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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

225 replies

curlymam · 15/11/2023 10:13

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

OP posts:
Fleetingname · 15/11/2023 11:20

I'd respect her wishes too. I've been your SIL in years gone by. What not all people realise is that if she's not buying for everyone else, she'll have money to buy nicer presents for her children.

If they are deep in poverty and have nothing, that's a whole other conversation.

mindutopia · 15/11/2023 11:21

Don't buy any presents. See it as an easy year - god, I'd be so grateful. I've been thinking about asking the same of BIL/SIL this year. They are childfree, so there is never any presents for us to buy for any dc. But I truly just can't cope with the mountains of junk that we get dumped with every year. It's excessive. My dc don't appreciate it. They're the only children in the family, so everyone buys for them and I just wish they wouldn't. It's too much and just overwhelming. Sounds like she's being really sensible and practical.

YourWinter · 15/11/2023 11:22

Please respect her wishes.

I’ve repeatedly asked my AC to tone down the madness. Elder DD is a single high-earner with a 7 year old, younger has a partner and two under 2s. Younger happily sticks to a max of £20 per parent and adult sibling. Elder says ok, then on the day she’ll have bought us all presents from all the pets as well as from herself and DGC, with a main present of around £100 plus lots of little wrapped bits. It’s lovely, it’s generous, it delights her.. but it’s incredibly embarrassing when the rest of us did stick to a £20 limit.

EvilElsa · 15/11/2023 11:22

Honestly, I'd be breathing a sigh of relief at not having to go out and buy a load of presents for people to stick in the post. The kids still get presents from their parents, they won't be going without anything on Christmas Day.

pizzaHeart · 15/11/2023 11:22

I ticked to buy gifts option first as in our family it was the thing (small gifs more like a surprise) and as a child I would be upset if my auntie wouldn’t buy me anything. However we lived practically next to each other and celebrated Christmas together. Another aunt and uncle never sent me any gifts and never had any relationship with me. I was always buying a gift for my nephew and it wouldn’t occur to me not to buy, I wouldn’t even ask tbh.
However with your update it’s different as you don’t live near by and it does sound as your SIL is a bit tricky. I mean I absolutely would explain to my DC in this situation that there was no presents as I requested this, but it seems that she’s not this type of person. In this case I will try to go there and do something together to keep the connection but won’t send gifts.

Is it a big gap between cousins with your DC? I did “this present for children stuff” with DH’s siblings for quite a while, we had DD much later. But there is no relationship and any chance of relationship of our DD with her cousins- the gap is big, they all over the world and their family is not too focused on maintaining family ties in general.
So from realistic point of view it’s easier to go with your SIL approach so not to rock the boat.

Diorama1 · 15/11/2023 11:23

Please just respect her wishes.

We have tried for years to convince SIL to stop all the present buying as we all end up spending a lot of money on tat that the children dont play with. A couple of years ago DH said to SIL, can we just stop buying presents for the children and bring them all on a day out together instead. She said fine, dont buy presents for my children if you dont want to but I am still going to buy for yours. We felt we had no choice but to keep buying as her children would wonder why they got no presents from us but they bought for ours.

Obimumkinobi · 15/11/2023 11:24

DaizenShine · Today 11:16

YANBU. If you can afford it and you speak with SIL before hand that she's okay with it, I'd still buy for them. Christmas isn't about receiving. I love shopping for my nieces and nephews.

No, Christmas isn't about receiving, so why would you "make" them receive presents that their parents have explicitly asked you not to send to? You're not Santa.

Fleetingname · 15/11/2023 11:24

The other thing is, as a family aiming for a simple and frugal Christmas, she may not want other well meaning people bowling in with clear evidence that other families are all about the presents and commercialism. For us that was one of the difficulties of bringing up a family on a shoestring. It was ok, except for the perceived poverty.

Ktime · 15/11/2023 11:24

I wouldn’t get them presents. Presumably she’s had presents from her brother and you for her kids all these years and now you have dc she wants to stop so she doesn’t have to buy for them.

Fleetingname · 15/11/2023 11:25

@Obimumkinobi I was going to say exactly that too but I forgot!

