To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

[parkingsadness]

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

Is there any possibility of picking it up before the wake? I know your friend would still be in the car but if you are worried about being insensitive, you could explain and drop her off a bit early and pop and get it so you don't have to take time out of the wake or time with her to get it?

It depends I suppose. I lost my dad at 27 but he was very old to be my dad and had a chronic progressively worsening illness, so while I was devastated by his loss and his funeral was horrible, it wasn't so earth shatteringly unexpected that I was completely knocked sideways if that makes sense?

You do know that the friend is the one who's dad has just died right? OP has agreed to drive her friend to her dad's funeral. These aren't two friends going to a 3rd friend's dad's funeral.

Normally no. I'm famously (infamously?) forceful. However she's such a good friend and so utterly distraught and I'm very aware I'm not known for my sensitivity and I'm also not English and she is and I've not been to an event like this before and I've just worried myself.

Because @Chipsahoyagain being there for your friend means literally being there for your friend. Not popping out to do errands in the hour after she's buried her dad.

It might be me being ultra sensitive but I would not say anything along the lines of "not wanting to be back late".

It sounds really insensitive to me considering this is a close friend's dad's funeral.

Tell her you will be doing a slight detour to pick up your item. If she objects she can make other arrangements

The friend won’t even notice, she’ll be surrounded by people.

Is this how real people treat their real life friends?

How do people function in society when they are this awful and insensitive?

Honestly, I think you are overthinking this a bit. I would explain to her that you will need to nip out for a bit and pick up the item. I assume you will be in the back seat or boot of car. You can always bring a blanket etc to cover it. To be honest I am sure that she will have more to think about than what is on your backseat.

How early is the funeral can you get the instrument before it starts ?

I wouldn't even have noticed if you left for an hour or two during my parents' wakes, and certainly would not have cared.

You are doing her a huge favour to begin with. Giving someone a lift to and from her parent's wake is quite a bit different than giving an ordinary lift. It's a huge extra mental strain on you. You shouldn't have to give up yet more time on your weekend.

NOT by text!
Phone her up - why are people so scared to talk to other people these days 🤷‍♀️
Either nip out during the wake and pick it up or just say to her that you need to pick it up on your way home.
I’m pretty sure if she’s a good friend then she won’t mind at all.

What Ariela said:
“Friend, just so as you know, I'd arrange to pick up a musical foof I've needed for ages and one's popped up in the UK that's very near to (wake location). I'm going to pop out to get it, this will give you an extra hour or so with your nearest and dearest without me playing hanger-on, and then I'll come back and get you. Hope that's OK. However if it's all too much and you want to get out, then just say, it'll be fine to tag along with me.”
Perfect.

I disagree @BIossomtoes I would be pretty hurt if my friend couldn't attend my dad's wake because she had a parcel to collect.

It's a one-off event at which this friend needs extra support. I know it's a hassle for the OP but that's life isn't it.

You're right- supporting a bereaved friend is a big deal. That's why the OP should set aside the day to do it and not fit in an errand.

But she is going to attend the wake? But instead of having a cuppa and a chat and then leaving, as she would have done if she weren’t driving her friend, she can pop out briefly and return to collect her friend once she’s finished talking to other friends and family.

Do you really think op needs to be glued to her side for the entire wake? That would get on my nerves if I were op’s friend.

I’m very surprised by the majority of the responses. Some of the insensitivity is quite astonishing.

No way would I try to fit in this errand on the same day I was taking a friend to their parent’s funeral and wake.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to collect it but I would do it on the way home, don’t burden your friend with information about it other than let her know that on the way home you’ll need to call in at x to collect something. Apologise, but I think only very self centred people would care and they don’t make very good friends anyway.

Could you sneak off while the family go to the burial? It's usually just family who go to the cemetery and everything everyone else meets them at the wake.

I agree with this - I’d maybe just say to her during the wake that you need to step out for a short time but you’ll be back by Xpm. I wouldn’t make it into a big deal - I doubt she will notice you have gone and she will appreciate the support you are already giving her xx

Either go before your pick your friend up (ensure you have time so not to be late) or perhaps get an air bnb with what you’d have spent on fuel (not to mention your time) for the night and pick up the next day

And by ‘agree with this’ I mean those who are saying don’t ask or burden your friend with this info beforehand, just do it.

Of course she's not going to follow her about 🙄 @SwingTheMonkey

Would you nip out of a wedding reception to collect a parcel? Of course not. So don't do it at a funeral either. Either be there for people or don't. But to 'be there' means to actually literally physically be there.

Would you really say this to someone who is grieving and has just buried their Dad? Really?