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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

224 replies

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:26

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 07/11/2023 14:29

I’d nip out during the wake, particularly since you’re only staying there to accommodate your friend.

leafinthewind · 07/11/2023 14:29

Your friend has known you for years and will understand. I reckon you pick it up during the wake, leaving your friend to catch up with family, then drive her home. She'll be glad not to be under pressure to leave, and you'll be glad to have your rare doodah and a free weekend.

Autumnleaves89 · 07/11/2023 14:30

Could you speak to your friend first? I know me and most of my friends would have absolutely no problem with this. If you think she would be ok then tell her first to take away some of the uncertainty and worry.

Sirzy · 07/11/2023 14:30

I would explain and nip out

Clarich007 · 07/11/2023 14:30

I agree with your husband I don't think you are being unreasonable, in fact you are going out of your way to help your friend.I'm afraid life doesn't stop when someone dies, the funeral will be over I would definitely gently explain to your friend and stop to pick up the part.
All the best, hope it works out.

Thingamebobwotsit · 07/11/2023 14:32

Is this the same friend, who's Dad just died? I am assuming not from the way you have written this post.

If no, then absolutely fine to nip out or pick up on the way home. Most people would understand.

If yes, then that is more tricky and all you can do is ask them.

MarjorieTheManager · 07/11/2023 14:32

You would be unreasonable to go at the weekend making 2 journeys.

NorthStarRising · 07/11/2023 14:32

Talk to your friend and see how she feels about it.
To me, it makes sense to collect the item at the same time.

maslinpan · 07/11/2023 14:33

In your friend's position, I would be appreciative of your help with the lift, I wouldn't mind if you made a minor detour on the way back. It would feel more than a bit crass to run an errand in the middle of the wake though. After my Dad's wake I was just exhausted and barely noticed what was going on, but you will have a better idea of how she may be feeling.

Haydenn · 07/11/2023 14:33

Tell your friend and ask would she mind if you pop out of the wake early and return to pick her up or would you rather stop on the way back.

Original poster
parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:33

Talking to her sounds easy and under normal circumstances would be easy but she's so distraught it's hard to find the right time.
Text or face to face?

OP posts:
FooFighter99 · 07/11/2023 14:33

I think you're overthinking it @parkingsadness

Your friend will just be grateful for the lift, they won't be bothered about you running this perfectly reasonable errand. By all means, mention it before hand, but don't make a massive deal out of it.

Comtesse · 07/11/2023 14:33

You are overthinking this. It’s ok to step out for a bit from the wake. No one will really mind.

Original poster
parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:33

Thingamebobwotsit · 07/11/2023 14:32

Is this the same friend, who's Dad just died? I am assuming not from the way you have written this post.

If no, then absolutely fine to nip out or pick up on the way home. Most people would understand.

If yes, then that is more tricky and all you can do is ask them.

It is the same friend.

OP posts:
Sarvanga38 · 07/11/2023 14:34

She's your friend. Just tell her you're tying yourself in knots over it because you don't want to upset her, but you need to collect this thing. Absolutely don't do another 5+ hour drive for something that she'll likely say fine to anyway.

TrailingFig · 07/11/2023 14:34

Ask your friend if she would prefer you stop in the way back or if you nip out for an hour.

Maddy70 · 07/11/2023 14:35

I don't think it's off at all she will understand or go during the wake

ItsThatTimeAgainXmas · 07/11/2023 14:35

Comtesse · 07/11/2023 14:33

You are overthinking this. It’s ok to step out for a bit from the wake. No one will really mind.

This, I wouldn't even mention it to the friend. If she notices it in the car after just say oh yes I had to nip out for this earlier. She won't notice anyway or care, she's burying her dad. Just nip out and don't be weird.

TrailingFig · 07/11/2023 14:36

I left a wake to pick up kids from school once and drop them at a friends, then went back. It’s fine, especially as you’re giving her a lift.

Maddy70 · 07/11/2023 14:36

Just say. One the way back do you mind if we do a detour to collect a part from my instrument? I've bought it and it's near the funeral ?

BarneyAteMyHomework · 07/11/2023 14:36

I’d be absolutely fine with it if I was your friend (but I am a fan of niche musical instruments so may be biased!). I’d just ask her.

I am also very curious about what the instrument is

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2023 14:36

You're going to be in the car for a long time on the way there. Plenty of time to ask.

CMOTDibbler · 07/11/2023 14:37

I'd pop out and collect it during the later part of the wake. No need to make a fuss about it, just tell your friend you have an errand to run

ElleCapitaine · 07/11/2023 14:38

Hang on - YOU are the driver. Why on earth are you hanging around for hours when you don’t want to? Tell your friend you’re leaving at 4pm because you have to pick up a floofenhoogen for your shooflehorn on the way back and you don’t want to be getting back late. That way she has the choice of getting the train if wants to stay later and can plan in advance.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/11/2023 14:38

Surely as a friend she’d understand. I know I would.