To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

[Disorderla]

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

I was with my ex for 20 years!!! He enforced celibacy on me for years and then I had affairs.

No one gets to force someone to be celibate. It is absolutely bone crushingly harmful.
No one who hasn’t been in the situation of being the ignored party can understand how horrible it is.
Don’t be me. Life is too damn short.

I found out My now exH was sex talking to numerous women on an adult hookup site, before we were married, only 3 months into our relationship. He also claimed it wasn't 'really' cheating and that I was being unreasonable for being upset. Stupidly, I forgave him. He carried on doing it for the next 5 years, and it ultimately destroyed our marriage. It IS cheating and if you need it to glue your marriage together, your marriage is too damaged to survive anyway.

You don't need his permission to divorce. Your marriage doesn't work.

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, and I get that you are in an unhappy marriage but it's ultimately unfulfilling and will also end up damaging your self worth and self esteem.

You need to cut your losses and get out and start afresh.

OP doesn’t raise the issue because she is scared of his reaction.

Comments like this have opened my eyes to something I didn’t expect.

DH is like my best friend, and gives me those little bits of daytime affection, quick hugs and pecks…as long as I’m doing everything he wants.

If I mention being unhappy, let alone anything about our non existent sex life or our relationship then he explodes. And so I’ve stopped saying anything about it. Sometimes I’ve sat there feeling like I want to say something but have not been able to summon the courage to do so.

I genuinely didn’t realise that.

Dh is 50 and I am 36.

I understand not wanting to stay for the kids, if the only problem is sex. It feels like putting your needs above theirs. But it's so much bigger than that and it sounds like you have bigger problems with the power balance in your relationship. Children will cope with a split much better than you think, especially if they are young. Growing up watching their mother's self esteem being eroded further and further, becoming more miserable and resentful every day is far more damaging than separated parents.

not wanting to leave, I meant

OP, based on everything you've said, I completely understand why you have found an outlet independently.

Honestly, your husband sounds awful. Of course, if he doesn't want sex he shouldn't have to have it- but he clearly has no interest in or respect for your feelings or suffering at all. And the fact that he also tries to control and even destroy your ability to pleasure yourself with toys is unforgivable.

I don't consider what you are doing as cheating, though certainly it is doing something covert your husband wouldn't like. I think if you started responding it would be cheating, but as he shows know interest in your well-being, I could even understand that!

I'm glad if you have found an outlet that makes you feel a bit better and do not think it's pathetic at all.

I do think in the long run that your partner is showing negative qualities beyond the sexlessness itself that would make staying married to him unsustainable. (Raging, controlling, not caring about your feelings and perspective, not making any effort to meet your needs).

What? That’s absolutely awful and so selfish of him! How do you think it would be if it was the other way around?

The more I read, the more I think his behaviour is absolutely out of order.

With regards to whether or not it’s cheating well if he doesn’t know about it and wouldn’t be happy then yes it’s cheating. You need to be able to discuss these things in a healthy marriage.

Does he really not m**turbate at all?

as long as I am doing everything he wants

I would really reflect on this statement, because that indicates to me that you are in a controlling relationship. Think about how that manifests and how that has made you change your behaviour. And then what you can do about this. That’s the issue to resolve.

The affair website is not the solution, because it’s not an open and transparent solution which allows you to live with integrity. If your DH finds out, then the blame for the end of the marriage will be on you. So I would try and find a way forward to address the real issues, and seek external counselling/support if you need it.

I don't like the throwing away of your sex toys -he doesn't want sex but also doesn't want you to be fulfilled? That's mean and controlling.
You are unhappy OP, it's evident. I also think it goes deeper than the lack of sex. Start making plans, even if they are longer term. Life is too short.

This is not a way to live. I understand the attention from others making you still feel desired. But also how dare he throw out any sex toys etc. If he doesn't want sex that is up to him, but to not allow you any pleasure at all is completely controlling.

He doesn't care about you enough to change, please leave him. You are too young to be stuck like this.

Obviously you don't need to leave right now, but if start working out how to make it happen.

Not that anyone should have to 'put up' with living like this, but you are only 36!!!

I hear you want a 'stable' home for the kids, but right now they are watching you being meek and people pleasing around him to keep the peace. This is not great behaviour for them to learn from either of you.

Do you have much independence away from him?
Do you get to meet up or go out with friends?

Do your kids have fun with him/all of you as a family?

You are entitled to much better and to be happy and feel good about yourself for your own sake, not because he or someone else is paying you attention.

He also got very angry when he found some ‘aids’ I had purchased once and threw them away, so I have to keep the fact I use those secret.

For this alone, I would LTB. This goes way beyond his not being interested in sex.

