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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
PrinnyPree · 26/10/2023 10:59

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

He didn't write you a card because his arm hurt, that has to be the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard in my life.

As others have said you can still make an effort if you're broke, writing sweet notes, arranging walks and days out to free or inexpensive places. Nice massages, cooking for you and genuinely making a fuss of you when at home together. He can't even be fucked doing the bare minimum. You shouldn't be having an anxiety attack over how shit your boyfriend will probanly treat you for your birthday THAT YOU'RE PAYING FOR.

Seriously you can do much better than this wannabe cocklodging piss taker. At least you don't have kids, you could literally tell him where to stick it, block him and move on tomorrow.

Take a friend with you and have a lovely birthday OP and find someone better. He ain't it. X

horseyhorsey17 · 26/10/2023 11:01

God, just dump him!

Neodymium · 26/10/2023 11:01

Does he have a job? I know people who are always saying they are broke and have no money and then getting others to pay for them. They generally have no money cause they sock it all away in savings. I think your boyfriend is just a tight arse. My bil is like that. Always crying poor, saying can’t afford stuff. If we have stuff we don’t want that they need we just give it to them. But he never gives anything away. When dh left his ex with nothing but a bag of clothes, his sister offered him an old double bed. When he went to collect it bil wanted paying for it. Sil was so embarrassed as it was pretty crappy bed.

gamerchick · 26/10/2023 11:01

He's a leech and you're letting him. I'm not sure what you want us to say.

Dump him, there isn't a future there and take someone else away for your special day.

We get treated the way we allow. It's up to you.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/10/2023 11:02

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:01

I’m very torn because I can see both sides. I grew up with parents not having much money. Empty cupboards, not having clothes replaced quite as often as needed etc. I’m very aware that if you don’t have the money you can’t magic it out of thin air.
I do find though, that if an emergency bill comes up or if he absolutely desperately needs something he can find the money somehow. From my experiences of being skint that’s not how it worked. When I’ve been hard up in the past there were no back ups. It was go without.

He wasn’t quite as bad at the beginning but I still paid for a lot more. I have legitimate fears about this weekend because there have been previous nights away where I did end up paying for everything. Actually I don’t think he’s ever really full on treated me. He’s paid for meals out here and there but I’ve still always picked up the bigger cost. I don’t think it’s ever happened where we’ve gone out and he’s paid for everything like I did last night.

I love him. I really do and I don’t doubt that he feels the same way. I guess I really wanted him to make this birthday up to me for the shit show that was last year. I’m not feeling hopeful he’s going to do that and it’s making me sad and anxious before I’ve even gone.

Please don’t waste another year with your birthday being a let down .
I suggest this . Ask him f he can transfer his share of the weekend away just now. Tell Him
you need to know what’s what as you have spent a lot of money.

You will get money or some sort reason /excuse then at least you will knows where you stand. If he can’t afford it telL him you can’t afford to pay for you both and shouldn’t have to as it’s your birthday, so you will need to take a friend.
Tell him he can sort something separately Dow you birthday or NOT

Tarquina · 26/10/2023 11:03

Using a foodbank isn't necessarily proof of genuine pennilessness BTW.

I know a woman in her forties who spends her unemployment benefit on getting Chinese takeways delivered every other day until she's run out of money, then uses a food bank.

Has he ever shown you in writing his income and outgoings?

Like others I cannot imagine why you for one second would entertain this man moving in with you!

HarpieDuJour · 26/10/2023 11:05

This isn't making you happy, is it? You have no legal or moral obligations to this man and he is making you miserable. Just end it. You might be miserable for a short time afterwards, but you will also feel lighter without this millstone around your neck.

horseyhorsey17 · 26/10/2023 11:07

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

You're not worthless - of course you're not - but you're letting this man take you for a ride. Ask yourself if you think he'd still be with you if you had no money and he had to pay for everything, or you just couldn't do anything. If you know the answer is that he'd break up with you, then you know what you have to do. You're worth MORE than this - much more. Get rid of the parasite!

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 11:07

If he's genuinely in such dire financial straits that he's been referred to a food bank, then he probably shouldn't be shelling out for pub meals and cinema tickets. Those things are luxuries.

I don't think you are unreasonable for getting tired of paying for everything. I do think you're unreasonable for thinking you can date someone who has to use food banks to survive without that having an impact on the relationship, though. If you choose to date someone who lives on the poverty line, you need to accept that they can't pay for extras like cinema trips and that unless you're prepared to pay, you won't have those sorts of dates.

