To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

[Yomuma]

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

You or Dh contact Phil. It isn't a surprise so get in touch. He might be deligjted extras willing to fly in, if not chance to tell Sophie to backtrack.

OP doesn't sound like that to me – she sounds like a decent friend who wants to stop a mum and her kid shelling out for flights to an event they are not invited to. I'd be mortified to turn up to an event with my kid in tow only to find out the organiser had no sodding idea we were coming. I think OP is right to make it her problem because Sophie clearly doesn't give a shit.

Fair enough @Bookworm1111 but then why not just let Phil or Phil's gf know? At the end of the day it's their event, if someone else is randomly inviting other people it's between them.

Appreciate OP doesn't want people flying out unnecessarily (apologies if I was harsh OP) but it seems that by not informing Phil or his gf it's just dragging it out even more.

@Yomuma - As it isn't a secret from Phil and you know him better you could always contact him instead of the girlfriend, but I do think you need to act on this quickly. Sophie may have told the woman from abroad that of course it's a child friendly venue, for all you know!!

You need to tell Phil/Girlfriend just what you told us in your first post, but tailored for them! Along the lines of :

Hi Phil/Phil's GF - I'm Mr Yomuma's partner and looking forward to Phil's Birthday Bash, and I hope you don't mind me contacting you, but I am concerned that you aren't aware that 'Sophie' has invited ( name them or just put in a number) on a WhatsApp group to the bash and at least 1 person is saying they will book flights and accommodation so that they can attend

'Sophie' has given me the impression that she hasn't told you about these invitations, but thinks you will be OK with it - but I would be upset if it were me and then folk turn up unexpectedly, so just letting you know, in case it causes problems on the day

If you are aware, then my apologies for possibly overstepping here, but it's worrying me on your behalf 😕

No - they won't think you are a twat and YES - you need to tell them it is coming from Sophie and you are not a twat for 'dropping her in it'

Then just leave Phil and or his girlfriend to deal with it they way they want to

Sophie is the one who is in the wrong here. I'd contact Phil's girlfriend and tell her what you know and leave her to contact Sophie. I wonder what Sophie's motives are. Why would she think she can invite other guests?

You need to put the brakes on this one way or another. She's lobbed a bomb, and if the host knew you saw that and just watched it explode, you'll be caught in the fall out...
Get your DH to have a swift word with Phil and meanwhile just be more frank with the others.
'host hasn't endorsed this invitation being passed about so if check with organisers before booking anything on Sophie's say so folks'

I intercepted the friend about to book flights (for her and her daughter!) by saying i wasn't sure if it was a child friendly event so to hold off booking anything. So hopefully have bought myself some time

I think this was over stepping the mark. It's not your problem to resolve

You've spoken to Sophie. She's ignored you. Not sure you can do much more, unless your DH is able to raise it with Phil / his GF

I’d reply all and say “Yes we got our invitation from Phil’s gf a few weeks ago. Very sweet of her to plan this for him. I didn’t know she invited the whole crew. It must be costing a mint to have a catered meal for so many!”

Or similar

Have you not questioned Sophie as to how it is going to work out if you have all had to pre order food and therefore there isn’t any for the uninvited guests? That seems like the most glaring issue. Or is she assuming they’ll be fine to stand by and watch you eat?

Sophie needs to see someone, that is not normal behaviour.

Sophie is a bit of a CF isn’t she?

I would drop something on the chat along lines of “everyone got their invite and done menu choices, what are you having? Very organised of Phil & gf”

Or alternatively, JUST FUCKING TELL PHIL'S GIRLFRIEND THAT SOPHIE HAS INVITED HALF THE FUCKING WORLD TO THE FUCKING PARTY

This isn't the time for hints.

OP, Phil's girlfriend will not think you are mad and will not think that you are the one trying to invite extra guests.

Put yourself in her position. Imagine if you had organised an event, which included a sit-down meal, for your DH. And then suddenly a load of people you hadn't invited and your DH barely knew all turned up, having spent money on flights and accommodation, because Sophie had invited them.

Once you've murdered and dismembered Sophie, you then find out that actually loads of other people knew about this mad fuckery. But none of them had the courtesy to warn you. Instead, they just decided they would sit back and watch a nice event (that you'd put loads of time, money and effort into organising for your partner) descend into an awkward nightmare. How would you feel?! Because if you say nothing, THAT is the point where Phil's girlfriend (and Phil) are going to think you're mad.

