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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

225 replies

Disorderla · 09/11/2023 17:48

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2023 17:54

It’s a pretty poor substitute for a decent fulfilling relationship. Is it really enough to keep you in a dead marriage? I think you’ll start wanting more attention and interaction and it won’t take much before you’re meeting men and having a proper affair or sex with randos.

Would you tell your husband what you’re doing? If not then you know it’s not okay. The way he’s behaving isn’t okay either but that’s not what you’ve asked.

Original poster
Disorderla · 09/11/2023 18:00

You’re correct that I wouldn’t tell DH, he has always been very jealous. But he also got very angry when I was suggesting time apart around a year ago, so I guess he’d be angry wither way.

I was just desperate. And now I feel like I need that validation to cope with staying in the marriage.

And it really did boost my confidence. I lost weight, started eating better and actually looking after myself/my appearance again (it had all started to go to pot a year ago when I got very down and wondered why bother).

I’m certain that I would never reply to anyone on there. The bit of guilt that I do feel is about the fact that I’m sure these men probably have partners (given the site).

OP posts:
HomeBird43 · 09/11/2023 18:02

But…I mean surely you need to say to him that either he sorts himself out or you will seek it elsewhere. I mean that’s not unreasonable. He can’t just be jealous. He doesn’t get to curtail your life like that. Sex is important!

GodDammitCecil · 09/11/2023 18:03

It’s just the thin end of the wedge.

“I won’t eat the cake, I’ll just cut a slice and smell it”. “I’ll just taste the icing”. “I’ll just have a crumb”. Before you realise it, the cake is gone.

You’ve opened the door to the end of the relationship, whether you want to admit that to yourself or not.

Yes, it absolutely is cheating.

And your relationship is over, it’s just a matter of time until you split.

secondfavouritesocks · 09/11/2023 18:03

I dont think injecting testosterone is safe or effective, you might want your partner to do it, but he is perfectly reasonable to choose not to - I had a colleague killed by getting this injection wrong

HomeBird43 · 09/11/2023 18:04

Ok sure but she doesn’t need to live like this

GodDammitCecil · 09/11/2023 18:05

And by the way, you should want to end the relationship - he sounds incredibly selfish.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

Universalsnail · 09/11/2023 18:06

It is cheating kind of.

Tbh I think you should leave your relationship or tell them you want to have an open relationship. You don't need to live like you are.

Universalsnail · 09/11/2023 18:08

You don't have to have a sexless relationship because he refuses to address his lack of sexual desire. It's reasonable to not want to have injections but if he wants you to be monogamous then he should be working out how to have an intimate relationship with you.

stealthninjamum · 09/11/2023 18:09

I think if my dp was posting photos of himself and getting a buzz from the attention - in secret - I would consider it cheating.

im sorry that your dh isn’t meeting your needs but I think you need to explain to him honestly how it makes you feel and then make plans to leave.

Fionaville · 09/11/2023 18:09

If my husband was doing that, I would consider it a type of cheating. I'd be devastated. Equally though, your husband isn't giving you a fulfilling relationship. It's funny that a woman with a low sex drive is expected to 'fake it' but a man isn't. Even if he didn't have the drive to do it, he should still try to satisfy you, one way or another.
You need to close the 'affair' account. Explain to him how unhappy the current, sexless marriage makes you. I do think there is more to a marriage than sex. And libidos dont always match, but theres more than one way to sort that out. But it's not just the lack of sex is it? You're feeling undervalued as a woman.

Daphnis156 · 09/11/2023 18:10

It's not cheating. But it is a significant distancing from your husband, and is on the path to cheating.
You mentioned the children, and maybe in the end it's a very unfair choice for you between a satisfying relationship, and their stable upbringing.
Only you can make that choice; but it seems you have begun to.

Didimum · 09/11/2023 18:11

Whether you are cheating or not cannot be determined by us or even you. It can only be determined by him. The only way you would find that out is to tell him. If you wouldn’t tell him? Well, that answers your question too.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 09/11/2023 18:11

Does he expect you to just never have sex again? Like ever? What is his solution to this then?

Dotcheck · 09/11/2023 18:13

Jesus, you’re allowed to leave a marriage that isn’t working

Itsnotchristmasyet · 09/11/2023 18:16

GodDammitCecil · 09/11/2023 18:03

It’s just the thin end of the wedge.

“I won’t eat the cake, I’ll just cut a slice and smell it”. “I’ll just taste the icing”. “I’ll just have a crumb”. Before you realise it, the cake is gone.

