To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

[Yomuma]

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

Sophie is obviously nuts does she have her own agenda for wanting them there?

You did the right thing the only other thing is speak to Phil's wife

I also don’t think there has been any averting of a crisis. at all.

the GF needs to be contacted and warned out of courtesy and common decency.

I think the question could be put to the group chat : “where will you be eating - have you made a booking somewhere? - as we have a [private room] / [allocated table ] and have already made our menu choices for the sit down meal. I hear that XYZ papa johns express nearby is good”

OP now you've started this you have to finish it. You know for sure what Sophie's done so you have to tell the gf. What's the point in letting it all happen while you sit there having known about it, you won't have helped the situation one bit.

I really think you should get in touch with Phil's girlfriend. This is not going to be the party that Phil wanted. If I were her I'd withdraw Sophie's invitation pronto!

I don't think you can leave it there, i think you now need to let Phil's GF know that Sophie has invited extra people and that Clare may want to get in touch with Sophie directly to find out what's going on.

OP, how do you think Phil and his Gf will feel when this lands on them and at some point Sophie (mistress of Tact that she is not) let’s on that you were in the Chat in which all this was discussed?

You / your DH need to tell them. Now.

I still think you or your partner needs to contact Phil or his girlfriend asap. Why wouldn't you?

Sophie WTF are you thinking????

Does she have form for this? Who the hell does that?

For fun, drop into Sophie’s group chat that it’s fancy dress: tarts and vicars. Then sit back and enjoy.

I hope you were strong enough in your wording to Sophie @Yomuma or she might not take the hint! Did you actually point out to her that food has already been chosen and worded and it is meant to be quite a specific group of people and not open to anyone who wants to go?

I seriously would NOT leave it to Sophie, now you know she just decided to do things herself without checking. Speak to the Girlfriend, or say something on the other What's App Group

How clear was your text? 'Overstepped the mark' sounds like it's maybe not sunk in.

"Sophie what were you thinking? Girlfriend has organised this, it's a small group and everyone has picked their food. If 5 extra people turn up unannounced and un-catered for, Phil is going to feel terrible and they will ALL know they weren't invited. So awkward."

Oh I hate it when people do this. Happens all the time. Everyone agrees something and then someone else puts a spanner in the works. I tend to say now, I think we should just stick with the original plans.

Similar types are those that always want to be included in events but then can't make it until a Monday in June 2025. Bastards.

Because that could be viewed as manipulating them, and pressuring them to either invite out of politeness or be the bad guys and say No.

Sophie invited, Sophie needs to uninvite.

She said those people haven't actually been formally invited and she hoped she hadn't "overstepped the mark" but she thought they would like to come (?!)

There are actual murderers who are better human beings than Sophie

Good on you OP.

I love the description “chaos demon”. Very fitting!

Sophie invited, Sophie needs to uninvite.

So surely Phil/his GF need to know what is going on so that they can tell Sophie this?

*Because that could be viewed as manipulating them, and pressuring them to either invite out of politeness or be the bad guys and say No.

Sophie invited, Sophie needs to uninvite.*

But Phil and his girlfriend might be more than happy for the extra guests but they at least need to know about them to make that choice.

Why is Sophie trying to take over when she knows Phil's girlfriend is organising? Does Sophie have the hots for Phil and is trying to show Phil's girlfriend who is boss?

I think as you have contacted Sophie about it, a wishy washy 'hope the crisis is averted' isn't enough, you will have to spell it out to Sophie as awkward as that will be - before people start booing flights. Phil must be a really great guy to have people wanting to fly over for his birthday!!

If you don't inform the GF of this, you're as bad as Sophie IMO to allow this to continue...

Sophie is either nuts or has it in for the girlfriend. This whole thing is crazy.

Honestly, you haven't averted a crisis. You need to be firmer. Sophie won't check with Phil's GF. And when she and Phil find out that you knew and didn't step in, they'll be cross with you too.

God no, that’s just a way to make everybody feel shit. Just get in touch with the girlfriend and tell her what’s happened. If she wants to take it up with Sophie that’s her decision.

I can't understand why you haven't just asked Sophie why she is inviting extra guests and pointed out that it's going to be a massive problem. She needs to explain now, and if she doesn't you need to at least put a message on the chat saying that you think there has been a misunderstanding on Sophie's part and nobody should book flights or accommodation until Sophie has dealt with it. Any more questions from anyone, they need to ask Sophie.

There is some crazy advice on here. Yeah, put a message on the group chat saying that Sophie has f'd up and everyone needs to stand down until further instructions are incoming. Great - if you want everyone to hate you, that is.

You just need to check Phil's gf is aware of the situation, then quietly sit back happy in the knowledge that you're the only one in this group of 20 people or whatever that has shown the slightest bit of intelligence.

If they wanted these extra 5 they'd have invited them in the first place. There is a reason they weren't invited, either dynamics, cost, no longer see then as close friends.

I'd maybe think differently if it was a hall and buffet where people will mingle and an extra few wouldn't be noticed but it's not it's a £££ sit down meal.

Well, if Sophie wasn't a "known loon" then she is as of now. Well done, OP. I think you've done what you can now.