To believe this is harmless and not really cheating.

[Disorderla]

I probably am, but for some context DH and I have been in a sexless relationship for three years now.

DH has low testosterone. He could get treatment for it but has chosen not to pursue it further. We’ve talked many times, he just doesn’t see it as a big deal.

I do. It made me feel ugly, depressed and very unhappy. But we have a great life and young children, so I felt that leaving ‘just’ because of sex would be selfish. But I was so miserable.

Then I read about an affairs website on here, and one desperate drunken evening I signed up. I added pictures but was too cowardly to actually reply to any of the men that messaged me.

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive. And I felt happy again. Never any intention to reply, but I check back every so often to read the messages (there are always hundreds!).

The reason for this post is that a close friend confided to me that they were in a similar position. She kept pushing and asking why I seemed so much happier now if my own situation was still ongoing, and I eventually told her what I was doing.

She thinks it IS cheating and that I’m fooling myself. I genuinely don’t see it as that, just a confidence boost.

AIBU?

Would you also be hurt if your partner told you that there was no more sex- you hadn’t been intimate in three years and that they weren’t interested in seeking treatment for their problem.

I thought it wasn’t cheating as long as I never replied, but I can see many would not think of it that way.

The photos are full body but completely dressed (not that that makes it any better I suppose).

I would never have thought I’d be gaining confidence and so happy at comments from complete strangers either a few years ago. It really has helped me though, it would be dishonest to pretend it hadn’t. People are noticing and commenting on how much happier/healthier I seem.

Sometimes I do feel anger and resentment that DH refuses to even talk about it anymore. But when I’m tucking dc in and facing the reality of what leaving would mean I just can’t seem to do it just for myself.

If DH was behaving coldly during the day or we argued often maybe I would feel differently, but at the moment dc are in a stable home where mostly everyone is happy.

I think it's a massive betrayal and definitely sounds like an emotional affair in the sense that your fulfilment comes from these men messaging you. I think you need to consider laying it on the line for your DH and tell him you need intimacy from him or you can't stay in the marriage (or at least you can't stay without intimacy from someone else). At the end of the day, no one deserves to be in either of your positions so you need to find a long term solution or you'll both be unhappy and resentful of each other.

Your husband is so selfish, its so easy to raise testosterone levels, all it takes is a daily dollop of gel rubbed in to the shoulder area.
If he can't do that why stay with him?

I wouldn't say you were cheating but I would say that you're standing with all ten toes off the edge of a precipice.

You've got your validation and know that you are desirable. That shouldn't have been in doubt but DHs disinterest can be killing. The answer is not an affair but a constructive look at your life and what you actually want from it.

Having worked that out talk to DH about what you will and won't accept and take it from there. Whatever you decide, have an exit plan in place and be prepared to put it into practice as it would be awful to be left flailing. No affair can substitute for the half life you're currently living. You deserve better.

I think a lot of this boils down to intimacy. He doesn’t have to have sex but what about intimacy? Hand holding, cuddling, kissing? Is foreplay off the cards too? Using toys instead? My boyfriend struggles with ED due to medical conditions but is trying to find a solution, nothing works all the time, but our intimacy is there. We experiment too and have lots of fun. I would say we have great sex but actually we often are unable to have sex due to ED but we can and do lots of other things that leave us both satisfied. Would he be open to increasing intimacy? Perhaps even seeking a therapist to support this. No wonder you feel the way you do if there is no intimacy either. You are looking for validation elsewhere and so things do need to change. I can cope without sex but without intimacy I’d walk.

Just wanting someone to like or admire you is not cheating. Even if you fantasise it its not cheating, you are allowed a bit of virtual fun, if your DH cannot perform. Cut yourself some slack.

I don't blame you OP. It's not that easy to just walk away from a marriage especially when DC are involved. People always conveniently forget that on here.

If it's giving you a much needed confidence boost, go for it. Life really is too short!

No offence, but this is completely incorrect. It's a pretty common treatment which can be prescribed by the NHS. It has huge benefits for genuine sufferers such as curing the associated depression, lack of sex drive, and general low energy.

Low testosterone over time can cause cardiac problems, osteoporosis, and various other issues. Only way you could feasibly kill yourself is by injecting into a vein which is near impossible as the main injection areas don't have big enough veins. It's only really bodybuilders abusing it that are at significant risk and that's more from long term heart issues issues, not acute death from injection. I know somebody on it and it's literally changed his life.

You're more likely to die from choking on your dinner and many times more likely to die in your car.

Usually they start you on gel anyway so you don't even inject. They only move to injections as a second line of treatment.

