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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

224 replies

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:26

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

OP posts:
Allwelcone · 07/11/2023 15:38

Forsakenalmosthuman · 07/11/2023 14:53

Good grief. Drop her off at the wake, get the thingamejig and come back for her. No need for any angst.

Yes. This. The less faff for your friend the better.
Am now having visions of you driving home with a massive tuba in the back of your car and her being like "what's that?".

ns87 · 07/11/2023 15:38

Autumnleaves89 · 07/11/2023 14:30

Could you speak to your friend first? I know me and most of my friends would have absolutely no problem with this. If you think she would be ok then tell her first to take away some of the uncertainty and worry.

This!

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 07/11/2023 15:38

Ponderingwindow · 07/11/2023 14:41

During the wake. If you wouldn’t otherwise stay for the whole event, it makes sense for you to step out, run your errand, and return to pick up your friend.

I would just explain to friend in advance what is happening.

Yep this would be my choice too. So then once she gets in the car, you just run her straight back to home, no detour or faff.

Hollyhead · 07/11/2023 15:39

@TerrorAustralis whereas I am astounded at the self centred nature of people. No matter how bereaved I would always want my friends to save themselves a 5 hour trip. Not to mention the carbon cost. Dealt with appropriately it’s not insensitive.

NotLactoseFree · 07/11/2023 15:41

Yes, I think stepping out if it is what you would have done anyway if you weren't driving your friend, is the most appropriate thing to do. I think on the drive you can mention that you'll be doing that and that you'll be back in less than an hour. You know she'll be talking to other friends and relatives but you'll be as quick as you can and of course, back in plenty of time to go back together.

NotLactoseFree · 07/11/2023 15:41

Or, option B - you ask th person you are buying it from if you can pay slightly more and then come and meet you discreetly in the car park of the funeral home/wake venue or somewhere super nearby in which case you'd only need to pop out for 5 minutes.

Hollyhead · 07/11/2023 15:42

I’m leaning now to going out during the wake actually, how big is the wake likely to be? If it’s big definitely slip out then, if it’s smaller then it might be harder if she needs you there.

HaPPy8 · 07/11/2023 15:43

WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 15:05

Because @Chipsahoyagain being there for your friend means literally being there for your friend. Not popping out to do errands in the hour after she's buried her dad.

I agree with you completely. I think you need to do this another day.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/11/2023 15:43

Sirzy · 07/11/2023 14:30

I would explain and nip out

Agreed. You're doing her a favour by giving her the lift. It's not disrespectful to make a short detour.

ElleCapitaine · 07/11/2023 15:43

Crunchymum · 07/11/2023 15:04

You do know that the friend is the one who's dad has just died right? OP has agreed to drive her friend to her dad's funeral. These aren't two friends going to a 3rd friend's dad's funeral.

Show quote history

Ahh, sorry, OP. If it’s the same friend whose dad died then you’re going to have to suck it up, I’m afraid. Maybe see how things are on the day before you decide what to do.

WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 15:44

NotLactoseFree · 07/11/2023 15:41

Or, option B - you ask th person you are buying it from if you can pay slightly more and then come and meet you discreetly in the car park of the funeral home/wake venue or somewhere super nearby in which case you'd only need to pop out for 5 minutes.

Now that's a good idea.

Autumnvibes23 · 07/11/2023 15:45

I would ask your friend if she would mind you nipping out of the wake or picking it up afterwards. Explain the whole situation. She won't necessarily mind. Even if picking it up with her she might see it as a nice distraction.

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 07/11/2023 15:45

Mostlyoblivious · 07/11/2023 15:35

Either go before your pick your friend up (ensure you have time so not to be late) or perhaps get an air bnb with what you’d have spent on fuel (not to mention your time) for the night and pick up the next day

Read the OP posts again. She and bereaved friend both live in a similar place which is far away from the funeral/where the instrument piece is.

So neither of your options work. she can't pick it up before she gets friend And she has to run friend home again after the funeral.

WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 15:46

Autumnvibes23 · 07/11/2023 15:45

I would ask your friend if she would mind you nipping out of the wake or picking it up afterwards. Explain the whole situation. She won't necessarily mind. Even if picking it up with her she might see it as a nice distraction.

Or leave her alone as she's just lost her dad, and do it another day...why put the decision on a grieving person?

