To ask how you’d feel if a friend was with a married man

[EalingLucy]

I’ve got a friend who has recently been talking a lot to a married man (well actually for quite a few months, they met through a hobby group and have been exchanging daily messages for some time). I think she would probably let things go further if he wanted to, and it seems like he might soon.

I only found this out recently — she let slip in a kind of ‘isn’t this exciting’ way with a couple of friends - and one of the friends instantly showed shock / disapproval, whereas I felt that way inwardly but also didn’t want to assume anything as at that point it could have been innocent.

I’ve since realised it’s not innocent, in that she told me today they are flirting. It’s none of my business, but also she likes to talk about it. She said she felt comfy talking to me vs the other person as I’m less judgey / realise life isn’t simple, before I then said he should be concentrating on fixing his relationship with his wife if there is an issue etc and that he needs to put his kids and marriage first. I think her attitude was that she’s not morally in the wrong as it’s his choice, and she’s not responsible for the consequences.

I didn’t want to make her feel judged but I do think she probs slightly felt it. I understand relationships are complex, and she’s not too long out of a 13 year marriage, but is it really that common to have affairs?

I feel like it’s morally wrong to encourage it but also maybe people think this is holier than thou and I should just let her live her life without judgement? I don’t know.

shes a really kind, lovely person otherwise so I’m not going to judge her whole character on this. I think she’s quite lonely, but she is playing with fire. And it’s a shared hobby group I am a part of, so really don’t want this messing the dynamic.

in this situation, would you reserve judgement, secretly judge, or outright tell the person you think it’s not ok? Interested in others’ opinions.

I'm sorry, but cheating, whatever else it may be, is not a crime for which the state can punish you and nor should it be.

It's legal grounds to dissolve your marriage, as it's a breach of the terms.

Yes, thats exactly my point, we dont know others situation and lives and why an affair might happen, only those living them do.

And it would be different because its happening to me, not someone else whose life and relationship difficulties (or not) I have no clue about and no business in judging.

Not hypocritical or contradictory at all. Hypocritical would be its ok for me to have an affair but not DP.

You're absolutely right.

I know some people will say it's dramatic, but being tricked into having sex with someone who you would not fuck if you had full information (like that they are cheating on you) is a form of SA. The perpetrator is a breed of r*pist, and anyone who abets that assault on the dignity of another human being is trash.

Difficult. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a married man. She wasn't a player. She thought he was single when they got together and believed he'd leave his wife when he confessed and sold her the story about not wanting to hurt anyone/leave his wife struggling and unable to cope alone/leave the DC, etc. She thought her role was to support him through this terrible self sacrifice until DC were old enough he could extricate himself. She didn't feel bad for the wife because she believed the wife was 'using' her lover to support her lifestyle to his detriment. Took her years to see the truth and break it off. My friend is a woman who could make (and literally did) life and death decisions professionally. She's a loyal friend and has done many kind things for no reason other than kindness. But she made absolutely disastrous choices in terms of relationships. It's something we discussed many times because my loyalty is to her, not the wife whom I'd never met (or the MM for that matter). She knew I disapproved but she was my friend who I wanted to support and we did discuss it regularly. My anger was for him not her and I felt she and the wife were victims.

People don't fit neatly in boxes. I've met some really unpleasant people who have done random acts of kindness and some consistently lovely people who have shit on others from a great height.

Cheating isn't rape.

It's not legally rape, no. But you're not giving consent to having sex with someone cheating on you. You're giving consent to having sex with someone you're in a monogamous relationship with.

the married man has started making it clear he’s not now interested

From what you've said, I suspect he never was. Sounds to me like she's got a massive crush on him and has badly misread friendliness as something completely different.

So from now on I’m going to try and steer convos away from her personal life if it’s about counterproductive things (there is also a very ill-advised obsession with a person with a coke addiction).

She sounds incredibly immature to me. She clearly loves drama and sounds like a bit of a car-crash to be honest, and I suspect that the married man realised that, and then it dawned on him what she was actually after. He's probably terrified at this point.

Comparing cheating to rape in any way is really fucking offensive. I've been cheated on and I've also been raped and no, they are not remotely comparable or similar and the issue and manner of consent is completely fucking different in each situation - legally, morally and in terms of the impact on the victim.

Glad you corrected yourself there. Let's not make it even worse for women to be taken seriously when it comes to rape. TIA.

Not all would agree with you. Many people end their own lives after either. Devastating and life changing.

"I've been raped"

"Yea know how you feel hun I was cheated on"

Said no one ever. Unless they are a bit of a twat of course.

Just stop.

It doesn't need to be an act of sexual violence to be shitty and devastating.

If lying to your partner is, by itself, an act of sexual violence, then every woman who ever lied about being on the pill and every guy who ever pretended he was richer than he is would be a sexual abuser.

"She is a relatively new friend, and I think she’s great on lots of fronts, but I am notice slight self-obsession ... So from now on I’m going to try and steer convos away from her personal life if it’s about counterproductive things (there is also a very ill-advised obsession with a person with a coke addiction)."

I would suggest that you think of this woman more as an acquaintance than a friend. Someone who is part of your hobby group, and nothing more. I'm not sure that she regards you as a friend anyway - more of a captive audience.

There’s always someone unnecessarily nasty 🙄