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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

224 replies

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:26

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

OP posts:
WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 15:59

Sirzy · 07/11/2023 15:51

going during the wake also gives her a chance to spend time with her family without the OP being sat there awkwardly.

How is being at your friends dads wake 'awkward'?

Holly60 · 07/11/2023 16:00

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:33

Talking to her sounds easy and under normal circumstances would be easy but she's so distraught it's hard to find the right time.
Text or face to face?

Text her and ask her, I'd say.

You could explain that you understand it's sensitive and so you thought you'd see how she feels about it

CandleWick4 · 07/11/2023 16:01

Maybe slightly off topic but why are you taking her? If it’s her dads funeral would she not be going in the funeral cars?

on topic - pop out during the wake. I’ve had to do it before for picking kids up, dropping at their Nans and then heading back. Friend I just need to run a quick errand - I’ll be back in an hour. She’ll be with her family so I’m sure she’ll be ok without you for an hour

babyproblems · 07/11/2023 16:02

I would also step out during the wake.
i totally understand why you feel uncomfortable; if I were you I would probably go with a huge box in my car and then put the part in the box so friend doesn’t notice! I don’t think I would say anything. If they asked id say it was something of DH’s.
Only you know your friend. Id do whatever I felt would cause the least possible upset. X

Itsnotchristmasyet · 07/11/2023 16:03

I wouldn’t have an issue with this if I was your friend.

I would think about about whether you’d want to get it on the way home or during the wake though.

I don’t know how long wakes go on for but it might be an nice excuse for you to go to the wake for 20mins and then leave for an hour and then come back and pick her up.

I would have a think and then text her to say that you’re just letting her know that you’ve already committed to collecting something on the way back/during the wake and you hope that’s ok.

If she says it’s not ok then you’ll have to tell her that you can’t bring her back then.
But I can’t imagine why she would.

SparkyBlue · 07/11/2023 16:06

You are definitely overthinking this. Pop out for a bit during the day and your friend will be chatting with friends and family anyway so won't need you by her side all day. You sound like a lovely thoughtful friend.

BarneyAteMyHomework · 07/11/2023 16:07

WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 15:50

Would the people advocating leaving the wake feel ok about leaving a wedding to collect a parcel?

Yes, not during the ceremony or speeches (obviously), but in one of the bits where people are just hanging around, why not?

I don’t understand people who think popping out for a bit is a big deal. I’d just be grateful that my friend was there for most of the day to support me. But then I’ve always been quite pragmatic about this kind of thing.

WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 16:08

No way are you serious @BarneyAteMyHomework

With friends like you...

Lavender14 · 07/11/2023 16:09

I would ask her in advance if she'd mind if you brought her to the wake and then called to do this at some point and then came back to stay to the end for her. I would say if she feels she would prefer you stay the entire time for support then you completely understand and will arrange something else. I imagine she would be OK with it since you're driving her etc.

BarneyAteMyHomework · 07/11/2023 16:10

Yes, I’m serious.

Why wouldn’t I be?

I lost my father earlier this year. Someone popping out to do an errand wouldn’t have even registered as an issue - I had bigger things to worry about, and life goes on.

Original poster
parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 16:11

DaisysChains · 07/11/2023 15:56

As she is a principal mourner my feeling is you are not just ‘giving a lift’ you are taking her which is a different thing - and weird as mostly mourners tend to gather/travel in similar grief groupings so that those most devastated are supporting each other & not some random ‘friend’ who had only a passing acquaintance (for example)

In your OP you intended turning up to show support & leave - now you are essentially your friend’s support for the whole thing.

Is there no-one closer (sibling, cousin etc) that would be a more appropriate person for your friend to go with?

I actually can’t imagine asking any friend who hadn’t been as close as family (to parent in question) for a lift to either of my parent’s funerals. It just wouldn’t feel appropriate.

Giving a friend a lift = no probs collecting doodah

Chauffeuring a principal mourner = something else entirely & a task in itself so not appropriate to collect doodah?

I think the latter but as said above, it would be incredibly unusual in my neck of the woods for a principal mourner not to be travelling with other principals/very close family/friends or on their own so it wouldn’t be an issue.

similar level of grief implies an equal level of intimacy (ie I could ask a sibling if they minded xyz if we had both lost a parent, or a random friend if I was just random friend too)

It’s the mismatch in relative closeness to the deceased that makes your dilemma, not necessarily the detour (or not) in itself.

There's some confusion about this. My fault for not being clear- funeral traditions are new to me. We live 2.5 hours away from her home town. I'm running her to her mums house where she's meeting the other family members and getting the funeral car. I'm going to drop her off, get myself to the crematorium and then to the wake then drive her home from the wake.

