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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you’d feel if a friend was with a married man

215 replies

EalingLucy · 04/11/2023 23:21

I’ve got a friend who has recently been talking a lot to a married man (well actually for quite a few months, they met through a hobby group and have been exchanging daily messages for some time). I think she would probably let things go further if he wanted to, and it seems like he might soon.

I only found this out recently — she let slip in a kind of ‘isn’t this exciting’ way with a couple of friends - and one of the friends instantly showed shock / disapproval, whereas I felt that way inwardly but also didn’t want to assume anything as at that point it could have been innocent.

I’ve since realised it’s not innocent, in that she told me today they are flirting. It’s none of my business, but also she likes to talk about it. She said she felt comfy talking to me vs the other person as I’m less judgey / realise life isn’t simple, before I then said he should be concentrating on fixing his relationship with his wife if there is an issue etc and that he needs to put his kids and marriage first. I think her attitude was that she’s not morally in the wrong as it’s his choice, and she’s not responsible for the consequences.

I didn’t want to make her feel judged but I do think she probs slightly felt it. I understand relationships are complex, and she’s not too long out of a 13 year marriage, but is it really that common to have affairs?

I feel like it’s morally wrong to encourage it but also maybe people think this is holier than thou and I should just let her live her life without judgement? I don’t know.

shes a really kind, lovely person otherwise so I’m not going to judge her whole character on this. I think she’s quite lonely, but she is playing with fire. And it’s a shared hobby group I am a part of, so really don’t want this messing the dynamic.

in this situation, would you reserve judgement, secretly judge, or outright tell the person you think it’s not ok? Interested in others’ opinions.

OP posts:
Malarandras · 04/11/2023 23:25

I would tell her it’s her life so up to her to make her own decisions. I would also tell that I would rather not hear about that particular aspect of her life. Then I’d leave her to it as far as that issue is concerned.

Slipknotted · 04/11/2023 23:26

Honestly, if she’s telling you about it, texting has been going on chastely for months, and you haven’t noticed them behaving untowardly at the shared hobby, it sounds far more likely to be largely her fantasy, as someone not long out of a marriage. I wouldn’t overthink it.

Baconisdelicious · 04/11/2023 23:26

I'm biased cos ex had very long affair....I would not maintain a friendship with anyone knowingly embarking on an emotional or physical affair.

Namerequired · 04/11/2023 23:28

I would outright tell her she’s out of order. Some things you need to be judgey on, this is one.

vandctime · 04/11/2023 23:29

I would bin her

VintageTuppence · 04/11/2023 23:30

Silly girl. Just decide whether you will be there for her when it all turns to crap.

bozzabollix · 04/11/2023 23:30

I’ve seen the wreckage, fuck that for a game of soldiers. I’d be absolutely honest and say why I wouldn’t be entertaining listening to all that (or her full stop).

RedCoffeeCup · 04/11/2023 23:34

I would judge her for this and I wouldn't care if she realised. I'm not saying I'd end the friendship but I'd certainly think less of her.

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 23:35

Malarandras · 04/11/2023 23:25

I would tell her it’s her life so up to her to make her own decisions. I would also tell that I would rather not hear about that particular aspect of her life. Then I’d leave her to it as far as that issue is concerned.

Yes this

You don’t need to support her or make it a drama

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 04/11/2023 23:35

A friend of mine was once “the other woman“. I told her exactly what I thought. I still supported her when it obviously went wrong but I never held back.

Divebar2021 · 04/11/2023 23:38

My friend is having an affair and it doesn’t bother me.

jlpth · 04/11/2023 23:40

I’d pull back from her a bit. She seems a bit of a fuckwit if she can’t actually understand that she is doing something morally wrong. Yes he’s the married one, but come on - she owes a bit of humanity to other humans doesn’t she?

Asformending · 04/11/2023 23:46

I'd ask her why her self esteem is so low she feels the need to target a married man who is merely seeing her as available. I'd also infirm her you cannot be friends with her due to her appalling behaviour, as well as taking the MM in your friendship group aside and asking what the hell he is playing at and does his wife know.

Original poster
EalingLucy · 04/11/2023 23:47

jlpth · 04/11/2023 23:40

I’d pull back from her a bit. She seems a bit of a fuckwit if she can’t actually understand that she is doing something morally wrong. Yes he’s the married one, but come on - she owes a bit of humanity to other humans doesn’t she?

That’s the thing. I had another friend who I ended up cutting off for a variety of reasons, she was quite bitchy to me but also would go for any man whether he was attached or not, and did other questionable things which I felt were morally off.

