To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

[Disorderla]

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

I would see it as a form of cheating yes, but if he has a known medical issue that is affecting your marriage and isn’t willing to do anything about it then he needs to take some accountability for this too.

I guess his pride gets hurt, but so does your confidence. IMO both of you are wrong to not seek fixing this in a better way

And to answer your actual question, I don't think it matter whether it's cheating or not (I'm inclined to say that it is because of the sexual element to it) - what really matters is you're so starved of affection that you're getting validation from something so empty. This just can't go on.

I understand how you feel though. I have ended up with a man who dislikes so much he never sleeps with me (been a year or so). What I do to cope I think isn't cheating but is morally worse than what you're doing - I regularly text and phone my ex and talk about really mundane things just to feel that someone who has slept with me still likes me enough to have a non-essential conversation with me.

And yet every thread on here about a man wanting sex but the woman not has the man down as unreasonable, he should respect your wishes etc etc.

Funny old world 😅

Your misogynistic replies are so samey I can repost the same reply I gave your other completely inane comment this morning: hardly a case of "these unreasonable irrational women who all think alike and make our lives so haaaaaaaaard with their craycray" is it .

All the threads in which women say they have gone off sex completely agree that the woman can't expect the husband to stay. As you would know if you were here for a reason other than to find expression for your contempt for women.

I don't think any marriage is perfect. It sounds like you're doing to keep the marriage going for the kids. That is important. You can't expect one person to meet all your needs it's just not possible or realistic. Can you spend more time apart?

Have you considered getting rechargeable batteries?

To be honest he is incredibly selfish and he has no right to dictate how you manage as HE has sexual difficulties.

If you found out your partner had made a profile, put thought into what they want to say, to encourage a response, and ensure they put a photo on that showed themselves in their best light, to guarantee they got an enthusiastic input of salivation, would you be 100% and absolutely comfortable without any twinges of wtf?

I'd definitely be wtf lol but I don't consider it cheating at all. I'd think he was boosting his confidence.

@Guesswho88 would you be happy for him to carry on doing it?

No.....but then I don't act like the OP's husband!

Not if I was refusing to have sex with him.

If it's a secret, it's cheating. Every relationship is different. I disagree that sex is important. I think stability, kindness and companionship are far more important. What if you leave him, get with someone who desires you and you have lots of sex but he's not nice to your kids? No relationship is perfect and the grass is never greener.

The thing is, it’s now just “sex, it’s intimacy as a whole most likely. Is he still kissing you and hugging, touching you? Giving you cuddles? There is way way more to sex than PIV and if the issue is he can’t have an erection there is so much you guys could do!

if he’s not willing to satisfy you in anyway then that is the issue. Intimacy is very important part of any relationship. Being touched is a big part even with children. They need to be touched, hugged etc. if they don’t it can cause attachment issues.

With a spouse it can feel like rejection. I would recommend counseling with someone who specializes in sex therapy who can make alternative suggestions. See if he is willing to do other things. It’s so important.

And if the behaviour was reversed and you were having the issues, how would you feel if you caught him doing what you were doing? That is how you know where you stand. I understand the rush, the wanting to feel wanted, everyone wants to, especially from our partners.

I wish you the best. It may be that your partner needs to understand the importance of the intimacy from him
and you have some hard decisions to make.

Wow! Sorry, just finished reading all of your responses and he is a controlling ass. He is not allowed to say no to sex at all then destroy your sex toys for you to be able to enjoy yourself. You are also allowed to discuss things that bother you without him exploding at you. There are definitely issues within this relationship where he is controlling the narrative.

The age gap is an issue. At 50 men can have erectile issue and it bothers their ego and they don’t want to do something about. Been there done that. I am 49 and still want a sex life. They just don’t want to feel less than. At 36 you are at your sexual prime. It’s not right for him to control this narrative at all. If he won’t satisfy you directly he should be willing to use toys or hands or whatever to spice up the relationship. In my experience with ED most men are willing to go the extra mile with oral or whatever to please to over compensate!

If he is not willing to as I said in my other post to be intimate in other ways but a cuddle, a hug and open with touching he is being control g and it’s not right. Please please go into counseling/therapy.

This is difficult for you as it may sound like he doesn’t fancy you. He may not, but he may love you and now unable to show that physical affection.

Many with prostrate problems have this situation.
A double bed can be an extremely lonely place without the emotional and physical presence of a loved one.
I do wish you well. Life is hard living (existing)in a sexless relationship.

No, I mean as opposed to dysfunctional relationships. It’s better to be on your own than showing your kids a bad relationship. I was a single parent…I left my marriage and that was better for my son.

I think you are very brave, being in a relationship with no physical relationship must be awful, it is one of the points of relationships. Good luck whatever you choose, no matter how good other aspects are if this is not for discussion I'd leave. It can't be good for your self worth x

@BIossomtoes so if you'd never had a conversation about how you deciding you were done with a sexual relationship, and you'd never discussed how that might look for your partner, you'd be 100% happy to know your partner had been putting it out there, with absolutely no discussion whatsoever?

@Guesswho88

OP's husband doesn't want sex. So far so agreed.

But he also refuses to allow op any kind of sexual pleasure of her own.

I get that you're easygoing, but that's not OP's situation is it? Her partner is not easygoing. He's not chilled and he's not as accepting as you. He made her throw away her sex toys because HE doesn't want any kind of sexual connection. Do you honestly believe that a relaxed and

So in that scenario, what would you advise?

There is a huge amount of leeway in any relationship, so long as both parties agree wholeheartedly with the parameters. If your husband had agreed to this, it would not be cheating. He did not, so it is cheating. "Deception" is cheating. It sounds, on the face of it, somewhat harmless, but, as @GodDammitCecil said, it's perilously easy to fall into that slow progression to an actual full-blown affair.

As for your husband's attitude that you're being silly for wanting sex, that's an easy, copout stance which leaves him with absolutely no responsibility for his partner's happiness. It's easy for someone who doesn't want sex to push this off on the partner who does.

I think I'm most concerned that you are so willing to stay in this marriage. I can guarantee you that, at some level, your children are very well aware that something is badly wrong between Mum and Dad. They ALWAYS know. A pop psychologist once said something that struck me as very true, "It is better for a child to be from a broken home than to live in one. He was a jackass, but right about that.

I don't know apart from what she is already doing. I've been in a similar situation myself but not married (now my ex).

I think it’s quite normal to want it feel desired. it’s a normal human reaction.

I don’t think OP has any general self esteem issues or needs to do ‘work’ to find out why she needs external validation. The issue is that the person who she loves no longer what’s sex and that can feel like rejection - I’ve been there.

Many men take testosterone regularly and safely when prescribed by the GP. In fact 1 in about 500 males may have a genetic condition that causes them to not produce testosterone naturally but this is unlikely if they are also fertile. However lack of or low testosterone can lead to serious health issues later on like osteoporosis so it's definitely worth getting it sorted for this reason alone. There are gels and other ways to take it, not just injections these days as well.

I would say it is cheating or at least on the path towards it, but put that to one side for a moment.

You are 36 which is so young, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this situation, surviving off scraps of attention that dirty men on cheat apps give you? Another 50 years of this?
You are young enough to meet someone that treats you better and isn't controlling you.
Him not wanting sex is fine, but if you don't agree to those terms it's OK to leave. You don't need to tell him that's why you're leaving, just say you're not happy. No one needs the dirty details.

You deserve better than this.