OP posts:
ditalini · 07/11/2023 16:11

WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 15:50

Would the people advocating leaving the wake feel ok about leaving a wedding to collect a parcel?

Would you nip out of the wedding reception where you're there to express your good wishes and are a peripheral member of the group, but rather than just stay for an hour which is what you'd planned, you're staying in order to give someone closer to the wedding party a lift home?

Of course you would! Would anyone notice or care? No they wouldn't.

Op, you're doing a kindness for a friend. Popping out after a reasonable time after giving your respects to your friend's family, sharing any memories of her dad that you have, drinking a cup of tea, and then coming back to help clear up/pick up friend is completely reasonable and appropriate.

StripyHorse · 07/11/2023 16:11

My friends that came to my dad's funeral earlier this year didn't stay long at the wake. I really appreciated them coming - they didn't stay very long at the wake and I wouldn't have expected them to.

If I had needed a lift from one of them, I wouldn't have minded them popping out to pick something up before coming and getting me.

And to PP - not everyone has funeral cars, we chose not to. We would have felt too 'on show'. It's a personal decision and there is no right or wrong.

diddl · 07/11/2023 16:12

I’d just be grateful that my friend was there for most of the day to support me.

And this this case-actually getting her to her father's funeral!

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 07/11/2023 16:14

Could you drop her off early at her mother's and pick it up before the funeral? If not, I'd say pop out during the wake, but do give her a heads up beforehand

Insuranceheadache · 07/11/2023 16:16

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 16:11

There's some confusion about this. My fault for not being clear- funeral traditions are new to me. We live 2.5 hours away from her home town. I'm running her to her mums house where she's meeting the other family members and getting the funeral car. I'm going to drop her off, get myself to the crematorium and then to the wake then drive her home from the wake.

Show quote history

In that case can you go between the funeral and the wake?

cardibach · 07/11/2023 16:18

WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 15:36

Of course she's not going to follow her about 🙄 @SwingTheMonkey

Would you nip out of a wedding reception to collect a parcel? Of course not. So don't do it at a funeral either. Either be there for people or don't. But to 'be there' means to actually literally physically be there.

Not during the sit down meal I wouldn’t, no. But the milling around while waiting for photos? The evening do? Maybe, depending on the thing being collected and the distances involved.

boong121 · 07/11/2023 16:19

Does she not know how far you live, are there no relatives/friends or even taxi that she can take home when she is finished there? It would not make sense for you to stick around during the whole day, what can you talk about with family and friends of his I imagine you didnt know him.

Most people would have sent flowers and card to the friend with condolences drivng 2.5hrs there anc then 2.5hrs back is pretty long drive.

FinallyPregnant23 · 07/11/2023 16:21

I agree with most of everyone else - I think it would be fine to pop out during the wake to pick it up. No need for a seperate trip. I would just mention it to her on the day - that youre going to pop out for 20 minutes but will be back to take her home. You sound like a lovely friend.

exerciseviligance · 07/11/2023 16:23

Tbh I would just ask your friend what she would prefer.

"Hi friend, I have an item I have to pick up same day as the funeral as we are in the area. Would you prefer me to pop out for it or we can stop and collect on way home?"

Your DH is right, you're doing her a favour so funeral or not, she's going to have to go with the flow.

Anonymouseposter · 07/11/2023 16:25

I have lost both my parents. It would not have caused me additional upset if a friend who had kindly given me a lift did a detour on the way home to pick up an item she needed. I wouldn’t have minded at all. Whether I would leave the wake and return to pick her up would depend how much other support she had and whether I thought I would be missed.

Repurpose · 07/11/2023 16:26

It would not bother me at all if a friend did this. However, it is, of course good to be cautious. Even if you can easily accommodate it in the day. It might be a bit strange having this large instrument sitting in the car.

It does make sense for you to pick it up at the same time. However, what would you do if there was no funeral happening?

if you would be making a trip there anyway, maybe see it as nothing ‘lost’ if you have to do a separate trip to collect it.

Hopelesslydevotedtoshrews · 07/11/2023 16:27

Honestly I would explain to your friend, you may well find that once she's there she might want to stay overnight with her family anyway.

billy1966 · 07/11/2023 16:27

Hollyhead · 07/11/2023 15:39

@TerrorAustralis whereas I am astounded at the self centred nature of people. No matter how bereaved I would always want my friends to save themselves a 5 hour trip. Not to mention the carbon cost. Dealt with appropriately it’s not insensitive.

Completely agree with you.

Her father has died and the OP is being a good friend to her.

No way would I be doing an extra 5 hour drive, having arranged childcare and then futher missing my childs fixture at the weekend.

Thanks be to god I don't have friends who wouldn't get this too.

Differentstarts · 07/11/2023 16:30

I'd do a separate journey. There's a time and a place to do things and the day of her fathers funeral ain't it

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