To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

[Disorderla]

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

Tbf, though, I'd probs give an ultimatum of sort it or I'm off.

Doesn’t need to be injected, you can get it in gel form.

But why should he have to put hormones into his body to have a sex life that he isn’t bothered about? (Same argument re women and HRT really - and I say that as a woman that takes and likes HRT, so I’m playing devils advocate here). If he isn’t fussed about sex, doesn’t even want any sort of sexual intimacy why would be want to rub hormones into his body? Yeah you could say if his marriage is important to him he should / would - but is that okay from a moral point of view? To chemically alter your body for the sake of keeping a spouse happy…?

Well, he doesn't have to do anything but low testosterone is bad for the heart, bone density, and mental health too.

Your H's low testosterone isn't the main problem in your marriage.

His entitled and controlling attitude is something I'd challenge very strenuously if I were you.

He can't simply refuse to have his low testosterone addressed and at the same time dictate that you stay in a sexless 'marriage' that is eating away at your self esteem, getting angry when you express your needs.

I think you need to get your ducks in a line here.

You're living as a captive to his anger and his vanity.

I bet loads who say this is tantamount to cheating don’t think their husbands wanking off to porn is cheating! One rule for men!
if this keeps your marriage surviving while your kids are young and you aren’t acting on it I don’t see the harm tbh.

YYY to this.

If she isn’t interested in trying to revive her libido and has decided she never wants to have sex again because she doesn’t care about it, yes. Either sex is important and meaningful to a relationship, or it isn’t. If it’s important and meaningful then both partners owe it to each other to try to maintain a sex life. And if it isn’t important or meaningful enough to be bothered with, then what does it matter if your partner does this unimportant and meaningless thing with somebody else?

You're not doing your children a favour by staying. You're modelling a terrible relationship.

Simple, how would you feel if he was doing this to you?

oh sweetheart, you need to talk with him about an open relationship. There's loads of different options - you could find your way to a consensual affair (and yes, some people on those sites are looking for such a thing. they aren't all sleazebags). You can find a friend with benefits or even someone to love, alongside and with the blessing of your husband. It really is possible.

The challenge is it demands growth from both of you. And I think you know, or suspect, that he isn't up for it right now. He's terrified of change and scared of what might happen and not in touch with his own sexuality and very head in the sand. Angrily chucking away your sex toys?? That's completely awful and not on.

The only way your marriage will survive and you to grow as people is for you to find a way to broach the subject and lead him down the path with you. I have a horrible feeling he's a bit controlling and abusive here- so it might not even be something he can do.But putting the most positive interpretation on it maybe he is terrified.

So why would you wait? Don't stay in the box where you are both unhappy. Open it up. Say the unsayable. Then you are likely to find a more honest love.

If you don't... you won't be able to control this. One day you'll meet a man who will want you and make a play for you and WHOOSH your body and mind will be ignited and there will be no refusing it. Suppressing it is building up the energy, not dissipating it.

If he can't grow with you, or worse if he is abusive, you don't need that and neither do your children. So then you can choose to have an affair discreetly or to leave.

Hrtft but from what I have read I think this is essentially a sticky plaster on more serious issues in your relationship. Those being your dh lack of empathy and understanding towards your needs. I understand that he may not have a need for sex, but it doesn't make it OK for him to dismiss your feelings on it when you do have that need. I do consider what you're doing cheating and if dh was doing it then I'd leave him. But I think you're stuck in limbo and are just looking for ways to prolong the inevitable. I think if it were me I'd try to get dh to couples counselling and mediation and try to get an open conversation going about the impact this is having on you. Or you need to decide if maybe this isn't the relationship for you any more. Your dh needs to understand how serious this is and how deep the impact its having on you goes. The more you focus on this website, the more you're just ignoring the problems that are just there festering.

It’s not cheating @Disorderla but your marriage is abusive.

Have a proper affair, get your mojo back and then fuck him off for a better life.

Don’t waste any more years on him. It’s one thing him not wanting sex, it’s quite another when he is stopping you using toys. He’s awful.

Did your colleague inject himself or was he receiving the treatment at a surgery, performed by a nurse?

