To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

[Disorderla]

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

This is troubling. I'm glad you came here to talk it over as the advice here from women is generally good.

How long have you been together?

He does sound controlling and abusive.
Here is an abuse cycle and types of abuse

@Disorderla he is controlling you through his behaviour.

he is conditioning you to behave in a certain way by withdrawing the teeny crumbs of affections you currently get if you dare bring up anything or question him.

he won’t allow you to find sexual relief with toys or elsewhere. What’s his problem with the toys? Is it a case of if he isnt getting relief you can’t either?

my partner is 14 years older than me and I to his 60s now. We still play and pleasure each other when we have both had periods of not wanting actual Intercourse. We are still affectionate, cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, kisses etc.

Can you imagine what a shell of a women you will be if you give it another 10+ years before you plan to leave because you are staying just for the kids. You will have no willpower left. You will have been ground down into not knowing which way is up. Your children will have a shell of a mum.

were there no signs of this prior to it going tits up? Are there any other things you have to tip toe around? Are you allowed to disagree on some parenting issues? Finances? Mortgage? Seeing friends and family?

staying for the kids so often backfires.
You see stories on here of how the modelled behaviour of unhappy parents has impacted the kids.
The kids learn to tiptoe around volatile or cold fathers.
They pick up on the ghost that is their mother who’s oh so careful around the father.
How the house is lighter and nore enjoyable if dad is ever away.
they are learning relationship patterns that they often go on to mimic.

please reconsider leaving. Or at least move into a spare room if you have one and get some new toys.

Well I think him exploding if you disagree with him is a sign. If he rarely explodes, and there is superficial calmness in your interactions as a couple, but if that's only because you have very carefully trained yourself never to disagree with him, then that's a problem. Also, in a healthy marriage, the couple should be able to disagree and discuss their different positions. At some times, one or other will "win". Other times, they should be able to reach compromise. If only one person ever compromises that's not really compromise. That's control masquerading as compromise.

These are just my opinions. I am not a therapist or counselor or anything like that.

I did kinda feel sorry for your husband until I read he doesn't want you to masturbate. Sorry but this is horribly selfish, what does he expect you to do then?? Turn off your desires and natural urges, you're in your 30s ffs I can understand him not wanting you getting it from elsewhere but to not even want you to pleasure yourself is just plain wrong.

You are still young. At 36 you have years ahead of you. 50 is not old either. I thought you were going to say you were both much older.
If you stay with him your resentment will grow.

I have a similar age gap between me and DH (actually, mine is a little more, and we are both a little older than you and your DH), and whilst we don't have as much sex as we did when we first met (a long time ago), it still happens and nearly always at his instigation, so him blaming it on being older is bullshit if my experience is something to go by.

So he won't even let you use your sex toys? and he's jealous, and 'explodes'? Do you really want this for the rest of your life? You're still young.
Also children know when their parents are unhappy, so this 'doing it for the kids' is not a given.
I'd cut my losses, this is not sustainable for much longer

@Disorderla you need to end your marriage. You and your husband are no longer compatible. He doesn't want to have sex and that's fair enough. However, he also doesn't want you to engage in any sexual activity. While, it's his right to chose what he does with his body the same applies to you. He has no right to get angry that you want to use sex toys or mastubate. Its your body and your choice. He sounds extremely controlling.

You would not be ending the marriage because of sex. You'd be ending the marriage because you don't want a sexless marriage, that lacks intimacy and physical connection. You would be ending the relationship because you aren't happy. You would be ending the relationship because it's having a impact on your mental health and self esteem.

You might not want to leave right now but it's really inevitable. I think better to do it now rather than let it further damage your mental health. .

I think there are some worrying comments here. That you get minimal affection if you do everything he wants, that he refuses to talk, that he explodes if you bring up a very valid need, that he thinks you silly for having those needs. None of these sound like things that happen in a loving and supportive relationship. They sound like a controlling one.
I also don't think you're silly for needing to feel wanted and desired. It is something that is a byproduct of how women are valued and treated in our society. It'd take a long time to reprogram that level of social conditioning! We're seeing a push against it these days and maybe that will be good for our children in the future.
Usually in this situation I'd recommend couples therapy but it sounds like your DH is so reluctant to even consider this.
No relationship is perfect but you really should be feeling loved and supported. Emotionally, not just practically. Your husband not wanting sex is not the biggest problem but how he's treating you and your needs, is.
You are young, your life is far from over and you are worthy enough of being treated well, being loved (and being desired!).
I left my other half when my needs were not being met. We had a child and I contemplated staying for them. But then someone told me if I wanted to teach my child how to be strong and happy or how to suffer in silence. I left and it was the best decision I made. Tough but ultimately good for us all. I hope you find your happy x

Your children deserve to have a happy mother not someone who has sacrificed her own happiness

Are the men answering also married?
Would you mind if your hubby was doing the same?

