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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

224 replies

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:26

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

OP posts:
Immasucker · 07/11/2023 17:38

Just say, 'by the way, I have to pick something up when I'm up there. Don't worry, it won't take long.'

ManateeFair · 07/11/2023 17:39

ElleCapitaine · 07/11/2023 14:38

Hang on - YOU are the driver. Why on earth are you hanging around for hours when you don’t want to? Tell your friend you’re leaving at 4pm because you have to pick up a floofenhoogen for your shooflehorn on the way back and you don’t want to be getting back late. That way she has the choice of getting the train if wants to stay later and can plan in advance.

I would usually agree, but I don't think I'd leave a friend to get the train home from her own dad's funeral. I'm pretty sure I'd be in no fit state to get on public transport immediately after burying my dad and I wouldn't want a friend to have to do that either.

Obviously it would be different if the friend wasn't the immediate family of the deceased.

BatteredScallops · 07/11/2023 17:41

TrailingFig · 07/11/2023 14:34

Ask your friend if she would prefer you stop in the way back or if you nip out for an hour.

yes agree. You are already accommodating your friend and are extremely sensitive to her grief. But you have an errand. One that is important to you as well.

Jewelspun · 07/11/2023 17:42

You're giving her a much needed lift, of course you can stop off and collect it on the way back or nip out during the wake.

Passepartoute · 07/11/2023 17:45

If a friend of mine was going to drive me on a 2.5 hour journey to my father's funeral, I would be very happy for her to run this minor errand as part of the journey. Your friend will have support during the funeral and wake from her family. Assuming she is going from the funeral to the wake in one of the funeral cars, then it makes sense to do your collection at that point and just slip into the wake slightly late.

Fionaville · 07/11/2023 17:45

I would definitely collect it on the day of the funeral. No question. There's absolutely nothing inappropriate about doing that. If I was your friend I would just be grateful that you'd come to the wake and that you'd given me a lift. Picking something up and saving yourself all that petrol and time is a no brainer.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 07/11/2023 17:46

Life doesn't stop because someone has died. Just tell your friend that you need to collect the item and ask if she would order you to nip out of the wake or go on your way home. It's really no big deal.

Simplelobsterhat · 07/11/2023 17:53

Please don't do what some have suggested and just nip out without talking to her about it, if be very stressed if I suddenly realised the person giving me a lift home had left altogether without saying anything!

But I don't think nipping out is necessarily an issue. I certainly don't think you can compare it to a wedding as in my experience wakes have much less structure and are more optional than wedding receptions. The last few funerals I've been to not everyone has come to the wake at all and those who do stay very varying amounts of time and there aren't usually speeches or anything you might 'miss'. The only reason not to nip out is if she has a difficult relationship with her family and might be leaning on you for support with that.

But yes, do think about if you could do it after you drop her at her mum's in the morning as she presumably wants to be there with plenty of time to spare, so you'll likely be hanging around a bit anyway.

And although I see they are, not all British funerals use cars - for all the funerals on DHs side I've have been to, and a couple on my side, there have been no official funeral cars and the chief mourners met the hearse there, so ignore the posters assuming all funerals are the same.

scrunchie2 · 07/11/2023 18:00

Assuming she'll be going with family to the wake, I'd go straight from the service/burial and then head to the wake after- by the time she's got there you won't have been missing that long

scrunchie2 · 07/11/2023 18:01

Forgot to add, make sure just to mention that you'll be a few mins for the wake

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 07/11/2023 18:01

If she is using a funeral car to get from ceremony to wake that's easy.

Get away from the funeral promptly rather than hanging around admiring the floral tributes and do the collection before arriving at the wake.

It is really awkward to arrive early at a wake and the first bit is where she will be greeting people so she won't notice if you are a bit late.

If there is a separate interment then you could skip that as it is normally close family only.

Clarinet1 · 07/11/2023 18:11

I vote for asking your friend when she would prefer you to do the collection. Personally I would prefer not on the way to the funeral (might be stressed about being late) and not on the way home (after a long, tiring day she may just want to get home as quickly as possible). If you go between the funeral and the wake people will probably drift in at slightly different times anyway so perhaps no one will think you’re particularly late. However your friend may have other thoughts.
I also think seeing whether the seller will meet you at the venue for the wake might be a good idea and, as a PP said, don’t just disappear from the wake without saying anything and leave her wondering how she’s getting home.
As a fellow musician, though, I hope you get your part!

FarmGirl78 · 07/11/2023 18:15

I think once you're there and the funeral formal bit is over and everyone is eating ham rolls and slices of fruit cake and chatting it will feel a lot more low key, and the thought of a musical instrument detour on the way home won't feel so awkward.

