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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

225 replies

Disorderla · 09/11/2023 17:48

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 09/11/2023 23:01

Disorderla · 09/11/2023 20:24

DH has refused all things sexual for the last three years. No intimate touching or foreplay, he counts that as sex and says he doesn’t want to. He also got very angry when he found some ‘aids’ I had purchased once and threw them away, so I have to keep the fact I use those secret.

He will briefly hug, hold hands and kiss my cheek during the day.

Christ, honestly this is the worst part I've read. He has no interest in sex and yet you're not even allowed to masturbate?

He's a controlling fuckwit isn't he!

Flyhigher · 09/11/2023 23:17

Am I missing something. Can't he just take viagra?

Flyhigher · 09/11/2023 23:18

It's emotional cheating. It's sexual. You get a buzz. Which you should get from him. And friends and family. So.. try to stop!!

Flyhigher · 09/11/2023 23:25

You both need counselling. Something has happened to him. Why won't he do foreplay? Is he depressed? Has he got an STI? Is he having an affair?

Flyhigher · 09/11/2023 23:27

Why did he get angry? Was sex good before?

RantyAnty · 10/11/2023 01:27

Disorderla · 09/11/2023 20:24

DH has refused all things sexual for the last three years. No intimate touching or foreplay, he counts that as sex and says he doesn’t want to. He also got very angry when he found some ‘aids’ I had purchased once and threw them away, so I have to keep the fact I use those secret.

He will briefly hug, hold hands and kiss my cheek during the day.

Yikes, that is beyond a low libido and no interest.

There has to be more to it than he is letting on.

Are you able to talk to a therapist about this?
This might help you make a decision.

TheSilkLady · 10/11/2023 02:33

Everyone seems a bit quick with the just leave the marriage thing. So marriages are about so much more than sex.

I understand this can be difficult to communicate as he's probably quite dismissive of it as to him it's not a big deal. Maybe sit down with him and explain you don't want to just bin the marriage but if he can't make changes you need to have that part of you fulfilled.

Talk about open relationships trial separations.

I don't think your cheating I also don't think it would be a terrible crime to respond if it fills a need and let's you stay married raising your kids with your best friend if he is that then it's worth it we all want to be wanted.

MissTrip82 · 10/11/2023 03:22

Idk if it’s cheating but needing meaningless possibly untruthful validation from desperate strangers is really concerning. Your self esteem has obviously taken a massive massive hit if this is enough for you. It’s a huge sign that you need to reconsider your relationship.

YouveGotAFastCar · 10/11/2023 03:31

Be really careful with blur tools. Like stickers/emojis/TikTok filters, they’re incredibly easy to remove if you know what you’re doing.

Hopefully nobody would care that much to put the effort back in, but it’s worth being aware of that possibility if you’re relying on it for anonymity.

PinkyPork · 10/11/2023 05:45

I think you're fine OP.

Dan Savage (long-time American sex advice columnist) has interesting views on this, Google Dan Savage cheating least worst option

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 10/11/2023 05:55

it would be selfish and cruel to split when DH is adamant he doesn’t want to ‘just’ for sex.

Your husband is being unspeakably cruel and controlling to you as well. Refusing to address his problem medically, refusing to acknowledge that sex is important to you, refusing to consider separation or any other form of relationship that would allow you to have a sex life and refusing to even let you masturbate! That's truly awful. What you're doing isn't ok but I understand why you're doing it in the context of your miserable marriage.
Please don't waste your one precious life this way. Your children will cope.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 10/11/2023 05:56

TheSilkLady · 10/11/2023 02:33

Everyone seems a bit quick with the just leave the marriage thing. So marriages are about so much more than sex.

I understand this can be difficult to communicate as he's probably quite dismissive of it as to him it's not a big deal. Maybe sit down with him and explain you don't want to just bin the marriage but if he can't make changes you need to have that part of you fulfilled.

Talk about open relationships trial separations.

I don't think your cheating I also don't think it would be a terrible crime to respond if it fills a need and let's you stay married raising your kids with your best friend if he is that then it's worth it we all want to be wanted.

He binned her sex toys because he was angry that she still has a sex drive. He's not her 'best friend'.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 10/11/2023 05:57

Flyhigher · 09/11/2023 23:17

Am I missing something. Can't he just take viagra?

She said he did but then didn't bother getting any more. He's not interested in sex.

TheHawkisHowling · 10/11/2023 05:59

I don't think it's cheating. But in your situation, I wouldn't blame you for having a full on affair.

I really hope that you find it in you to leave him. He doesn't sound worth this sacrifice at all.

I'm quite sure your children would rather see you happy than married.

