To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

[Disorderla]

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

I'd class that as cheating if you're doing it without your husband's knowledge.

If you're not happy in your marriage, end the marriage. It's that simple.

Just a few things I would think about.
Always had a much higher sex drive than my other half.
he did go onto testosterone- not injections- but it didn’t work anyway.
muddled through for many years.
stayed with him because I loved him so much.
my sex drive has gone now and I have been so glad we are together and he isn’t pestering me all the time. We have a loving relationship- lots of kisses and cuddles.
totally dependent on your own feelings and if you feel you can get through this period. Only you know how much you want to put into this family situation and if you would regret it in years to come.

If you’re going to do this you need to be honest and tell your dh. I think if he assumes you’re happy with the whole no sex set up and then finds you’re doing this he’s going to feel betrayed as it’s not what he thinks you’ve agreed to. (I am sort of in a same situation here- I struggle with having sex due to medical issues - lupus and bladder issues in my case- and dh and I have talked about it so many times but the bottom line is dh would like more sex than I’m able to give. So I said well then it’s up to you if you want to stay or not because this is what I can do / want to do. So he’s stayed. But if I found out he was messaging people or signing up to dating websites I’d be horrified. I’d rather he just leave and stop making me feel pressured and uncomfortable).

I can’t say that I am particularly happy, but it feels more ‘bearable’ now.

I know that it sounds pathetic, that some male attention has given me such a boost. I don’t know if I can explain how utterly crushed I felt after three years of DH showing no interest in me at all. I’ve never felt so worthless or low before.

I have spoken to him many times about how it made me feel. He just said it was a natural consequence of him being much older than me. He did actually have some viagra on prescription once, and it was wonderful and back to how it used to be. But then he never picked up his repeat prescription and then said he didn’t like it and would use it again.

Something you should also realise - at the risk of hurting your feelings - is that people who sign up for these sites for sex don’t care what you look like, or about your glowing personality. They are just hoping for a shag. That’s it.

I understand the sentiment but it doesn’t feel that simple when it is my children’s happiness and security vs my sex drive.

And when I talked about leaving DH got very upset and angry.

This doesn’t hurt my feelings, I’m aware of what being on that site means for most.

But even on a completely shallow and meaningless level, their compliments and desire make me feel better.

Writing it down I’m aware how awful that sounds, but it’s the truth of how I feel.

Why not monetise it, start an onlyfans? Then you get positive attention and money.

I'm only half joking.

But yes I would consider this cheating. If he doesn't know, and knowing would hurt him, it's deceptive at best, but cheating if you're being honest with yourself. You have my sympathies, I'd be extremely unhappy in a sexless relationship too, but I'm not sure cutting about on an affairs website is the way to go.

You are putting your face out there and could be seen by anyone that knows you or your husband or either of your families or friends. So out of order!

And when he finds out you've been doing this, he'll be less upset and angry? Because these things don't tend to stay hidden forever.

As someone who's parents "stayed together for kids", I wish they bloody hadn't. You may think you're putting up a good facade, but sooner or later the cracks will start to show, and your kids will notice.

The site enables you to blur out your face in photographs. I’m reasonably confident that no one would recognise me.

OP you are not a nun. When you married your DH you didn’t sign up for a life of celibacy. His low testosterone is a him issue. If he chooses not to seek treatment it is unfair that his problem is imprisoning you in an affectionless marriage.

I think that this is something you should be able to talk with him about- there are numerous solutions, he finds ways to satisfy you, he seeks medical treatment, he has councilling, you agree to an open relationship, you carry on just looking for this external validation. The fact he is not prepared to talk about this or explore any options with you is not acceptable.

he sounds quite manipulative and unkind to dismiss your need for intimacy as silly

Whilst it's not cheating in the traditional way, you do now have a part of your life that you are keeping secret and separate from your husband.

Would he be open to any marriage or couples therapy if he understood properly that your marriage is at risk?

It's tricky, as he is entitled to not want sex, and shouldn't be coerced in to it. But if he isn't able to recognise the change I him (presume he did used to care more about it?) is significant, then I wonder if he is depressed? You mentioned him being angry - increase in irritability and loss of interst in things can both be indicators or depression. It doesn't sound like he is able to consider how this impacts you. Is this new, or is he like this in other areas too?