The bitching about me felt like the final nail in the coffin but I remember feeling uncomfy about her behaviour with men (chasing after breadcrumbs from people with long term partners etc) and tbh I do think it was part of a larger picture of being quite selfish and insecure.

It’s made me wary of others that demonstrate that lack of respect for others relationships as I can safely say I’ve never been tempted to do that and I don’t think I would find someone who is attached attractive as they are by definition a bit of a dick if they’re flirting with me. So maybe I just have a different moral compass and we are not suited as friends

OP posts:
SpringViolet · 04/11/2023 23:55

Someone who is openly willing to contribute to causing pain and devastation to a complete stranger (and DC) is not someone I’d want around me at all and I certainly wouldn’t give them a safe space to talk about their dirty bit of fun.

I’d tell them that quite clearly and ignore them from then on. It speaks volumes of what kind of person they are, which is a horrible one distinctly lacking in empathy and liable to back stab, lie and betray.

<Disclaimer- never been cheated on but have seen 3 relatives/close friends affected and the fall out>.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2023 23:59

"I didn’t want to make her feel judged"
Why is that? I imagine it's a rather wooly not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable, but - she's not showing that consideration to you, is she? She wants someone to listen to her talk about her affair with a married man. Grow a spine and tell her you don't want to know the details of her tawdry affair.

"I think her attitude was that she’s not morally in the wrong as it’s his choice, and she’s not responsible for the consequences."
and
"shes a really kind, lovely person otherwise"
No, these two statements are not compatible and you know it. There is no 'otherwise', that's a real Curate's Egg attitude - a 'the arsenic was very nutritious otherwise' kind of a statement.

How about, 'she performs the role of a really kind, lovely person; until getting what she wants requires her to be a selfish git, then the mask slips and she shows you that actually, underneath the superficial appearance of a really kind lovely person there actually is a selfish git'?

"... it’s a shared hobby group I am a part of, so really don’t want this messing the dynamic."
And there we have it. This is about your comfort, not hers. Have a word with yourself, an honest word. It seems to me you didn't want to make her FEEL judged because she's self-absorbed enough to judge you in return.

Be honest with her too. It may be 'his choice', but they are jointly responsible for the consequences and she bloody well knows it! Then start giving her a wide berth, because this will all go tits up and you don't want to be sucked into this shitshow more than you are already.

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 04/11/2023 23:59

I wouldn't choose to be friendly with somebody who behaves in this way. There is no point remonstrating with her as there is just a lack of basic decency.

Dotcheck · 05/11/2023 00:04

Sometimes people make mistakes, and sometimes they’re morally bankrupt.

I’ve decided not to be friends with the latter.

Pokinganose · 05/11/2023 00:09

This opinion won't be liked by many on here but I'd be concerned that my friend is vulnerable right now having just come out of a 13 tear marriage and that she'd end up getting hurt.

JMSA · 05/11/2023 00:10

Baconisdelicious · 04/11/2023 23:26

I'm biased cos ex had very long affair....I would not maintain a friendship with anyone knowingly embarking on an emotional or physical affair.

Same here.

qazxc · 05/11/2023 00:10

I would point out that these things generally don't end well. Whilst she might find it exciting now. Why would she want to be with someone that can't give her a full relationship. Someone that is likely to be giving her the script " my wife doesn't understand me" to her ( and god know how many others). Someone that she won't be able to trust fully. The heartache it might cause if the affair is found out. Etc, etc,...
Best she find someone unattached to flirt with.

YourDiscoNeedsYou · 05/11/2023 00:10

As someone who had a friend having an affair with a married man, I’d definitely tell her. I’d tell her early on that he’s not going to leave his wife, that you’re going to be alone every special occasion, that they won’t be there for you when you need to tell someone about your crappy day - they can only call when the wife isn’t there. That you won’t go on holiday with them, won’t sleep in a bed with them, will always get the scraps, can’t be taken out or meet their family. And if you are the one in a million case and he leaves his family for you - then you’ve actually just won a booby prize because who wants a selfish, vain, cheating, cowardly man-child as a partner? It seems to me it’s miserable being the OW so I’d want to warn a friend and hope she listens.

Siameasy · 05/11/2023 00:11

I’d think that it will probably end in tears but experience says she won’t want to realise this until it’s too late.

Chromium24 · 05/11/2023 00:11

would it be better to guide and be supportive and influence the friends morals as best as possible ?

Sumthingsweet · 05/11/2023 00:12

Don’t judge don’t interfere and don’t advise stay out of it non of your business