TorroFerney · 07/11/2023 15:46

Not what you are asking but is she not in the funeral car? That usually (well usually being all the ones I’ve Brennstoffzelgets you to the wake so you could do it then.

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 07/11/2023 15:46

NotLactoseFree · 07/11/2023 15:41

Or, option B - you ask th person you are buying it from if you can pay slightly more and then come and meet you discreetly in the car park of the funeral home/wake venue or somewhere super nearby in which case you'd only need to pop out for 5 minutes.

That's a good idea

diddl · 07/11/2023 15:48

She'll have family with her at the wake.

If you weren't taking her you would leave when you wanted to & collect the part when you wanted to.

So perhaps since you have decided to stay longer for her convenience the best thing is to pop out during the wake/drop her off & go then so that you can both go straight home at the end.

LaurieStrode · 07/11/2023 15:48

Hollyhead · 07/11/2023 15:42

I’m leaning now to going out during the wake actually, how big is the wake likely to be? If it’s big definitely slip out then, if it’s smaller then it might be harder if she needs you there.

Even if it's smaller, surely it's not too much to ask for an hour of privacy during a long and emotional day that includes a lot of driving in both directions. Presumably friend will have other family and friends there, and be greeting them and talking with them.

The OP should feel free to go and run her errand after the wake is under way. Or alternatively is there a train that the friend can take home? OP could drive her one way and she could get a train or lift home.

Butsheisnot · 07/11/2023 15:49

I don't know. If it was one of my closest, oldest friends, who maybe doesn't have a lot of other support (hence needing a lift) I would focus on her and the day and not an errand.

I would also feel upset I think, if a close friend asked me if it was OK if we did an errand on the way back from my dad's funeral. It doesn't really matter if its rational or not, sometimes in life its OK to be a bit selfish, and this would be one of those days.

But you know your friend. Certainly if I had a distraught friend, I wouldn't be asking her any questions of the sort at the moment but thats up to you to judge.

Channellingsophistication · 07/11/2023 15:49

I would just nip out during the funeral - I wouldn’t mention to her beforehand. I would think that she would have her mind on other things and is not really going to care that you’ve nipped out to collect something.

WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 15:50

Would the people advocating leaving the wake feel ok about leaving a wedding to collect a parcel?

IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/11/2023 15:50

ElleCapitaine · 07/11/2023 14:38

Hang on - YOU are the driver. Why on earth are you hanging around for hours when you don’t want to? Tell your friend you’re leaving at 4pm because you have to pick up a floofenhoogen for your shooflehorn on the way back and you don’t want to be getting back late. That way she has the choice of getting the train if wants to stay later and can plan in advance.

I can't believe someone would be this cruel to a friend who was burying their dad.

OP, I don't think YABU but I would give her the option to either pick up on way back or for you to nip out. You never know, it might become an adventure on the way back and give her brain a break.

Sirzy · 07/11/2023 15:51

going during the wake also gives her a chance to spend time with her family without the OP being sat there awkwardly.

DaisysChains · 07/11/2023 15:56

As she is a principal mourner my feeling is you are not just ‘giving a lift’ you are taking her which is a different thing - and weird as mostly mourners tend to gather/travel in similar grief groupings so that those most devastated are supporting each other & not some random ‘friend’ who had only a passing acquaintance (for example)

In your OP you intended turning up to show support & leave - now you are essentially your friend’s support for the whole thing.

Is there no-one closer (sibling, cousin etc) that would be a more appropriate person for your friend to go with?

I actually can’t imagine asking any friend who hadn’t been as close as family (to parent in question) for a lift to either of my parent’s funerals. It just wouldn’t feel appropriate.

Giving a friend a lift = no probs collecting doodah

Chauffeuring a principal mourner = something else entirely & a task in itself so not appropriate to collect doodah?

I think the latter but as said above, it would be incredibly unusual in my neck of the woods for a principal mourner not to be travelling with other principals/very close family/friends or on their own so it wouldn’t be an issue.

similar level of grief implies an equal level of intimacy (ie I could ask a sibling if they minded xyz if we had both lost a parent, or a random friend if I was just random friend too)

It’s the mismatch in relative closeness to the deceased that makes your dilemma, not necessarily the detour (or not) in itself.

Zigzag24 · 07/11/2023 15:59

I’d either nip out and pick it up OR I’d price up a courier to collect it and deliver it to your home address (not a parcel carrier, a proper courier service).