To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

[Disorderla]

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

Yes, if I’d refused to discuss it. OP’s husband has checked out of the marriage in every way. They’re just two people living in the same house.

It takes a measure of doing, to sleep beside a man you love and want, knowing that he has nil desire for you. My DH was always affectionate, loving and complimentary but it wasn't enough. Several discussions brought an agreement: We agreed I have sex outside the marriage so long as I was open about it. No lies, no subterfuge, no flaunting it in his face, just honesty. The guy I finally chose was a work colleague, single and attracted to me. DH knew him, they got on well and we were all friends in any case. It worked for us.

You are being abused. You DH is using sex as a weapon and stringing you along with just enough attention to keep you being a stepford wife.
The minute you step outside that assigned role, he gets angry, blows up, you can't cope and go back to how he wants you, the docile wife, Madonna figure. He doesn't want you to be a sexual person otherwise he wouldn't have thrown out your toys. Bastard!
In the long run, that is what your DC will see. Is that really what you want to teach them about relationships?

I don't think it's cheating, but I do think it will eventually lead to it.

Your DH sounds selfish and controlling. The fact you can't speak to him about what you need from the marriage without him "exploding" should tell you everything. It's a sensitive subject and he's probably embarrassed and insecure himself but doesn't know how to express that as a 50yr old man. But your needs are valid and important and worthy of discussion. Don't forget that. Secretly compromising by seeking scraps of validation from strangers on the internet seems like a very poor substitute for real intimacy. I wouldn't call it "cheating" until you respond. I think you can do better though. Tell him you are deeply unhappy. Tell him you're going to buy new sex toys and that he is welcome to participate or not, but that he may not control your access to sexual pleasure. Tell him you will continue to consider your options re the marriage and that you are open to adult-to-adult discussion. Tell him you will support him to get whatever help he needs to participate in saving your marriage. Tell him how his outbursts make you feel. If he continues to blow up and remains unwilling to work with you on this, your children will be better off with 2 happy but separated parents rather than 2 unhappy married ones.

I did the same thing years ago, OP, (I was just 30) though my husband had cheated. Possibly the same site. I did reply to a couple of men, but the chatting stayed platonic (I ignored the weird ones). One of the men said he had an alcoholic wife he couldn't leave, but that was possibly not true. I backed out when it came to the reality of meeting one, and left the site.

I must have got something similar out of it to you, OP. Though I had an emotional affair after that, I refused to let anything happen (the man was in a relationship and offered to leave), but it was that experience that made me realise I could/should have more than my then husband.

I do regret talking to the men, and I've only ever mentioned it here. I think it's because I thought it would be safer as they wouldn't want to leave and have a proper relationship either. I'm not sure. I wouldn't do it again.

You do deserve better @Disorderla I hope you can leave if you're miserable.

Late to the thread but I can’t stop thinking about it. Why should a partner, of any gender, feel that they need to take hormones or perform intimate acts they don’t feel the desire for? From the responses I have read in the thread it appears that the majority think it is ok to expect someone to meet the intimate needs of their partner even when they don’t want to but not ok for a partner to accept a reduced sex life out of respect for their partner. I can’t stop thinking about.

It's his choice but if he's been diagnosed with low testosterone then it makes sense for him to be taking it. It's not just his sex life this will be affecting. It'll be affecting his mood and his energy levels amongst other things.

And as has been said dozens of times on this thread, it's not ok to force celibacy on an unwilling partner. The OP is far too young at 36 to give up sex forever when she clearly doesn't want this. Doing without any intimacy, any sexual activity, and being denied even an orgasm on her own with toys is fucking cruel.

Thanks for your reply. I can see that the situation isn’t ideal for either partner. Both are going to have to compromise. The writing is on the wall. Unless he agrees to an open marriage of course.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I have a lot to think over.

I started this thread for opinions on what I was doing but have ended up realising things are worse in the relationship than I initially believed.

It’s just a small act of rebellion, but I have ordered some more toys.

Edited to say that I have no idea how or what the flashing happy birthday is about, I can’t seem to remove it?

Then he should do the decent thing and set her free. She's not even permitted to talk about how she feels and is ridiculed for wanting sex. And he certainly has no right to 'forbid' her using sex toys!

I agree he is controlling and in this instance it is probably right for her to leave.
I was thinking more broadly however, without controlling behaviours, when the issue is simply an imbalance of libido.

This, exactly. I had a bit of sympathy for him until the OP said he had thrown out her sex toys. His message is, "I don't want sex, and I'm going to stop you having any kind of sexual pleasure too." And he gets angry every time she tries to discuss it. What a prince. 🙄

it is cheating in my eyes. Either take him how he is (if he isn’t willing to get treatment like you said) or leave him. There is no half way between cheating and not. If you seek validation from other men, and he doesn’t know about it.. it’s cheating. You deserve to be happy too so maybe consider leaving

There’s more ways of ending a marriage than leaving. It’s over. He’s checked out. There’s no marriage any more, nothing to cheat on.

No, I don't think this is cheating. Ive been on those sites and I know exactly what you mean. Getting very specific positive feedback when you feel like you are the physical dregs gives you a kind of confidence that IMO is no more fake than any other kind.

But TBH you know your dh would think it was cheating. He threw away your vibrator FGS, he thinks masturbating is a kind of betrayal. There is no way he would accept this.

You are taking horrible risks telling friends as well. I think you want him to end it. I think you feel trapped but you don't want to be the one to make the decision.

A marriage where you don't touch or kiss intimately, where someone has shut down your sex life without your consent, is a marriage that has altered so fundamentally that I think anyone has the right to seek sex elsewhere. Male or female. I wouldn't judge you for doing that secretly, but I don't think you will be able to do that. I'm afraid I think your marriage is over, and you will actually feel better long term if you take the bull by the horns and start the process of divorce. I'm sorry.

There’s no perfect solution here OP. I understand your desire to put your children first, and in the context of a generally happy relationship I think I’d do the same in your shoes.

What you’re doing isn't ideal, but if it gets you through the next few years until you feel your children could cope better with a separation, I don’t think you have got much to lose.

Agree but they are both still ‘in the relationship’ so regardless of the other persons actions or attitude, until one person leaves.. it’s still a relationship

This is spot on

huge difference here is that he was willing to try to fix the situation for you. The effort must have gone a long way.

It isn’t. There’s no sex. They’re just living in the same house like flat mates.

Neither of them has said ‘we are no longer in a relationship’ so until one does.. it’s cheating. That’s just my opinion of course but each to their own x

Nobody needs to say it. Actions speak louder than words. He’s not only refused to have sex with her but won’t discuss it. He’s checked out.

Leave him