SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

[curlymam]

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

So SIL takes presents from Op for years and now OP has kids SIL wants to stop presents so she doesn’t have to buy for OP’s dc, but you want OP to start giving her money?

I think it is fair to discuss a cinema voucher or another voucher. You could also get your kids to make cards and some baked treat or a Rocky Road.
Have the discussion via voice phone so you can ask her to explain to her kids about her request for you to cut out gifts.

Together you might decide on a small change that allows the kids to exchange home made surprises.
Another idea is to create a play list of ten favourite songs/music each - very little cost and you get to listen to and appreciate each other's music. Each year you can change the mix. Kids do like doing this in my experience.

So SIL takes presents from Op for years and now OP has kids SIL wants to stop presents so she doesn’t have to buy for OP’s dc, but you think OP is mean to stop giving presents?

This. Why do you care if the kids think you aren't sending gifts. You hardly see them and gifts won't make a better relationship. As harsh as it sounds, if the mum is like this then you probably won't hear much from the kids anyway as they grow up. Just do as she requested and you can post a box of chocolates.

Our wider family have decided only to buy down the generations rather than across the breadth of the family. We don't have grandchildren but all DH's siblings do so if we hadn't called a halt we would be buying for DH's 3 siblings 3 spouses, 6 neices and nephews and 9 great neices and nephews. Whereas we only have one teenager. The majority live at the other end of the UK and none of really know what each others kids are into. We treat them when we see them.

I think you were right to not buy. How did they react to no presents?

If you want to send presents this year then tell her what you expect. Make it clear as her children are older and more used to receiving presents from you, you don’t want to stop. She can of course not send anything to yours.

There seems to be a LOT of projection on this thread!

They teenagers will likely hardly notice. They'll have told mum what they actually want and that's what they'll be focused on.

And a gift through the post is a bit naff anyway. I mean, it's just a faceless box with some random stuff in. I get it that if you live far from each other, that's what you have to do, but it does diminish the specialness.

Just send funny cards wishing them the best Christmas yet. This won't effect your relationship, you're overthinking it. (Except the suspicion that she may have chosen now as hers are older to stop - has her financial situation changed recently?)

Yes, great idea. I’d do that, offering it as a suggestion. Would it be ok if you sent ….

@Ktime they hardly noticed. All the siblings spouses come from large families so they get loads of stuff from the aunties, uncles on the other sides of their families.

We do do a multi generational secret santa if we're planning on meeting up before Christmas but it doesn't happen every year due to distance.
To br honest my family is a lot smaller and I don't actually know my nephews addresses. They're at that stage of leaving university/house shares. So we've knocked it on the head on my side of the family too.

There can be way too many gifts to buy.
Our extended family love having a dip in the hat Secret Santa. Each person over eighteen buys one gift and recieves one gift (except they do whatever they like in their smaller households)

Younger children also have their own dip.
This means that on Christmas Day everyone has a gift to give and receive at the large family lunch. There is a set limit to the value and we encourage people to research what their person would enjoy by talking to them.

That's a very expensive way to not buy gifts

Some truth:

A present is something that someone wants to give.

SIL obviously doesn't want to give anything - yes, it's sad / unfair but OP can't change that can she?

I'd rather DC receive nothing than some random tat as mine were given in similar situation (think £1.- toys from the pund store, empty or half used make up, an old, dirty library book for a 2y old,...)

Things have changed for a lot of people in the past few years we are now in a cost of living crisis. Maybe she genuinely cant hack the expense.

Ask sil is it okay to buy the kids a small selection pack each?

But…. Why? She has said no presents? Why ask her if it’s ok to buy a present?

Send them a voucher each.
Xx

And maybe shes plenty of money and is just tight and doesnt want to spend on other peoples kids now hes are older and dont need it.

Whatever happened to just giving a gift to put a smile on a child's face, not expecting anything back in return, making others feel obligated to give gifts they cant afford? I don't believe in giving under compulsion, I prefer to give because I want to not because I should.

Your children may feel a bit disappointed for like 5 minutes, but they will be fine.

That's possible too, I think we cant judge either way without knowing more.

I'd say respect her wishes and don't feel bad about it.

In our family my sister and I have almost never given presents to each other's children. We agreed that when they were still small (all in their twenties now). To be honest, it was a relief and it made sense.

We've never given them to children in the wider family either as we all hardly know each other and paths rarely cross at all.

I know you mean well, but don't embarrass her here. Phone her to clarify and lend a sympathetic ear if you wish, but be guided by her. I've been in her position with money so tight, and it is shit. You don't want to feel obligated to others to spend money you don't have. Christmas is hard enough that way as it is.

When this happened in our family we arranged a day out for all the kids and paid for everyone as a treat in lieu of all gifts

My friend did this. She was the 1st have DC by a long way. I bought them a gift, turns out so did her other friends.
by the time she was having her 2nd DC, I (and her other friends) were also having babies. Then she says “as there are so many children now shall we stop buying for kids to make it a bit easier?”

urm..? Well we’ve always bought for yours, it’s only you that now has other children to buy for.
but what can you say other than “sure, ok”.

How many DC do you have and how many does SiL have? The reason I ask is because I was the same as your SiL and said I would no longer buy gifts for my nieces and nephews and my sister also said how unfair it was. That was until I pointed out that she had 4 DC and I had 1, so I was paying out 4x more than she was.

Sorry if I've missed this but did she specifically say for you not to buy for her/family? Or did she simply say she wouldn't be buying other people presents?

If the latter, then continue to buy for her children. It's not about giving to receiving and if money is tight in the household, why should the children suffer further.