You are of course entitled to want an active sex life, but your self esteem seems really caught up in what others think of you.

Are there any activities or hobbies or something new you could learn, that might boost your confidence and how you feel about yourself overall?

His lack of desire is not and should not be a reflection on you.
His lack of understanding and appreciation of your feelings is the main concern here I think.

Except it’s not ‘that simple’, is it?

Telling an overweight person to eat less - it’s that simple.

Something can be extremely simple …. in theory. In practice, in reality, it’s a very different matter.

I’m the first to say LTB. And as I said upthread, I do think this relationship is over, it’s just a matter of when.

But it’s also true that it’s very much not ‘that simple’ in practice.

I don’t think it’s cheating. Hell, I wouldn’t think it was cheating if you went out and had sex with other men, given your DH is actively refusing to have sex with you. Your DH doesn’t get to believe, on the one hand, that sex is such an important thing that you having it with somebody else is cheating - yet also tell you that sex is so unimportant that he can decide your marriage can remain sexless.

I found my Exh had signed up to a dating website In May last year, I never did find out how far he got with it because I ended it. For me the nail in the coffin was when the thought first entered his head because he was looking elsewhere, that is not the person I want to be married to. If you are doing this your marriage is dead already.

You're deceiving your husband and seeking sexual attention outside of your marriage, of course it is cheating!
He can refuse to do anything about his lack of sex drive, but he cannot refuse to let you separate from him because he refuses to do anything about it. He doesn't get to dictate that you stay together in this exact situation because thats what HE wants and is satisfied with, and also expect you to just put up and shut up. The moral, none cheating options are to accept it and be unhappy, or separate. His behaviour does not justify yours, you ARE cheating and going against your vows, and he would be justified in feeling betrayed and cheated on if he found out.
You don't need his permission to break up with him, so do the right thing, leave the website, tell your husband its ultimatum time, and if he still refuses to see a doctor etc, then follow through and split up.

So if you’re blurring your face the comments are about your body??? Yuck! Hardly meaningful.

He can't have it both ways. He can't unilaterally decide that your marriage will be sexless and then get upset when you tell him it's not what you want.

Also it's not just your sex drive. It's the connection and intimacy in your marriage, it's your self-worth, your happiness and your pleasure. Do you really want to never have sex ever again? Because your DH has decided that's your future.

For better for worse?

I don't blame you OP, seems like a good compromise to me.
He can't face his issue and doesn't want to.
You are getting validated elsewhere.
Kids are safe in the nest.

If you are talking to only one person, then you are in an emotional affair.
What you are doing is not that.

I second @Elliania. It is one thing to have low testosterone and declining desire, no one should be forced into any form of sexual contact that they neither want nor enjoy.

However, you are not trying to force anything, you are trying to communicate with your LIFE PARTNER that sex, intimacy and desire are important to you and necessary to the relationship. He doesn't want sex anymore and is not interested in treatments or using Viagra, fine, but him saying his piece is not the end of the conversation.

He cannot also change the fundamental base of the relationship and expect you to just accept what little he is putting on the table if it is not enough for you. He also cannot control if you leave him - you are free to do so and in the long run, your children will be fare better off with a happy mum who is able to be a whole person.

I would be extremely hurt if my partner posted pics on a website for validation or to chat/whatever. It’s not necessarily cheating but it’s disrespectful and crossing a boundary to the point I would lose trust in him in addition to worrying if he will do it again and end up cheating.

If that was me and I was struggling with those issue I would be trying anything to fix it. Not just for myself either, fuck that.

I mean I get you're saying you're risking it for you sex drive but come on, you're entitled to live. What are you doing at the moment really other than seemingly being trapped in a way because he won't try and fix it or doesn't want to. He's thrown in the towel but he's expecting you to do the same.

I wouldn't expect someone to stay if it was me or get angry. There's something else there.

Resentment will grow and that will turn into something else entirely, as it is already. So yeah I actually kind of don't blame you but also you shouldn't have to or want to seek that kind of attention.

The sentiment “For better for worse” is that you work though challenges together as a couple and overcome obstacles. In this case the husband has unilaterally decided that they are now in a celibate relationship, he is happy with that and won’t seek treatment or support. He gets angry when OP wants to talk about this and refuses to engage.

for better for worse doesn’t mean you have to put up with whatever and all shit your partner throws at you