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 15/11/2023 11:26

Just ask her. Say you'd like to get something for the kids anyway. Don't really understand why it would be a problem.

TerfTalking · 15/11/2023 11:27

Respect her wishes and use it as the perfect excuse not to bother with all these extended family gift giving. I would be delighted.

her kids have already had more gifts from you than yours have from her. She may not be that skint, she may just be fed up of all this excessive giving and receiving, I don’t blame her, and is using being hard up as a get out.

do not buy for them anymore, I would hate to call it a day and still be bought for and you may feel great about your charity but I would feel shit about being a charity case. All children are able to understand that sometimes money isn’t as plentiful as other times.

ZekeZeke · 15/11/2023 11:28

Respect her wishes.

Goldbar · 15/11/2023 11:30

I'd just phone her up. Say that you absolutely respect the "no present" stance and won't be sending any, but since her children are older and will have more expensive things that they are saving for, would she mind if you sent them a small contribution?

LubaLuca · 15/11/2023 11:33

Do as she's asked, don't put her in a predicament by saying you'll send something anyway. I think you could insult her, and is it worth it for one more present on her kids' pile? She doesn't think so.

Silvers11 · 15/11/2023 11:40

SweetBirdsong · 15/11/2023 11:03

But, when someone has specifically said 'NO GIFTS. We are not giving any, and we don't want to receive any,' why on earth would you still buy them? It's rude and thoughtless, not kind and considerate. It will make the gift receiver (who has bought nothing back) feel like shit. To still buy when someone has said they don't want anything, is a shitty thing to do.

Show quote history

@SweetBirdsong - I agree - but I was suggesting she ASKED her SIL before doing so. I see that I didn't make that totally clear - but it isn't clear, either, that the SIL said she didn't want any presents back. Just that the SIL said she couldn't afford to do presents this year

Blueblell · 15/11/2023 11:42

I think if you normally post presents then you still could without causing embarrassment. It wouldn’t be the same as being together opening them on on Christmas Day. I think people don’t have to reciprocate and it sounds like you want to give.

pontipinemum · 15/11/2023 11:43

I've asked my sister that we don't do gifts for kids or each other this year. I haven't tried to get out of buying them gifts, I've bought them for years but now that I have 1 DS I don't want the house filling up with useless tat I still have stuff from his birthday that he hasn't had yet. He is one so really doesn't need a lot

Ohtobetwentytwo · 15/11/2023 11:46

I think its pathetic to play tit for tat with kids christmas presents.

If she has said she isnt buying, she is giving an implied blessing that you dont have to buy for hers.

But if shes struggling I would want buy for my nieces and nephews so they dont notice the pinch. Imagine if she has said this to everyone and all of a sudden the kids notice they have less presents from mum because shes struggling and none from wider family because their family chose to opt out.

Christmas is the season of goodwill and giving, not tit for tat.

If you cant afford to ir you begrudge it then dont buy for them. Likewise, it's fine to decide your rather give to charity.

But the way you are framing it - they wont buy for us so we wont buy for them, out of spite, is mean spirited. Why haven't you taken it positively and assumed she will be fine with no return presents?

Goldbar · 15/11/2023 11:47

If they are perhaps struggling, I'd definitely send cash for the kids not presents, so they can choose something they really want.

cantseethetrees · 15/11/2023 11:48

For goodness sake, just respect her wishes!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/11/2023 11:49

Radiat · 15/11/2023 10:16

She’s specifically asked not to do it for kids this year, I’d respect that. At a push I’d get them a box of Quality Street or something to share, but no more.

What makes you think she won’t tell her children you aren’t doing a gift exchange this year?

I agree

Concannon88 · 15/11/2023 11:49

Theres no way that would stop me getting them presents. I'd just write from santa on the tags.

LostThestral · 15/11/2023 11:49

we don't do xmas presents as such but we have a £5 spend on each person & it must be from a charity shop. This is great for your money, the environment & brings some real laughs with some of the interesting choices received

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 15/11/2023 11:51

I would absolutely respect her wishes.

And I’d probably offer to take them for a Christmas Hot choc somewhere so she could have a little bit of time to herself.