My DH is on eight-weekly testosterone injections. He has no choice, he’s on them for life. Low testosterone can cause more problems than just a low sex drive. Low T can also cause severe depression as well as brittle bones. If it’s medically required, then a person may benefit from the treatment significantly.

Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and controlling, as others have said how dare he make a unilateral decision to make your relationship celebrate and then show scorn and anger at your hurt about it.

Tell him you both go to counselling together or it's over and make sure he knows you mean it.

It's not a popular view on MN but I kinda get where you're coming from. It's very drastic to end a marriage and this offers a solution, albeit temporary. You will need to separate in the long run but for now, while the DC are young, this alternative might provide the validation you need.
I'd talk to your DH one more time about the lack of sex - as others have said he could still try to satisfy you rather than forcing celibacy on you. I'd ask him how he felt about an open marriage. He can't inflict sexlessness on you and be jealous at the same time!
And I'd take it from there. Maybe even have the affair ... shock horror, pearl clutchers will be horrified ... but that's the real world.

He's absolutely out of order. He has no right to throw your toys away. It's not his decision to make you celibate.
I don't think what you are doing is cheating, we all need our self esteem boosting and you're not harming anyone. But I do think you need to leave. How many years are you willing to waste of your life? Happy mum = happy kids.

I would be devastated by my husband deciding he wasn’t having sex any more and l wasn’t having sex anymore. Impressed by him disposing of your vibrators or similar. It’s really all about him isn’t it!

This would bring out the worst in me. Cue me cheating properly and most likely flaunting it in his face. He sounds selfish, controlling and rather unpleasant. Time to get out

@Pigeonqueen

"But why should he have to put hormones into his body to have a sex life that he isn’t bothered about? (Same argument re women and HRT really - and I say that as a woman that takes and likes HRT, so I’m playing devils advocate here). If he isn’t fussed about sex, doesn’t even want any sort of sexual intimacy why would be want to rub hormones into his body? Yeah you could say if his marriage is important to him he should / would - but is that okay from a moral point of view? To chemically alter your body for the sake of keeping a spouse happy…?"

He doesn't have to do any of those things BUT he should respect his wife's distress at the lack of sex rather than being scornful. He should acknowledge it's a problem for her and seek to find a solution eg open marriage, agree to separation in a civil manner

Reading a text message from a human is not equivalent to having sex with that human.

Even on Mumsnet. 💐 OP.

I dont judge you for needing a bit of attention From other men in your situation to be honest. Your H is being selfish by not working with you to address the issue and leaving you with nothing. You shouldnt have to go the rest of your life without sex jist because you are married but i also think that what your doing now isnt sustainable and you need to lay it all out on the table with your H about how you are feeling. He cant have it all his own way he needs to sort his shit out or maybe you are jist better off splitting up so you can find a partner who is more suited to the lifestyle that you want.

Not physically cheating, sure most of us have flirtations with 'only if' when we meet people. It sounds like you crave male attention and have found a way to get it by sharing sexy messages and pictures. On the fence here, it makes you happy, fantasise, without doing the dirty, but still hurtful if your DH found out I assume. When feeling horny and wanting reciprocation to be desired and don't get it from the one you want it from, yeah not good. Know where you're coming from, no easy answer, but when u hit menopause this urge tends to decline and u may come to accept there isn't this unrelenting need to feel special, we get older, realise sexual fulfillment isn't the most important thing in life! Not the same for all women of course, just an observation..x

My view is that while I'm with somebody I won't cheat on them out of principle. I would leave rather than do mental gymnastics to justify my infidelity.

It's a slippery slope OP. I started similar to you and progressed onto physical cheating (kissed 2 other blokes) but significant emotional cheating via messages and close male friendships which strayed over the line. I'm not proud but wish I hadn't ignored the early signs and took action sooner to either save the relationship or leave sooner. Took me three years to finally leave after those first early forays onto cheating websites. Different issues caused our relationship break down but like you I tried to ignore the early sign of decline. Either leave or talk honestly to your husband and try to fix.

Yup. They should end the relationship before deciding to cheat.