I know for a fact that in your shoes me and my friends would be laughing about it, and forever I'd get teased about "Remember that day we had to squeeze a trombone into the car on the way back from that funeral?".

Honestly, on the day you won't feel bad about it. You're doing your friend a favour and she'll couldn't go without you, so sitting on a concertina squeezebox (or whatever) on the way back is a small price to pay.

You'd be ridiculous to do a 5 hour journey at the weekend instead.

FarmGirl78 · 07/11/2023 18:20

Oh ok. That'll teach me to read all the OP updates before I reply.

Daughter of deceased. That changes things a little then. Could you leave her to spend time with family after the wake, at family house or wherever, and nip off for the Flugelhorn and then go back for her before you start your journey home? She might like a little time after everyone has gone to wind down with her family and decompress before setting off.

spidermonkeys · 07/11/2023 18:40

ElleCapitaine · 07/11/2023 14:38

Hang on - YOU are the driver. Why on earth are you hanging around for hours when you don’t want to? Tell your friend you’re leaving at 4pm because you have to pick up a floofenhoogen for your shooflehorn on the way back and you don’t want to be getting back late. That way she has the choice of getting the train if wants to stay later and can plan in advance.

No one Would be that awful to a friend in real life

DaisysChains · 07/11/2023 19:11

Ah that’s made a difference then to what I would do@parkingsadness

If she is going with family from crematorium to wake (so you are in car by yourself at that time) I’d go between the funeral & the wake.

The whole family will be busy checking things, thanking people, talking, getting tea etc & so you taking a bit longer to get from funeral to wake would be less likely to be missed.

I may sound like a monster to some but siblings & I went for food between a funeral & wake.

We were all the same relationship to deceased so no awkwardness amongst us about the detour.

We all knew once at wake we’d be talking to people & not have time to eat & no-one even noticed much less commented at us taking longer to arrive.

It’s a natural ‘break’ between each event & even an hour wouldn’t be much missed amongst the family gathering themselves to ‘host’ arrivals, greetings, tea getting & chat etc.

Only if it was a very small gathering might it be noticed, or if your friend specifically looked for you to be by her side (unlikely if she’s surrounded by family but you know her/your relationship best as to if she would be eg looking to you rather than family when distressed)

And even if she noticed doodah on backseat later I doubt she’d be questioning you much about it, or mind overmuch after the fact.

PurpleBugz · 07/11/2023 20:45

Explain and nip out during the wake.

I wouldn't take her with you after as she may be upset and just need to get home.

Original poster
parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 20:50

Thank you for all the advice.
I was meeting her for a walk and the subject of my instrument came up (she saw it out for the first time in the front room and asked if I'd been able to play it yet)
Funny story I said. Finally tracked down the missing part - not in America but in random midlands town.
She pointed out it was right near her family home.
I hesitantly said I was wondering about getting it on Friday either after the funeral or nipping out in the wake.
She said that sounded brilliant and suggested the wake. Said she might come with me as she thought she might need a break from her family!

She also admitted her car was fixed but she felt too shakey to drive long distances and worried about driving back upset and hoped I was still ok with the lift. I said of course I was.

We hugged and she's still my best friend in the world.

I did overthink but better to be too cautious and not hurt people I think.

Thanks everybody

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 07/11/2023 20:54

i’d nip out during the wake, I’m sure she’s going to be fine with that

SwingTheMonkey · 07/11/2023 20:59

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 20:50

Thank you for all the advice.
I was meeting her for a walk and the subject of my instrument came up (she saw it out for the first time in the front room and asked if I'd been able to play it yet)
Funny story I said. Finally tracked down the missing part - not in America but in random midlands town.
She pointed out it was right near her family home.
I hesitantly said I was wondering about getting it on Friday either after the funeral or nipping out in the wake.
She said that sounded brilliant and suggested the wake. Said she might come with me as she thought she might need a break from her family!

She also admitted her car was fixed but she felt too shakey to drive long distances and worried about driving back upset and hoped I was still ok with the lift. I said of course I was.

We hugged and she's still my best friend in the world.

I did overthink but better to be too cautious and not hurt people I think.

Thanks everybody

Ahh, lovely update. Hope the funeral goes as well as it can do.

NorthStarRising · 07/11/2023 21:01

What a lovely resolution, and proof that friendship is both flexible and constant. 🙂

WannaLiveInABubble · 07/11/2023 21:03

Of course you can!

WannaLiveInABubble · 07/11/2023 21:03

Sorry didnt see update

Fraiches · 07/11/2023 21:05

At someone who's not long buried a parent.

Just ask your friend what her preference is. If she'd rather you nip out and go back for her. Or if she'd rather the car journey together.

She might be grateful for the quite time in the car and a distraction at the end of the day. X

Cascais · 07/11/2023 21:07

I would go on the way home with your friend