Sophie needs telling bluntly - “Sophie - you MUST contact Phil’s girlfriend - it will cause massive upset and embarrassment if five uninvited guests turn up to a posh party! We have had to choose our meals from a menu, so there won’t be food for these guests, if they do turn up. You will embarrass them and upset both Phil and his girlfriend if you go ahead with this mad plan.

If you don’t contact these people at once at tell them they are not invited, I will have to tell Phil what you have done.

You are running the risk of spoiling his birthday, and you have to sort this out now!”

OP said she doesn't have the GF's number and originally her DH – who does have the number – said don't get involved. So she didn't, but posted on MN for advice. Things have escalated since then, so when her DH gets home tonight, OP is getting the number. It's all in her posts. No sure she deserves the flak she's getting. I'd be bloody thankful she stepped in to stop the mutual friend booking the flights if I was the GF.

JUST FUCKING TELL PHIL'S GIRLFRIEND THAT SOPHIE HAS INVITED HALF THE FUCKING WORLD TO THE FUCKING PARTY

It should be that easy shouldn't it?

"Oh did you know that Sophie has invited X.Y,Z?"

Op-why doesn't your husband think it worth mentioning?

Doesn't he think who Phil/his GF want to invite is as important as what Sophie wants?

I don't understand why you can't be more direct with Sophie, but since she's a CF and/or a dimwit I wouldn't feel bad messaging each of the uninvited guests.

"Hey, thought I'd just let you know that the party's not an open invite - it's a formal invitation-only dinner where invited guests have all had to pre-order food so I wouldn't be counting on anything unless you've received an invitation from Phil's GF directly, not passed on through Sophie."

Yeah it makes Sophie look like an idiot but, tbh, she is. You reap what you sow.

And then you need to get in touch with Phil's GF pronto!

Contact Phil and say you want to ask Sophie about something, can you have her number please? He asks what it's for, you can be vague and say 'oh it's something to do with a very important upcoming date', he will assume is about his birthday, which it is.

PHONE GF, don't text. Explain who you are and what has happened. Texting may lead to confusion. You really don't want to add more to it all. Say look, is none of my business, but I thought I'd warn you of a potential shit-storm heading your way. Or even better, get your DH to talk to GF and leave you the fuck out of it.

That not my understanding of the OP's updates @Bookworm1111 (can't see the definite plan to get the number when DH gets home tonight, just hand wringing about whether or not it would be weird to get the number off her DH's phone- which several posters have said won't be weird at all).

I just think if you're invested enough to make an MN post you could probably just take the bull by the horns and go directly to the event organisers which would resolve it much quicker than speaking to Sophie or messaging other guests directly.

@sweetpickle23 Which bit of her saying she doesn't have the GF's number yet aren't you getting?! God, are you this nit-picky in RL?

I don't think dropping it on the girlfriend to deal with is helpful, even if you use all caps and loads of f bombs. She's not on the whatsapp group, and probably doesn't have contact info for these people. What's she supposed to do, call Sophie and say "I heard that you said that everyone should come to the party" or some stupid shit? OP can just post in the chat and say something making it obvious.

I would be subtle because most of us prefer that to "WTF SOPHIE! IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING PARTY!" but that certainly works too, if OP is the loud obnoxious type.

Who does this Sophie think she is? :O

Sophie can't be trusted. She's already aware that these people were not invited. She's not going to undo it.

You said "when her DH gets home tonight, OP is getting the number. It's all in her posts" @Bookworm1111- was just pointing out I couldn't see this in her posts.

Anyway clearly we both disagree on the most direct way to handle this issue!

I would just put a message in the new WhatsApp group telling Sophie to check with GF before anyone books flights as you think she mentioned there was a limit on numbers.

I would be so angry if I got a phone call like this. What would you even do in her shoes? It's just going to create tons of drama and stress for the girlfriend. She has to call some woman she probably hardly knows and say she heard through the grapevine that she's invited extra people? Then what? Sophie is clearly nuts. She can't be trusted to contact the extra people and admit her mistake. So GF has to sit and wonder if extra people are going to appear or not?

Seriously, just tell them all that you received an invitation directly from the organizer and had to RSVP.