To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

[parkingsadness]

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

How big is the instrument if the part is so bulky and noticeable?

Can't you just nip out and get in during the wake and when you drive home see if she asks and then explain? She may not care / notice / have the energy to ask what the big thing is in the backseat? (can it not go in the boot?)

Where is your DH going to be during the funeral?

She surely won’t have to budge up for the part as of course you’ll put her in the front rather than him.

Don't ask "do you mind" just let her know what is happening.

And if you want to leave early to collect it then go back and collect her that's fine too.

Why on earth are you hanging around for hours when you don’t want to?

Because she’s a kind, supportive friend who doesn’t want her friend to have to cope with a long train journey alone after her dad’s funeral.

Seriously? She’s offered her bereaved friend a lift to and from her father’s funeral. Are you suggesting she now goes back on that and tells her to get a train home?! Ffs, speechless!

Op I’d just pop out during the wake. Your friend won’t mind.

During the wake. If you wouldn’t otherwise stay for the whole event, it makes sense for you to step out, run your errand, and return to pick up your friend.

I would just explain to friend in advance what is happening.

I would mention to friend that you will be doing it in advance.

100% this

Ps - tell her in advance means today or tomorrow. Don't wait till Thursday or Friday to tell her, she won't be in the right frame of mind. You can remind her on the way.

Text or face to face?

Face to face, then you can read her feelings, not just her words.

I would do it another day tbh.

Do you find it hard to make basic decisions?

Best to stop faffing and just collect the part on the way, not during.

Don't take your friend to the eBay collection. Nip out during the wake. Cover it in a sheet/blanket of it won't fit in the boot.

Send her a message. "I'll be at your house at 8am to drive to Winchester. Just to let you know, I will be collecting a harp from Southampton on the way back, and it will be in the back seat. I will pick it up around 5pm then should be back at the wake around 6pm to drive back home to Kent with you.

I think you’re overthinking this hugely, it wouldn’t even occur to me to worry about this and I am a huge worrier. Either popping out or stopping on the way back is fine, you’re doing your friend a favour.

On the way there (or before the day of the funeral), tell your friend you'll be going to the wake, staying for a bit to pay your respects, going to collect the part, then returning.
Better phrased, obvs, but she'll know in advance what's happening.
As PPs have said, won't feel under pressure to not stay for long - her family are there, she doesn't need you constantly by her side for support.

Pop out during the wake - she won't mind. I wouldn't bother explaining first ... that's just detail she doesn't need right now.

Good grief. Drop her off at the wake, get the thingamejig and come back for her. No need for any angst.

Dont make a second journey. Waste of time and emissions. Tell her you know it is not the best timing, but you have to do this errand. Then do it.

I’m presuming there will be other people she knows at the wake? If so I think it should be fine although I would want to let her know first.

Who knows what friend will think on the day. I'd opt for a conversation along the lines of

Friend, just so as you know, I'd arrange to pick up a musical foof I've needed for ages and one's popped up in the UK that's very near to (wake location). I'm going to pop out to get it, this will give you an extra hour or so with your nearest and dearest without me playing hanger-on, and then I'll come back and get you. Hope that's OK. However if it's all too much and you want to get out, then just say, it'll be fine to tag along with me.

Definitely pick it up. It will be a welcome distraction for you both.

Why? The op is already doing a 2.5hour trip AND taking her friend to her own fathers wake. I find it odd that the friend won't be staying behind with the rest of the family so op should not be feeling odd for leaving and getting the thing and coming back to drop off friend .

Id go out during. Your friend will probably not notice and it's not as if you'll be long.

"Floofenhoogen"
Thought for a minute you knew the instrument....

@parkingsadness OK that is different then. Either ask her direct and see if she minds (she may not) or ask your DH to pick it up if he isn't going to the funeral. Or pay for collection and delivery.

For me I would probably do one of the latter two options as emotions will be high on the day.