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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you’d feel if a friend was with a married man

215 replies

EalingLucy · 04/11/2023 23:21

I’ve got a friend who has recently been talking a lot to a married man (well actually for quite a few months, they met through a hobby group and have been exchanging daily messages for some time). I think she would probably let things go further if he wanted to, and it seems like he might soon.

I only found this out recently — she let slip in a kind of ‘isn’t this exciting’ way with a couple of friends - and one of the friends instantly showed shock / disapproval, whereas I felt that way inwardly but also didn’t want to assume anything as at that point it could have been innocent.

I’ve since realised it’s not innocent, in that she told me today they are flirting. It’s none of my business, but also she likes to talk about it. She said she felt comfy talking to me vs the other person as I’m less judgey / realise life isn’t simple, before I then said he should be concentrating on fixing his relationship with his wife if there is an issue etc and that he needs to put his kids and marriage first. I think her attitude was that she’s not morally in the wrong as it’s his choice, and she’s not responsible for the consequences.

I didn’t want to make her feel judged but I do think she probs slightly felt it. I understand relationships are complex, and she’s not too long out of a 13 year marriage, but is it really that common to have affairs?

I feel like it’s morally wrong to encourage it but also maybe people think this is holier than thou and I should just let her live her life without judgement? I don’t know.

shes a really kind, lovely person otherwise so I’m not going to judge her whole character on this. I think she’s quite lonely, but she is playing with fire. And it’s a shared hobby group I am a part of, so really don’t want this messing the dynamic.

in this situation, would you reserve judgement, secretly judge, or outright tell the person you think it’s not ok? Interested in others’ opinions.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 05/11/2023 00:13

If it was my best friend I’d have to stick with her. Tell her she’s an idiot but no way would I cut her out my life.

betterangels · 05/11/2023 00:16

Decide if you want to be there when it blows up. It usually does, especially because she's blabbing to several people about 'how exciting' it is. I'd tell her it's her life, but I don't want to know about her flirting with another woman's husband.

Motnight · 05/11/2023 00:22

A friend of mine was seeing a married man for a while. Her naivety was astounding. I told her very clearly that I thought she was acting awfully, and that he was clearly not to be trusted. I took a huge step back from the friendship.

CaramelShortcakes · 05/11/2023 00:25

My sister was. I didn’t stop talking to her over it but did disapprove and told her so.

theheadband · 05/11/2023 00:25

I would just silently cut off. She obviously doesnt see it as wrong so no point giving your view on it. I cant be friends with people that dont have integrity. I wouldnt bad mouth, each to their own blah blah but not in my company.

CanIPetThatDawg · 05/11/2023 02:40

A close (married) friend of mine is having an affair with a married man. I've told her it will all end in tears for both sides but it wouldn't occur to me to end the friendship over this. I find that on MN people can be very moralistic and will cut people off, or claim to cut people off, in these kinds of situations. Which is their prerogative but is all a bit Mary Whitehouse for me.

If my friend commits murder I might rethink the friendship but not for shagging someone she shouldn't.

SuckingFunt · 05/11/2023 03:41

I would judge yes as she seems to be be thoroughly enjoying it so far and happy to talk about it. It'll get out eventually because of that.

I'd ask her not to talk to me about it, tell her I won't be listening to the fall out and withdraw.

5Bagatelles · 05/11/2023 03:55

My friend dated a married man under the assumption that he would eventually call things off with his wife. I judged her massively for it and our friendship didn't survive it. Affairs wreck families and perhaps there would be fewer of them if people were judged more harshly.

limefrog · 05/11/2023 04:00

I wouldn't judge, but I would be a bit worried about her and would try to find out why she is doing it.

As she's not long out of a 13 year marriage is it that she is simply enjoying the thrill? Is it that she has very low self esteem? Is it even some kind of self sabotage?

I would be trying to support her with whatever's going on underneath and trying to get her to recognise that it's not a healthy situation. It's probably going to turn sour at some point.

Honestly, it sounds like she is going through some stuff so if she's really a friend you love/ care about then just be there for her despite her bad decisions.

Noicant · 05/11/2023 04:10

I’d be worried my friend was setting herself up for a fall. I’d tell her honestly what I thought about it but only to try to help her see why it’s not good for her.