This is terrible. He is responding to your expression of needs in an angry and controlling way. This is no way for you to live.

No wonder you are doing things to boost your self esteem in secret.

as long as I am doing everything he wants

This is absolutely no way to. I'm very sorry for you and hope you find the courage to leave. Think about it. If you have mismatched needs, there are many ways you could deal with that together.

He isn't even trying to meet your needs. He is closing down any expression of your needs. Don't allow anyone to do that to you. No matter what excuse they use. It's just not right.

You need to start making plans op. This is no way to live and your online activities are the least of your worries.

It’s not wrong for your husband to not want sex but it it’s also not wrong for you to want it. I think you need to find someone who can give you what you want and stop searching for cheap thrills online.

It’s not cheating as such. But it’s not okay. I would be very upset if my partner were doing this.
But I can understand why you feel the need to in these circumstances. I don’t think it’s a long term solution though. You need a serious conversation with your DH about how it isn’t sustainable long term for you to be in a sexless marriage and how it’s making you feel and if he’s not prepared to do something to change that, you may want to consider ending the marriage.

I agree with @CandyLeBonBon. The more you've written the worse DH sounds- you sound frightened of him to be honest OP. He seems to be more like a "fatherly figure" than a husband.

He's controlling you and it's crept up on you, I'm glad you're beginning to realise.. I understand you want stability for your children but a happy mother is important too- not to mention setting an example of a healthy, loving, respectful relationship. They'll pick up on it- if not now, then when they're older and it's all even worse.

OP. By not being interested in sex, your husband has decided it is the end of your sex life too. That is, in effect, what is happening here. The fact he's not "letting" you use sex toys is completely unacceptable, by the way. He is controlling of your body in a way I would find concerning and, for that reason alone, I think you should consider leaving.

The rest of my comment is about the lack of sex between the two of you.

Your husband is, of course, entitled to not want sex. It's his body and he should be able to make those decisions. But if he wants to have no sex and no longer desires you (which sadly, it is a fact), then in my book he waves his "right" to exclusivity. It is fine for him to decide to end his own sex life. It is not fine that, by choosing not to seek treatment, he in effects ends your own sex life.

People with low sex drive feel is no big deal to not have sex again. But for people with a healthy sex drive, lack of sex is damaging to their sense of worth, to their happiness and can very easily lead down to depression.

OP, take control. You have a three choices here: a) stay and accept there is no sex life for the rest of your life; b) leave and allow yourself to find more fulfilling relationships; c) stay and have affairs. The later solution allows many, many desperately unhappy people to stay with their low-sex partners, but it is rarely a satisfactory solution long-term. It might tide you over until you're ready to leave, though.

What Nigella says. With bells on.

Your response and actions are completely understandable but it would be cheating in my book.

You could tell him if it wasn't.

See, I think cheating only applies in a real marriage. This is a marriage in name only now he’s taken sex off the table. He’s unilaterally broken his marriage vows so I don’t think cheating enters the equation.

Its a really sad situation, I agree that it is cheating - but your partner cant expect you not to have sex at all, ever, especially since you told him its hard for you? I don't know what the answer is; obviously the best thing would be for you to split up - and I would say it will happen eventually, not just because of sex, but also because your partner does not care about you... You can continue doing what you are doing, but there is a real danger that it will either escalate - one day you will answer the message, and meet someone - or that he will find out somehow.

Maybe try to speak to him again? Though he absolutely should not take medication he doesn't want to take, maybe he could make a bit more effort with you? Compliments, some cuddling, some light foreplay?...

Yes your recent post makes me think he is controlling. I'm sorry OP. I think you need to make plans to leave.

Really try not to have an affair because it will muddy the waters and he will make it your fault and there might be problems with the children & money etc.

A fucking 50 year old telling you what to do at 36? Fuck that. I wonder how old you were when you got together? When I was 40 I would have easily been able to impose my will on a 26 year old, had I wanted to...just saying. :(

The throwing your toys out is a 🚩, at 36 he cannot expect you not to satisfy yourself.
At 36 my libido was at its highest!
You are fooling yourself, you are not happy and he needs to know (although with your posts I would not advocate telling him about the website!)

@Karatema i agree!
I'm nearly 35 and found that me and my husband are at our peak (we've been together for 20 years and started having sex when we were around 17/18).
I know he pleasures himself.... he knows I pleasures myself.... then also use what I use during our time together as well.

Sorry if it's TMI! But it's a massive red flag him wanting to control your natural urges by throwing your sex toys out! It is your body! Not his!

It sounds like you are not compatible... you are looking elsewhere for the affection you crave from your husband. You have started with these sites... this might be the start of a slippery slope.