To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

[parkingsadness]

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

When you leaves the cemetery/crem will she go in the funeral car with family to the wake venue? You could go then?

Of course yanbu?.....

As long as she won't be wedged in the back underneath a Leslie speaker or half a Moog, I'd do what everybody else is saying and pick it up during the wake.

ETA: So it's just as well that your friend is equally lovely as you!

As someone who cant drive, lost their dad suddenly and unexpectedly at the tail end of covid, had to travel across a sea border to attend their funeral while 8 months pregnant and rely on lifts from friends and family. I can assure you… i would not have thought twice about this and i would have been incredibly grateful at the efforts that you are making to provide support. Might be best to nip out for an hour during the wake as i she might be pretty wiped by the end of the day…
but even if that isnt possible i doubt she would resent it and might even appreciate the opportunity provided by the detour in the journey to have some extra time to chat to you one on one.

Perfect update - You have a beautiful and special friendship there 🥰 I hope the funeral goes smoothly

Go during the wake. Why would she mind when your already doing her a favour. Just don't chivvy her to leave as soon as you get back.

This. Lots of people have to get to places after a funeral, eg collecting smaller children from nursery or just having things to do. Or even going back to work. Collecting an item you need isn't disrespectful or weird.

Sorry another point to add to this…
For me, after someone died (i’ve lost both my parents), i got incredible comfort from mundane ‘life-goes-on’ type events, like, for example, my friend needing to pick up something for their specialist instruments. I also would have appreciated the reminder that the world is not all illness and death.

Is there anyway that you could pick it up before the funeral? Or will you have your friend with you for both journeys?

Explain to your friend and collect in the way back.

Exactly this. If you have to say something, just tell her you have to run an errand and will be back to collect her. If you're lucky she'll organise a lift back with someone else. Don't make a second trip.

During the boring bit when the couple disappear for an hour of photos, absolutely.

We (a large group of Uni friends) went out for chips once when the couple and family photos had taken over 2 and half hours and we hadn't eaten since breakfast. They never knew.

This is what sprung to mind for me too

If not, from a viewpoint of someone who just lost a parent and whose friend travelled mikes for it.... either option is totally fine. Especially start of wake when lots of others to speak to

Wont your friend be in the funeral car?
If not im with previous, just say you can stay untill such a such time as you have to get something while your that way.

OP, you sound lovely. I overthink things terribly but there was a previous poster who suggested that you're not merely giving a friend a lift, you're bringing a 'chief mourner' or whatever to the funeral. There's obviously a difference so I understand entirely why you felt you needed to proceed carefully. I'm so glad you've been able to broach it with her and that she's similarly sensible. Hope it all goes as well as possible.

And I want to know what your Flugelhoofenmoog instrument is too, dammit!

If you were my friend I would say just go get it whenever is best for you. You've made the effort and I'm thankful for that. X

You sound like a marvelous friend.

Can you go before the service? Or the night before?

This. The alternative will mean driving an extra five hours. You're probably worrying over nothing, and your friend will just be grateful to be able to travel with you.

If you read the OPs posts you will see that it has been resolved satisfactorily.

That’s great, ilm glad you get your flapperhoofen and she was pleased for you. What a nice friendship.

happy hoofleshoofin playing

Do you mean stop on your way home AFTER the wake? Or between funeral and wake?
The first is fine. Just tell her you need to pop in somewhere on the way home, does she mind? You're driving her a 5 hour round trip, a ten minute detour after the day she's had probably won't even register! Just leave her in the car.

Perfect solution. Best advice here 💯

During the wake. Defo.