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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

224 replies

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:26

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 07/11/2023 16:31

billy1966 · 07/11/2023 16:27

Completely agree with you.

Her father has died and the OP is being a good friend to her.

No way would I be doing an extra 5 hour drive, having arranged childcare and then futher missing my childs fixture at the weekend.

Thanks be to god I don't have friends who wouldn't get this too.

Show quote history

I also agree. A bereavement is very upsetting but practical things still need to happen and it wouldn’t make someone wish for their friend to be very inconvenienced.

Littlelucas · 07/11/2023 16:33

I would say “hey friend, I’ve bought a thingummybob from such a place which is on our way back from the funeral so il just be making a quick stop to pick it up on the way back as obvs it’s daft to then do a 5 hour drive back again the weekend after, ok?”

Don’t understand why anyone would have a problem with this, it makes absolutely no difference to the fact she’s grieving for her DD1 - plus you’re doing her a huge favour.

You’re definitely overthinking it.

Littlelucas · 07/11/2023 16:34

*for her df fgs!

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 07/11/2023 16:34

TrailingFig · 07/11/2023 14:34

Ask your friend if she would prefer you stop in the way back or if you nip out for an hour.

Yes do this..do not do another 5 hrs round trip!!

category12 · 07/11/2023 16:38

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 16:11

There's some confusion about this. My fault for not being clear- funeral traditions are new to me. We live 2.5 hours away from her home town. I'm running her to her mums house where she's meeting the other family members and getting the funeral car. I'm going to drop her off, get myself to the crematorium and then to the wake then drive her home from the wake.

Show quote history

Oh if you're dropping her to her mum's take her early, so she has a good bit of time with her mum, and you can go get the part. Then you join her for the funeral, wake and take her home.

I don't think you should leave during the wake, and I don't think doing it on the journey back is appropriate, but it would be doing a good thing for her for her to get some time with her mum on her own before it all happens and you could fit in the errand.

momtoboys · 07/11/2023 16:40

You are a good friend and can nip out during the wake to do the pickup.

CharlotteBog · 07/11/2023 16:41

I'm quite surprised your friend isn't travelling back to her home town the day before the funeral. It sounds like she was close to her father. The day of the funeral is really intense and IMO a time to be with those sharing the same level of grief.
Can the seller send the instrument? Just take the whole issue out of the equation?

diddl · 07/11/2023 16:42

What time is the funeral Op?

Too early to drop your friend off in time for you to do another hrs drive?

Is trying to do it before the funeral too much?

Edited to add-does picking up on the way home work best for you or is that out of the question now that you are staying longer?

rainbowstardrops · 07/11/2023 16:43

Just talk to your friend!!!

I definitely wouldn't be doing another 5hr round trip at the weekend when you'll be in the area on the day of the funeral.

If you weren't giving your friend a lift back after the wake then you would most probably have not stayed until the end anyway.

Just ask her if she'd prefer you to nip out for an hour during the wake when presumably, she'll have family, friends and acquaintances around her anyway and she won't need you stuck to her side, or if she'd prefer you at the wake and then nip to get your whatever it is after.

I'm guessing she'll be absolutely fine with you nipping out during the wake. It's not mandatory!

Framilode · 07/11/2023 16:46

Collect the instrument on your way to the wake.. It won't matter if you arrive a bit later. She will be busy talking to the other people at the wake. If she asks, be honest and explain why you were late.

von1471 · 07/11/2023 16:52

I’d explain to her what you’ve bought and how long you’ve been looking for it (although I would imagine she already knows) and as it’s only 25 minutes away from the wake you could pick it up sometime during the day (if she didn’t mind too much) or, you could pick it up another day, entirely up to her. Put the ball in her court, if she’s any sort of friend she’ll tell you to go and pick it up during the wake.

Renamed · 07/11/2023 16:56

Between crematiorium and wake, why not? You’ll still be there to take her home, no detours

Anonymouseposter · 07/11/2023 16:57

Your update makes it easier. You can either pick up the instrument after you drop her at her Mum's or after the service and before going to the wake. I doubt anyone will even notice if you go after the service as people will all be talking to the immediate family and you can slip away quietly.