Isn't not being arsed to have sex a major symptom of being low in testosterone? Libido goes at the window?
So until he actually does get testosterone he's never actually going to care much about having sex.
You can't force anything as its his body, but your can make it clear as day that you need and want the sexual intimacy. Is there any intimacy at all between you two?

Said no woman ever who discovered her hubby on a swingers site. 😂😂😂

Low libido is the classic sign. Along with general meh.

It's a good boost for the confidence, but believe me, it isn't a pool you would want to dip your toe into. You only have to read about OLD on here. The men on the site know you want a shag and nothing else, you would soon be in a worse position believe me. You would only end up longing for one of these guys, or an std.

This.

It isn’t cheating.

It is very sad, and very upsetting for your partner should he find out. But it isn’t cheating.

It is cheating but I don't blame you. I also wouldn't judge you even if you slept with one of them.

I'm not sure whether or not it's cheating... but it's really sad. He sounds deeply selfish. One thing if he were trying or being sympathetic or even just focusing on being affectionate or giving pleasure to you for your sake.. but to refuse to do anything about it but also refuse to discuss splitting and just getting angry with you.
Please leave him. Life is too short. It's not just about sex it's about intimacy and trust and having each others backs. He's deserted you and yetdoesn't wantt You to desert him.
Please end this relationship

BUT I read the messages. It became almost an addiction, it was such a rush to read that these men wanted me and found my pictures attractive.

With all due respect they just want anyone.

I would say this is a step up from watching porn. Ok you haven't responded but you did sign up.

You need to have the discussion with your husband. If no intimacy is a deal breaker for you and he doesn't want it then you need to come to a decision. But it needs to be open between you.

Is he willing to do other things like cuddling, massages, oral, etc.?

I’m not delusional in the sense that I believe these men may love me, or that I am in any way special.

It boosted my ego, rather shallow but true, because I know they would sleep with me. I’m not saying that I want to sleep with random men, or that it would be enjoyable or worthwhile.

It was just the fact that someone (anyone!) would want to, that I am desirable to someone, that gave me a boost.

The votes seem pretty evenly split, which seems to reflect the opinions I’ve had in real life. The friend I confided in was certain that it was cheating, but my best friend likens it to having an instagram account and getting validation from comments on that, which ironically I’d be too embarrassed to do.

I understand that people think I should tell DH, but he claims up when anything remotely to do with our love life is mentioned. It feels like talking to a brick wall in that regard so it would be useless to try (and fail) yet again. We’ve been through all the ultimatums and deep chats, it changes nothing.

I’d love to say I’m brave and will leave DH to find happiness but in all honesty that won’t happen unless he becomes cold/cruel. I feel loved sometimes, I just don’t feel wanted. And I want my children’s life to remain stable. That is the most important to me right now.

I also am probably going to keep logging onto that site to read the comments from time to time when I feel a bit low. I feel a hit bad about it, but I can’t see another way that causes the least pain to everyone.

DH has refused all things sexual for the last three years. No intimate touching or foreplay, he counts that as sex and says he doesn’t want to. He also got very angry when he found some ‘aids’ I had purchased once and threw them away, so I have to keep the fact I use those secret.

He will briefly hug, hold hands and kiss my cheek during the day.

I've been there. My husbands lack of sex drive caused us so many issues and I felt exactly as you do.

HOWEVER he was willing to talk about it, to try and understand how I was feeling. He was willing to try and engage in touching (ie on the leg watching tv etc) and kissing and generalised intimacy. And based on your last post my husband had ZERO issue with me using toys and finding ways to have my own pleasure.

My husband has also spent a year in therapy and getting help to get his libido back in a way that works for us.

I don't think what you're doing is right, but I 100% understand why you're doing it and the effect it has.

I also understand how difficult it must be to justify leaving over "just" sex. But this isn't just sex, its communication, its intimacy and honesty outside of the bedroom, it's loss of a partner in a way that's destroying your sense of self.

Can you honestly say that the impact that this will have on you between now and your kids leaving won't slowly destroy their mum? For me that would be what would make me leave. I have boys and I want them to understand the importance of self love and care as well as being a caring and equal partner.

Sorry for the essay I just read the full thread and didn't want to ignore anything. I wish you all the best of luck!

Not to keep beating the same drum, but is it ok then for a bloke to shag around when his wife experiences reduced libido due to the menopause or other hormonal issues?

I would be devastated if I found out my husband was doing that. Devastated.

There are problems in your marriage, and maybe they're dealbreakers for you, but you either work on a compromise or end the marriage. Not put yourself out there like that.