I think it’s probably a bit complicated if she’s just come out of a 13 year marriage. She’s got a crush which is completely normal, it sounds like it’s gone no further than flirty texts, she’s probably got caught up in a little fantasy there. Harsh truth, he’s flirting and it hasn’t gone further because he loves the attention and he’s not going to leave his wife (even if it does go further).

WandaWonder · 05/11/2023 04:12

Malarandras · 04/11/2023 23:25

I would tell her it’s her life so up to her to make her own decisions. I would also tell that I would rather not hear about that particular aspect of her life. Then I’d leave her to it as far as that issue is concerned.

Same, I won't judge but don't need to hear about it

UndercoverCop · 05/11/2023 04:30

I'd also tell her that her decisions were her business but that I didn't want to hear about it. As for not judging her, I think by telling her you don't want to hear about it, it's clear where your judgement stands and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
I think most friendships include shared values, and this would make me think hers are quite different from mine, which would impact the friendship. She knows he's married but is actively pursuing the situation anyway. That's not to say he isn't at fault, absolutely he is.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 05/11/2023 04:41

I would wonder how her self esteem got so low she thinks it's exciting to be a frustrated bored mans bit on the side .

LadyCuntington · 05/11/2023 04:53

I would clutch my pearls and feel embarrassed for them

Northernsouloldies · 05/11/2023 04:58

Ooo isn't it exciting... No its the beginning of tawdry affair and I don't want to know about it. Tell her straight and also don't even think of using me as an excuse to your whereabouts.

WaitingfortheTardis · 05/11/2023 05:06

I would find this hard, on one hand I would want to be there for a friend, but on the other I don't think that necessarily means only telling them what they want to hear. Also I'm afraid I value marriage rather a lot and so if I knew the wife I would absolutely tell her as no-one deserves to be cheated on.

goalgrey · 05/11/2023 05:28

I would instantly think less of them and would have to say at least a small part of my thoughts on the topic (while trying to mind my own business and be diplomatic) and I would definitely ask not to hear anymore about it. Whether we would continue to be friends would depend if I could stand them after that. I'm not sure I could!

PetsAreBetter · 05/11/2023 05:36

I'd talk to them in a non-judgey way. I'd be judging them though. If they went ahead with it, I'd quietly let them go. I can't be friends with someone I have no respect for anymore.

FarEast · 05/11/2023 05:43

I would distance myself from her and probably say something about him being married if she brought it up.

Namechange4234 · 05/11/2023 05:48

You could tell his wife, once the affair starts properly. I expect that would end your friendship but might assuage your dislike of her behaviour

SmokeyToo · 05/11/2023 05:54

I'd feel it's none of my business.

LadyMacB · 05/11/2023 05:55

I’d just make it clear that it’s not something you want to talk about, and leave her to it.

IDontWantAValuableLimeLessonIJustWantIcecream · 05/11/2023 06:01

I wouldn't call anyone kind that was excited about potentially breaking up a family. I also don't think I could stay friends.
Yes, if anything happens, it is the married man/father who is breaking up his family, however to knowingly play a part, I believe makes her a horrible person.
I always hated the woman that my dad left my family for.

electriclight · 05/11/2023 06:22

I would judge and not feel a shred of guilt about it - she's choosing a path of very shabby behaviour and deserves judgment.

Who on earth would be flattered by the attentions of a married man, whose very actions reveal him to be an absolute scumbag. She needs to find a bit of dignity.

So I suppose I'd say all of that so I doubt the friendship would survive for long.

Glenthebattleostrich · 05/11/2023 06:35

Not making excuses here but, a friend of mine has had an affair. She was / is going through a very difficult divorce and has a child with quite severe ASD (non verbal, constant stimming and difficult meltdowns) and was very vulnerable. The arsehole groomed her and she did have an affair for a few months.

I told her she was behaving stupidly and needed to end it. It did end when his wife found out and he lied saying it was a one night stand, she led him on (usual script). He is now trying to worm his way back in, sending flowers, setting up fake profiles and back to the lies about how his wife doesn't understand hom, only staying for the kids, he only loves her etc.

She's my friend so I am supporting her but I have been clear that if she starts up with him again I will be having words with his wife because she deserves better. It has affected pur friendship because I have lost some respect for her. I've told her she needs to get her arse to counselling and sort her shit out (my actual words) and think of the fallout for her kids, one of whom goes to the same school as the arseholes kids.

In my case, I can be honest with her, tell her she os behaving like a fool but she is my friend and while I don't support what she is doing I will be there for her when the worst happens.