You’ve opened the door to the end of the relationship, whether you want to admit that to yourself or not.

Yes, it absolutely is cheating.

And your relationship is over, it’s just a matter of time until you split.

I completely agree!

Itsnotchristmasyet · 09/11/2023 18:20

OP you need to decide whether you want to stay in a sexless marriage or leave it.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I don’t understand why you won’t leave your marriage, yet you’ll do this and risk ending it all anyway.

Not getting enough sex is a man’s favourite excuse to cheat, but there’s never a good reason to cheat.

What you’re doing is wrong and you are warming up to physically cheat.

Original poster
Disorderla · 09/11/2023 18:21

Daphnis156 · 09/11/2023 18:10

It's not cheating. But it is a significant distancing from your husband, and is on the path to cheating.
You mentioned the children, and maybe in the end it's a very unfair choice for you between a satisfying relationship, and their stable upbringing.
Only you can make that choice; but it seems you have begun to.

That is true, when DH finally made it clear that he didn’t want sex anymore (and that he thought me being upset by that was silly) I wanted to end the marriage. But I felt immense guilt because our dc are secure and happy.

DH and I get on, are friendly still and all I could see for my children was downsides, and that it would be selfish and cruel to split when DH is adamant he doesn’t want to ‘just’ for sex.

But (and I understand that this may sound like an exaggeration for some) I felt like I was being slowly crushed. I had no idea how important sex and desire was to me until it was off the table.

I don’t want an affair, I don’t want to cheat or enable another man to cheat. This just seems like a sort of solution.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 09/11/2023 18:22

If my partner was sneaking around on the internet, looking for attention, flirtation and Titivation I’d consider it cheating.

just signing up to such a website - it’s cheating. Wether emotional etc - it’s crossed a boundary for me.

but if we were no longer matched sexually, and after looking at all possible avenues for treatment, counselling etc we still weren’t fulfilling each others relationships needs - I’d leave.

Who wants to stay in an unhappy marriage? I think people kid themselves they are doing it for the kids and the kids grow up in this weird atmosphere where mum and dad aren’t close and you have now mapped out to them that dysfunctional relationships are a standard thing.

leave. Be a better happier you. This in turn gives you better happier kids.

limefrog · 09/11/2023 18:22

Well I don't think it's really cheating, but it is deceptive and I would be very upset with my partner if they were doing this. You are lying to your husband and you are also feeling guilt about what you're doing, so it doesn't seem very healthy.

I'm wondering why it is that you can't talk to him more about your needs?

You shouldn't feel ashamed to want a fulfilling sex life, it's a very normal desire, and you deserve to have that.

Would it be so bad to advocate for yourself with this? - Your husband should know your needs, otherwise your relationship is just a sham.

TotalOverhaul · 09/11/2023 18:24

It's not cheating. Cheating would be replying and arranging to meet up with someone. You are using it as a needed ego boost.

But it is indicative that something is seriously wrong and you may need to be honest about how you want to live the rest of your life.

Ollifer · 09/11/2023 18:27

I can guarantee you op you will end up needing more than just reading messages to get your validation, you'll start responding, then you'll meet up with someone etc etc. why can't you leave your marriage? Or explain to your husband if he won't ever be able to be intimate you will need to seek that elsewhere or split? Sneaking around isn't the way to go, it'll end in tears.

Catsafterme · 09/11/2023 18:28

I would be inclined to say it is and I get you like the attention but are those guys really worth getting attention from at the end of the day... surely you'd want more than that.

Regardless, if you are not happy in your marriage you should end it. Life is too short to plod along unhappy, getting scraps of attention likely from seedy guys.

Do you want to continue on that path forever staying just because it's your lot or actually feel happiness and enjoyment in your life?

exerciseviligance · 09/11/2023 18:29

secondfavouritesocks · 09/11/2023 18:03

I dont think injecting testosterone is safe or effective, you might want your partner to do it, but he is perfectly reasonable to choose not to - I had a colleague killed by getting this injection wrong

Plenty of men get prescribed testosterone, either as gel or in patches. No injections needed.

FinallyHere · 09/11/2023 18:30

I'm sorry to sound so boring and pie-faced, for what it's worth , I'd encourage you to consider doing some 'work' to establish why external validation is so important to you.

If you can get that clear in your own mind, you would be in a much better position to decide what you really want to do with your life.

Hope you find what works for you.