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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick something up on my way home from a funeral

224 replies

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 14:26

I'm tying myself up in knots here. My friend's dad died recently. Funeral
Is Friday. It's a 2.5 hour from where we live. I know my friend's family as we've been friends for years so I'm going to pay my respects and support my friend.

Recently friend's car conked out and she asked if she could have a lift. This is a little difficult as she's obviously planning on staying for the whole wake and I was hoping to just have a couple of cups of tea and then leave, but naturally I said yes and arranged childcare for after school.

I have a very niche musical instrument from the 1970s. There are very few left. I've been looking for a replacement part for 2 years. Closest so far is in America and they won't ship it internationally as it's a bit bulky and very fragile. Anyway an alert popped up this morning FOR THE EXACT PART. At a location 25 mins from the funeral. I've obviously bought it already (not risking not getting it!) but need to collect it.

DH says I should pick it up on my way home from the funeral. I don't think I can as I'll have my friend in the car... "Sorry you're so sad. Just budge up a bit and help me lift this in". I just don't think it's appropriate. DH says I'm already giving her a lift and staying hours longer than needed and if I wasn't driving her it wouldn't be an issue so this shouldn't be a problem.

Another option is nipping out for an hour during the wake- this seems a bit rude plus friend will notice I have it once she's in my very small car so I'd have to explain to her before hand.

I think I should suck it up and just collect it at the weekend. This is another 5+ hours of driving though, to a place I was only just at! I'd also miss a relatively important sports fixture for my son.

AIBU to go at the weekend making 2 journeys?

OP posts:
WeighDownOnMe · 07/11/2023 21:24

parkingsadness · 07/11/2023 20:50

Thank you for all the advice.
I was meeting her for a walk and the subject of my instrument came up (she saw it out for the first time in the front room and asked if I'd been able to play it yet)
Funny story I said. Finally tracked down the missing part - not in America but in random midlands town.
She pointed out it was right near her family home.
I hesitantly said I was wondering about getting it on Friday either after the funeral or nipping out in the wake.
She said that sounded brilliant and suggested the wake. Said she might come with me as she thought she might need a break from her family!

She also admitted her car was fixed but she felt too shakey to drive long distances and worried about driving back upset and hoped I was still ok with the lift. I said of course I was.

We hugged and she's still my best friend in the world.

I did overthink but better to be too cautious and not hurt people I think.

Thanks everybody

Glad it worked out 🙂🙂

billy1966 · 07/11/2023 21:27

I am glad.

Hers is the normal response of a friend.

You sound like a great friend.

Safe journey.

DaisysChains · 07/11/2023 22:24

Best case scenario, really glad you were able to get a solution that works for you both.

CharlotteBog · 07/11/2023 22:37

I'm so glad everything is sorted out in advance, OP.
You sound like great friends.

amicissimma · 07/11/2023 22:44

I'm glad it's all sorted out, OP.

Unfortunately I have recently had quite a bit of funeral experience. They tend to be quite intense. I would have thought that spending a short while dealing with another issue in the middle would be good to get your mind set up for the drive home and calmly supporting your friend after the funeral.

Hippodogamus · 07/11/2023 22:50

Don’t be ridiculous just I’d nip out towards the end, explain why before the day of the funeral. I’m sure your friend won’t mind.

Wolvesart · 07/11/2023 22:56

Is there a window of opportunity between the funeral and the wake? Assuming she will travel in the funeral car to the wake.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 07/11/2023 23:17

You are overthinking this. It would be silly to make two trips when you will already be in the area. Just tell your friend and slip out during the wake.

Oh, I've just read your update! Glad it's sorted, and I was sure she wouldn't mind.

Clafoutie · 07/11/2023 23:31

I think it is very kind that you are feeling sensitive towards your friend’s feelings OP ( and I have to admit, your imaginary conversation made me smile a bit!). However, I don’t think you need to be concerned. As others have said, your friend may understand. It is not at all unreasonable to ask if you can just stop off to collect this.

thirdfiddle · 07/11/2023 23:50

You both sound like good friends to have. Glad it has worked out.

54isanopendoor · 08/11/2023 09:14

Haydenn · 07/11/2023 14:33

Tell your friend and ask would she mind if you pop out of the wake early and return to pick her up or would you rather stop on the way back.

This is most sensible.
Two journeys is silly (& you are doing her a favour after all)
but this shows her you are taking account of her feelings on her important day.
best of luck with it x

Thingamebobwotsit · 08/11/2023 10:55

@parkingsadness the best update today. You are now going to have to tell us what the instrument is!

Littlelucas · 08/11/2023 16:10

We hugged and she's still my best friend in the world.

Awww. You sound like a fab friend OP.

MrsWeasley · 08/11/2023 18:06

I think if you explain it to her, she’s clearly a good friend of yours, she won’t mind! I’m not sure why she would object you are basically asking her to sit in your car for a few minutes!

HappyHolidays22 · 08/11/2023 18:07

What a wonderful update @parkingsadness so pleased it worked out well.

Snowflakeslayer · 08/11/2023 18:20

Strange that friend whose Dad just died has no family or friends nearby to travel with? Close family are normally in the car behind on the way.

Wally1983 · 08/11/2023 18:28

Collect on way to funeral?

Passepartoute · 08/11/2023 18:30

Snowflakeslayer · 08/11/2023 18:20

Strange that friend whose Dad just died has no family or friends nearby to travel with? Close family are normally in the car behind on the way.

Not on a 2.5 hour drive. Read the OP's posts, she's dropping friend off at family's house where she will join the funeral car.

thirdfiddle · 08/11/2023 18:32

edit to remove duplicate to previous answer

JessicaBrassica · 08/11/2023 18:37

I went to my fil's funeral... And acquired a kayak on the way. Caused a lot of curiosity and laughs at the wake as it sat in mil's back garden. ” so this is how you're spending your widowhood .. have you always wanted to kayak but dh stopped you and now you're free to do what you like?" Etc etc.

She was unbothered and nobody seemed to think it strange.

Zerosleep · 08/11/2023 18:56

I would nip out during the wake personally.

Lollipop81 · 08/11/2023 18:59

Just pop out during the wake, you were going to leave after a few drinks anyway before offering the lift, so going missing for an hour isn’t going to hurt. No need to clear it with her her before th what, just mention on the day you need to pop somewhere to pick something up. Your making it a bigger deal than it need to be x

anon666 · 08/11/2023 19:17

I'd definitely pop out during the wake, two birds, one stone.

nopuppiesallowed · 08/11/2023 19:19

You sound like the sort of wonderful friend that everybody needs. God bless you for your sensitivity and kindness.

Snugglemonkey · 08/11/2023 19:56

I would just speak to friend and she if she prefers a nip out or a detour on the way back.