HardcoreLadyType · 07/11/2023 17:00

Why not drop her off at her mother’s house, go and get the doohickey and then return for the funeral?

Or is this not doable?

If not, go directly after the funeral, and then return for the wake. She will be in the funeral car anyway, and you won’t be missed (if there is an internment then so much the better).

Then return for the wake.

Obviously, as the thing is big, let her know that you are going to make a detour on the way to the wake to pick up the item, and that you will see her there, and will drive her home when she is ready to go. She doesn’t need to know how long the errand will take, and you are unlikely to be missed.

(If it’s a very small funeral this might not work, as you would be missed. In this case, I would do it as a detour on the way home.)

category12 · 07/11/2023 17:05

Honestly, she'd probably really benefit from and appreciate extra time with her mum on her own before the funeral, and may not be asking for that because she doesn't want to put you out more.

I would suggest it to her - say "why don't I drop you to your mum's at x o'clock so you get some time with her on your own/with close family" - then you fit in the errand before the funeral.

thirdfiddle · 07/11/2023 17:09

I think you're doing a kind thing driving your friend and doubtless providing support on the journey. It doesn't sound like you're her key support for the event itself, more a random extra paying respects apart from the lifts part.

Just thinking of the funerals I've been to, the wake started with lots of people, but many drifted away after paying their respects to the family. On the basis you didn't even expect to stay for the whole of the wake part, I think you'd be very sensible to duck out for a bit and give her time with her family and without having to worry about whether she's keeping you too long.

If you can leave exact time a bit open with the seller, it would let you pick a moment where it's becoming more 'family only' to drift off. I would mention to friend first and check she doesn't have any specific time she needs to be back. And that she doesn't feel she needs you to lean on if that's at all a possibility, but sounds like you think not.

Caroparo52 · 07/11/2023 17:11

You are over thinking.
it's okay to collect item.
Your friend will be grateful sureky you are driving her and she can relax as a passenger.
You can nip out and collect thingamebobby during the wake. Just say you have an errand and will be back at x o clock to drive her home. Don't do any guilt. 5 hour round trip is huge time and petrol...and it's lucky the two marry up

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 07/11/2023 17:18

I'd nip out during the wake.

AbbeyGailsParty · 07/11/2023 17:19

Pick it up before the funeral?

LaurieStrode · 07/11/2023 17:19

Especially if you aren't driving her from the crem to the wake, just go then to pick up your item. If you show a little late at the wake, she is unlikely to notice. Everything will be a blur anyway.

Saving yourself five hours of driving is not selfish or gauche.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/11/2023 17:23

I would take her to her mums early, go get the thingummyjig and then go to the crematorium for the funeral.

viques · 07/11/2023 17:24

ElleCapitaine · 07/11/2023 14:38

Hang on - YOU are the driver. Why on earth are you hanging around for hours when you don’t want to? Tell your friend you’re leaving at 4pm because you have to pick up a floofenhoogen for your shooflehorn on the way back and you don’t want to be getting back late. That way she has the choice of getting the train if wants to stay later and can plan in advance.

That’s a bit harsh when the friend has just buried her dad.

viques · 07/11/2023 17:31

Your update makes it easier. After the service go and sort out your purchase then go on to the wake. Just explain to your friend that you will be there a bit later, but that you will definitely turn up.

One thing I would do if you are not familiar with the friends home town is to make sure you know where the service will be held ( get a post code) and also exactly where the wake will be if it isn’t at the friends home. Last thing you need to be doing is frantically trying to track down a vague destination in an unfamiliar town.

Imagwine · 07/11/2023 17:32

Just have a conversation.

“I’m going to have to pick up a flooglehorn. Would you prefer I pick it up towards the end of the wake and leave you with your relatives or would you prefer me to pick it up with you on the way home?” That gives her some control over the situation.

slowcookspagbol · 07/11/2023 17:37

Easiest plan is to take her to her family home several hours earlier to spend time with her love ones and collect it before the funeral