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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

225 replies

curlymam · 15/11/2023 10:13

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

OP posts:
hedgehoglurker · 15/11/2023 10:51

I'm with you. I'd want to get the kids gifts as they will notice. I would let her know that you appreciate her perspective, but you'd like to send for the children and don't expect anything in return.

ChipButtiesRule · 15/11/2023 10:54

I'd respect her wishes. To not do so and go over her head is to undermine her position as their mother. Her children, her decision about what is fair for them and to what degree she explains her decisions to them.

Silvers11 · 15/11/2023 10:56

@curlymam I Agree with a couple of other posters. Gifts should be given because you want to give them and not because anything is expected back ( although that can be difficult to do). And the things is you DO want to send gifts, while understanding that your SIL can't reciprocate.

So I would tell SIL exactly that! Let her know that you understand entirely, but you would still like to give her DC the usual presents, but insist that you do NOT want her buy things for yours in return.

BalletBob · 15/11/2023 10:59

Please don't override her wishes. It probably wasn't an easy request for her to make and unless you've been in that position I don't think you can appreciate how crap it feels to have people buy things when you can't afford to reciprocate and especially having specifically asked them not to. I've been in your SIL's shoes with relatives who ignored my request and tbh it just felt condescending and made me feel like they saw me as a charity case while they felt all benevolent and superior. I'm sure they had good intentions too but when you're going through hard times it doesn't feel that way.

SweetBirdsong · 15/11/2023 11:00

sunstreaming · 15/11/2023 10:22

In my opinion, gifts are freely given and you should feel OK about accepting them, even if you can't reciprocate. Otherwise you're just exchanging/swapping and not 'giving'anything at all.It does take a huge effort to have the humility to accept a gift if you can't reciprocate though.

I disagree with this. If someone has specifically said 'no gifts, as we aren't giving any out' it's imperative to respect their wishes. If you still give, and she has got nothing (as was agreed,) she will feel like shit. All this gift giving needs to stop. Only parents and grandparents should be buying for children IMO, as it just gets too much.

My best friend has 4 siblings - all older - and they have 11 children between them (all 25+ now,) but Christmas was a nightmare for her, having to buy gifts for 11 children. As well as all their birthdays.

She had none of her own, until she was 39 (just one, a daughter,) and then the 4 siblings decided between themselves that they would all stop buying for each others children. Over 2 decades of buying for their kids, and JUST as she had her daughter, they said 'no more gifts. Nice. Hmm

So her daughter has never had a gift from any of her aunts or uncles. Hilariously, some of the children of the 4 siblings now have children, and the 4 siblings are now saying they should all start buying for this new generation of children. My friend has told them to get bent.

@curlymam YABU. Of course you should not buy of your SIL has said not to.

hattie43 · 15/11/2023 11:01

As others have said I'd respect her wishes not to do presents . It will be embarrassing for her if you keep buying for her kids when she isn't for you .

pinkspeakers · 15/11/2023 11:01

I'd explain to her that you would really like to still get small gifts for her children and that you really don't mind and understand that she is not buying for yours. I'd try gently to persuade her that this is OK but if she still clearly objects, then don't buy.

NowItsSpring · 15/11/2023 11:02

My sisters family asked this a number of years ago following divorce and financial pressures. It did feel uncomfortable the first year as I had always bought for nieces/nephew. However what we did do was make time for us all to get together in the new year instead To begin with it was a simple country/beach walk on a bright day but as things settled we have done more organised days out/events which now include the first grandchildren on both sides. Appreciate distance can be an issue but we go with a location somewhere between us.

SweetBirdsong · 15/11/2023 11:03

Silvers11 · 15/11/2023 10:56

@curlymam I Agree with a couple of other posters. Gifts should be given because you want to give them and not because anything is expected back ( although that can be difficult to do). And the things is you DO want to send gifts, while understanding that your SIL can't reciprocate.

So I would tell SIL exactly that! Let her know that you understand entirely, but you would still like to give her DC the usual presents, but insist that you do NOT want her buy things for yours in return.

Edited

But, when someone has specifically said 'NO GIFTS. We are not giving any, and we don't want to receive any,' why on earth would you still buy them? It's rude and thoughtless, not kind and considerate. It will make the gift receiver (who has bought nothing back) feel like shit. To still buy when someone has said they don't want anything, is a shitty thing to do.

Original poster
curlymam · 15/11/2023 11:04

TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/11/2023 10:36

That’s very annoying that you spent years buying her kids presents and when yours are still young she’s instigated the ‘no presents’ rule. Very convenient

See, I wasn't sure if I was being cynical but that's definitely crossed my mind too...

OP posts:
CatOfTheLand · 15/11/2023 11:05

I've lied to family members and said we can't afford to buy presents this year so please let's not, purely because we don't want the usual piles and piles of slightly wrong toys we always end up with and I'm sure we accidentally gift in return (things which are very lovely but will never be played with because it's not quite what my children want).