WandaWonder · 10/11/2023 06:01

So I presume if this was reversed it would be fine?

grottyb · 10/11/2023 06:29

I don’t see how it’s cheating as you’re not even replying back to messages. How is different to people posting half naked selfies on SM or is that cheating too?
But long term you need to change something as you are not happy.

Whatintheworldgirl · 10/11/2023 06:31

Disorderla · 09/11/2023 17:48

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

Firstly please don't be so hard on yourself. We have all done silly things to make life more bareable and enjoyable. When someone makes us feel ugly or unworthy, seeking some form of validation is a common thing. Perhaps someone has witty banter with a barista every morning or offers the post man cookies so that they get a smile. Being in a relationship like this can also be very lonely. Feeling misunderstood, as you said you've had multiple discussions about how sex is a big deal to you (which isn't a bad thing) as long as you're being respectful and not expecting something unreasonable. Each discussion your concerns and desires are being unaddressed and made to feel unimportant.

The bigger picture here is, you can't settle. I know when children are involved we believe it's best to stay to keep the peace. Children know. They can see when their parents aren't happy. This coming from a child to a divorceless marriage with a father who constantly cheated on my mum and my mum sticking around because she felt it was 'best' for me. I then grew up and followed her footsteps (not her fault). People tend to believe it's best to be together for the children. Sometimes it's really not.
It's not the easy route to leave either, I know bills and financially things can be tough. Emotionally having that weight can be hard but my point is, you're not happy.

Theoretically people are correct that when you have to hide it, it's wrong. I wouldn't necessarily class it as cheating but it's not the best way to spend your day. It doesn't make you a bad person, you literally just want to be heard, loved and forgive the lack of a better word, fucked. If harmless attention from complete strangers helps you get through the day then I understand that, however it would be naive to assume itll never go further. You just have to stop it going further if you genuinely want to continue on with this marriage. All the best lovely

grottyb · 10/11/2023 06:31

Idk if it’s cheating but needing meaningless possibly untruthful validation from desperate strangers is really concerning

I agree with this but millions use instagram & tic toc for the likes of this.

Flyhigher · 10/11/2023 06:46

Does he have a very stressful job? Is he depressed? Has someone died? There must be something that's triggered it.

TheGoogleMum · 10/11/2023 06:53

Hmm it's not exactly cheating but it is worryingly close. If DH was doing this it wouldn't be marriage ending like proper cheating would but it would worry me and be breaking trust a little. I think really you need to end the marriage as you aren't getting what you need from it if he isn't willing to even discuss it and sex is important to you

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 10/11/2023 07:02

Disorderla · 09/11/2023 20:24

DH has refused all things sexual for the last three years. No intimate touching or foreplay, he counts that as sex and says he doesn’t want to. He also got very angry when he found some ‘aids’ I had purchased once and threw them away, so I have to keep the fact I use those secret.

He will briefly hug, hold hands and kiss my cheek during the day.

😮 so because he doesn't want sex, you're not allowed to even sort yourself out?!! That is even worse. I felt a bit of sympathy for him until I read that. That's just horrible!

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 10/11/2023 07:03

He just said it was a natural consequence of him being much older than me.

How old is he?

aloris · 10/11/2023 07:12

Even if there's a significant age difference, that doesn't really explain his behavior. It seems to me the root cause of the problem is his contemptuous attitude towards your desire for physical intimacy with your husband. You can see that he has contempt for you because he is refusing to do rather simple, harmless things like using Viagra, and even refuses to interact with you in an intimate way that requires no pharmaceuticals or tools. Also, his attitude of anger and dismissiveness at your being upset by the situation. Contempt is toxic to a marriage but it's also toxic to a person's self-esteem. It's soul destroying.

MaryMcI · 10/11/2023 07:12

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/11/2023 23:01

Christ, honestly this is the worst part I've read. He has no interest in sex and yet you're not even allowed to masturbate?

He's a controlling fuckwit isn't he!

Show quote history

Yes, I think that too. Combined with the fact that he is angry even at the suggestion of separating, rather than discussing the issues. OP doesn’t raise the issue because she is scared of his reaction.

Loubelle70 · 10/11/2023 07:16

HomeBird43 · 09/11/2023 18:02

But…I mean surely you need to say to him that either he sorts himself out or you will seek it elsewhere. I mean that’s not unreasonable. He can’t just be jealous. He doesn’t get to curtail your life like that. Sex is important!

This.
Talk with him...tell him you need sex in a relationship. If he doesn't agree to get sorted then tell him you're both at an impasse then and suggest open relationship...if hes that jealous he will sort it