To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

[Yomuma]

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

Can you add the person doing the invites to the group chat? Or can only the person doing the chat add people?

This needs addressing pronto. I'd tell the person doing the inviting, and I'd mention in the group chat that you think numbers are limited and invited people had to give meal choices a while back etc.

🍿🍿

especially as the old friend was coming from abroad and they thought it would be a good surprise. I would love for surprise friends I barely get to see.
but OP has saved the day
only the +1s - who haven’t been invited yet have veto on list.

this is quite funny 🍿🍿

I would stand back and enjoy the drama when "The Uninvited" show up bag and baggage! Could really liven things up!

Oh I am invested now - OP if you don't keep us updated you'll never be forgiven!

I would speak to Phill/Phill's GF... a discreet 'i may have the wrong end of the stick but... Sophies invited five extra people some of whom are booking flights'...

Is it possible theres a more informal party at Phills after the meal, and thats where these people are attending?

Yep… I will bring popcorn and fluffy blankets 😂

You have involved yourself now so you have to go the whole way and let the girlfriend know. Otherwise, Sophie now has ammunition to say you were involved and did nothing.

Call her now before people book anything.

Meanwhile, I will see the rest of you there. Sophie said it's casual dress.

I would stay out of it.

Shame to waste such a gathering on a birthday, shall we make it a reunion instead? Sophie could order a banner, someone can put together a “remember when?” quiz. Pre-drinks at OP’s!

I’m thinking of wearing this forest green dress, or would it be too much do you think? Need shoes though..

Way too late now!

Is Sophie by any chance, friends with the man and not the girlfriend? It sounds like she might be trying to assert her ‘place’. Anyway, I’d tell the girlfriend.

Did you actually say you had to choose meals? Does she still think it’s a normal party with a buffet where a few extras won’t make that much difference!

My big birthday was a sit down meal with named table places over 10 tables at a barn type private venue.

There would not have been space for , nor food for 5 uninvited people who had not made my guest list. People would have looked like right dickheads turning up with food for a catered 3 course sit down do!

Of course someone should say something to Sophie or in the group chat about having received the invitation and something along the lines of what a nice selection of food choices there were on the official invitations etc if not wanting to address it directly.

The obvious thing to do now after having spoken to Sophie, is to send a message to his girlfriend telling her what Sophie has done. And then step back and let the party hosts sort this out. Don't start writing messages in the group to the non-invited guests. The OP is somebody's +1, it would be weird if she started sorted out the guest list.

Sophie said it's casual dress.

Ooh dear-she wants to make sure that the venue won't let you in!

Contact Phil's girlfriend. Send her Sophie's contact info and tell her what Sophie is up to.

Ball is in her court at that point.

So, an update.
I intercepted the friend about to book flights (for her and her daughter!) by saying i wasn't sure if it was a child friendly event so to hold off booking anything. So hopefully have bought myself some time.
You guys were right, Sophie said she doesn't think she needs to contact the organiser and changed the subject!! It was basically "oh well, hopefully she won't mind. Anyway..."
I don't even have Phil's GFs number (only met her once) I would have to get it from DHs phone...then message out of the blue. Will she think I'm crazy? Will it come across that I am the one trying to invite extras? Am I being a twat if I drop Sophie in it?

The only twat in this scenario is Sophie! You absolutely should get her number from your DH or ask Phil for it now - presumably you have his? I'd say it's pretty urgent now that you talk to her. Did you not say to Sophie that what she's done is rude and that it's not her place to invite people?

I'd tell Sophie that no, you are reasonably sure that she has seriously overstepped the mark and that the friends she has invited won't be allowed to attend the party as it is a formal event. That if she doesn't deal with this asap she may end up responsible for ruining a birthday party and causing a lot of expense and upset for others. Then I'd acreenshot the conversations and send to the girlfriend.

I think you need to tell Sophie to contact the GF directly to change the restaurant reservations! She does sound like a chaos demon!

Sophie is the twat.
Someone [you or GF] need to tell Sophie she is a twat - she can't just invite people to posh sit down meals like she's attending a house party at uni

She's either clueless &/or a twat

Is Sophie on glue

You do seem to be enjoying the drama of this OP, "have bought myself some time"- to do what? It's not your problem to solve.

It seems like the easiest solution is to contact Phil or his gf and just let them know what Sophie has done and leave it at that. Anything else is getting as overly involved as she is.

The fuck is wrong with Sophie?! What an idiot.

Definitely need to contact Phil or the GF! You will feel awful if they turn up uninvited.