I'd ask her if she minds if you still buy for her kids, or send the family a Percy Pig hamper or something, but allow her to gracefully bow out if not

2welshmums · 15/11/2023 11:06

Be an adult, have a discussion with her about it, ask her to let her older children know the situation.

We have done the same with family also, saves a lot of money that can be used for other things.

TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/11/2023 11:07

curlymam · 15/11/2023 11:04

See, I wasn't sure if I was being cynical but that's definitely crossed my mind too...

Show quote history

I don’t blame you. I’ve been there. A relative Happy to receive years of her children’s presents but when I have a toddler and her kids are teenagers it’s “let’s stop buying for the kids” Hmm

Obimumkinobi · 15/11/2023 11:08

I think it's important to step outside of your own perception and way of doing things. Cruel? Really?! If they were on the breadline with the prospect of no presents, then it's a discreet conversation between your DH and his DS, after which he (and you!) should still respect her wishes because she's their parent.
What next? She decides to get her kids vaccinated, but you're an anti vaxer, so you prevent them from attending their appointment? You insist on taking them to church, even though your DSIL is an atheist?
I really hate this phrase but "you do you" and decide what you feel is best for your kids, not hers. The only exception to this is a safeguarding scenario.

10HailMarys · 15/11/2023 11:10

I don’t think her DCs are likely to notice tbh, and if they do, they’ll ask her and she’ll tell them.

LondonLass91 · 15/11/2023 11:13

sunstreaming · 15/11/2023 10:22

In my opinion, gifts are freely given and you should feel OK about accepting them, even if you can't reciprocate. Otherwise you're just exchanging/swapping and not 'giving'anything at all.It does take a huge effort to have the humility to accept a gift if you can't reciprocate though.

I agree with this. My Brother and SIL also said they wanted to do no presents last year, which pissed me of because her kids are teenagers and mine are only little, so she has benefited for 10 years without having to buy anything back. Anyway, I put £10 in a card for them each, but asked if that was ok first x

PeppermintMandy · 15/11/2023 11:14

curlymam · 15/11/2023 11:04

See, I wasn't sure if I was being cynical but that's definitely crossed my mind too...

Show quote history

So which is it? You don’t give to receive and therefore want to gift her children presents even though she’s explicitly asked you not to, or she’s at it and only wants you to buy her kids presents but doesn’t want to reciprocate. You can’t really have it both ways. If you think she’s “at it” then why are you insisting on buying her kids gifts?

I find it really disheartening that people just love believing the worst in others. Is it really that hard to believe times might genuinely be finically tough right now? Really? Ask most parents and they will say they find the mountains of gifts kids get over Christmas a stressful thing to deal with and they wish they got less. They aren’t scheming over years to ensure their kids get gifts from family but they don’t ever have to reciprocate mwah ha ha haaaaa!

IkeaMeatballGravy · 15/11/2023 11:14

I've lied to family members and said we can't afford to buy presents this year so please let's not, purely because we don't want the usual piles and piles of slightly wrong toys we always end up with and I'm sure we accidentally gift in return (things which are very lovely but will never be played with because it's not quite what my children want).

I have done the same, Christmas was a nightmare when we lived in a tiny house. Maybe your sister wants to cut down the amount of stuff coming into thier home this year.

Whatever the reason OP, respect her wishes.

Lovemusic82 · 15/11/2023 11:15

I would do as she says. I would feel really guilty if someone bought my dc presents when I couldn’t afford to buy for there’s. I wish more people would agree not to buy gifts. I wouldn’t mind if people didn’t buy my dc gifts, they get enough from me and really don’t need/want anything else. My dc wouldn’t be upset about it, they don’t expect gifts.

Mariposista · 15/11/2023 11:15

Christmas is not all about presents anyway

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2023 11:15

Spoil them next time you see them. I wouldn’t worry too much, OP.

DaizenShine · 15/11/2023 11:16

YANBU. If you can afford it and you speak with SIL before hand that she's okay with it, I'd still buy for them. Christmas isn't about receiving. I love shopping for my nieces and nephews.

Anobody1 · 15/11/2023 11:17

Respect and understand her wishes, a lot of people are struggling financially.
We don’t exchange presents for anyone anymore. We’ve a relatively large extended family and it’s just too expensive. We only have 1 dc but have lots of nieces and nephews, so it costs us far more. We’d rather save that money and spend it on our dc and going to a Christmas activity.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/11/2023 11:19

I'd struggle with this for her children.

Could you suggest a pre-Christmas treat for them ? Take then out somewhere?

ShirleyPhallus · 15/11/2023 11:19

crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 10:24

Could you take them to a pantomime or do something similar?

That’s a punishment not a present!