YABU for not ending your marriage if you’re unhappy. And YABU for seeking validation and comfort elsewhere because you’re not getting it at home, while still in that relationship.
if you wouldn’t tell your partner about it, it’s cheating and not acceptable.

Absolutely agree.
Sadly I think you are on the way to believing that your marriage is over.

Many men in your situation (wife not wanting sex) would have a full blown sexual affair; no thought for wife or the effect on children when the inevitable split happens. If this keeps you all happy and together I don’t see a problem with it.

Also most children are happy and secure before their parents break up. It doesn’t mean they won’t be happy and secure afterwards, my son benefitted ridiculously from the end of my marriage. (Ironically due to a very similar situation you’re describing here actually except it was him on the sites…he may well have messaged you 😂🤷🏽‍♀️ joke, this was years ago now…but the pain is still extremely real just to give you an indication of what it can do to a person…) and so did my ex and I. We are both now in fulfilling relationship, mine is sexually very good and I would assume so is his as they just got married. Our child in the middle is extremely secure and happy, we’ve coparented for 13 years now, and our son is very happy, content, well balanced, secure, confident and knows his parents are happy and secure too.
your parents living together as friends isn’t really what children need…they need to witness loving relationships in my opinion to be able to replicate them in their future. Your description of your relationship (even without the slack of sex) does not seem like a loving and happy relationship to me.

they need to witness loving relationships in my opinion to be able to replicate them in their future.

Kids with single parents are fucked then.

To him it’s just sex. Probably because he doesn’t see the value in it as part of a marriage.

but to you it’s clearly a very important part of an intimate relationship and you need it for your own security (I don’t mean fear of him leaving, I mean security in yourself and your emotional state) and happiness.

your husband is willing to ignore your needs for intimacy, security and happiness because he doesn’t value it.

he doesn’t value it and is unwilling to seek help. That’s fine. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept the new Ts & Cs. You can leave, you can start fresh. You can co parent together well and both get what you need elsewhere.

He threw away your property??

You do realise you are being thoroughly controlled by him, yes?

Are you sure (I'm sorry to ask) that you are the one he's not having sex with?

He sounds deeply, deeply unpleasant. He doesn't want you to feel satisfied so he's making sure you don't

I am splitting up with husband the marriage is over. We have a house together with no mortgage. He won't move out he says I have to. I put all the deposit in from my previous house he didn't have any deposit to put in. I have spoken to the council about accommodation for me but they said I would be making myself voluntary homeless if I moved out. I might be able to afford a small house or a flat but it depends how much the house sells for. What do I do any advice? Our children are grown up & have their own houses & families so I don't have to consider children.

This is definitely not cheating - how can it be? There is literally ZERO contact 😂with any of these men, not even a hello.

i don’t think this is technically cheating but if the roles were reversed I doubt you’d be happy if your DH did this. However I don’t blame you. Sex is a huge part of marriage, otherwise you may as well marry your sibling. I think your husband is kidding himself to not think this is important. I’d not stay. Good luck

In an average relationship it would be cheating I think. But in your situation your DH has cheated you out of any kind of sexual relationship (and even wants to control any kind of sexual activity you have alone!). Not only that but it sounds like there’s little affection, intimacy, romantic love of any sort between you. He could fix it but won’t. Honestly, I would carry on looking at the messages if it gives you a boost.

I also wonder if it’s truly just the children or if fear of his anger is partly behind not rocking the boat and feeling you must somehow protect everyone by holding it all together. I don’t blame you at all for that, I get the fear of an angry man particularly when it’s been trained into you gradually along with bouts of everything being nice and kind and calm. It might help to unpick what is holding you back and maybe make a plan for your future (Look at finances, see a solicitor etc) even if it’s not to be carried out immediately. Because honestly he is currently denying you an intimate romantic relationship (never mind the sexual side) potentially forever - and you’re 36, you have so much ahead of you.

Sounds like you aren’t compatible. Personally I would leave. You’re 36- last time you had sex you were 33. Is that a life you want for yourself??

36?? Oh OP you are far too young for this, you have way too many years of this bullshit ahead of you! Also him throwing away your stuff should be a complete no. How fucking date he try and dictate what you do with your own body? It would be completely unacceptable even in a regular relationship, but it's beyond the pale if he won't even have sex with you. What did you say when he did this?

If you're scared of saying something I'd be very tempted to leave toys out again. Let him go mental and stand your ground, ask him to explain to you clearly and in his own words why he thinks that you should go the rest of your life without experiencing sexual pleasure? Why he thinks he has a right to control you like this?

Can he not just finger you?