However - if you suspect that he's using a food bank when he doesn't genuinely need to, and is just doing it to save money rather than because he'd go hungry without it, that's a very different matter! If you think he's got more money than he claims and could actually manage well enough without food bank support, but is just using a food bank so he can pay off his debt faster rather than because he'd go hungry without it, then I'd dump him on those grounds alone.

horseyhorsey17 · 26/10/2023 11:08

Tarquina · 26/10/2023 11:03

Using a foodbank isn't necessarily proof of genuine pennilessness BTW.

I know a woman in her forties who spends her unemployment benefit on getting Chinese takeways delivered every other day until she's run out of money, then uses a food bank.

Has he ever shown you in writing his income and outgoings?

Like others I cannot imagine why you for one second would entertain this man moving in with you!

Only the Trussell food banks need referrals - a lot of them rely on good will so you can just rock up and anyone can use them.

Aavalon57 · 26/10/2023 11:08

The best birthday present you can give yourself is to dump him. You are worth more than this. He is a miser and lazy and not much good will come of this relationship. I can't see him changing, not if it's another year in and things are still the same. And for goodness sake, don't move in with him!

Beautiful3 · 26/10/2023 11:08

Does he have a job? This relationship sounds completely unbalanced. I'd feel embarrassed at having to pay for everything, as if he's my small dependent child. See what happens for your birthday, I'd it's still bad then end it.

KirstenBlest · 26/10/2023 11:09

@MinnieL , I think Card Factory sells cards for as little as 29p, or they used to. he could have made a card for nothing.

@Mydogisamentalist , you won't get a birthday card. His arm will hurt to much to get his wallet out. He won't but buy you a present etc.

You didn't say how old you both are, but you sound like you are in your 20s. Move on, find someone more like yourself in attitude and income.

PrincessScarlett · 26/10/2023 11:09

Why does he use a food bank when he lives with family and has a job?

He is using you. Sorry OP but you deserve better. And not to mention the fact that he supposedly has no money because of various debts he's paying off. I would worry how he would get you into debt if you carry on this relationship. What a catch!

My sister was in a relationship with a man like this. She paid for everything. He gave her a sob story that he had debts and child maintenance to pay his ex. After 2 years he left my sister heartbroken and in thousands of pounds worth of debt.

strawberry2017 · 26/10/2023 11:12

Do not move in with him:
He lives with family. Even with debts he should have spare money.
He's using you.
He shouldn't be in an adult relationship until he can act like an adult.
What is he doing for a living? How much debt does he have?

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/10/2023 11:13

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

Oh fgs sake no way .
This shows not Cara I’m the world for you .

Its alL poor me .
Im sorry I don’t believe a word of the debt yeah maybe some not who has that much debt and lives with there family and still
no money .

You are his meal ticket !
Do you seriously think he is paying for anything for you away ? He won’t even pay his own .

Rosiem2808 · 26/10/2023 11:14

OP I think you need to go back and read your initial post and then you will have the answer you are looking for. It was there all the time !

CryptoFascist · 26/10/2023 11:14

How do you know he even uses a food bank? Could be making it up to make you feel you have to pay for him.

I can't believe you're the one feeling anxious in case he messes up your birthday again. He's the one who should be worried about it, not you!
I think you're anxious because you know you'll have to do something about it if he proves he doesn't care and is just using you.

Imagine a woman (could be a celebrity or just someone you know) who you think of as confident, self respecting and independent. Then imagine how that woman would react to no birthday card or present.
Did he turn up empty handed on your birthday expecting you to take him out and pay for everything?

Please get rid, being skint is one thing but being tight is a different thing. He has money (see £40 kitchen gadget) but money for himself, not you.

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 11:15

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

OK, this is obviously really shit. Even if he literally didn't have 99p for a card from a discount card shop, he could have done SOMETHING, even if it was folding a piece of paper in half, drawing a daft picture on the front and writing a lovely message inside. 'My arm hurt too much to write it' is one of the most shitty excuses I've ever heard in my life.

whatausername · 26/10/2023 11:16

It is NOT worth it. Whether he has debt or not it is tiring and it grates. Been there, done that, left.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/10/2023 11:16

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 11:07

If he's genuinely in such dire financial straits that he's been referred to a food bank, then he probably shouldn't be shelling out for pub meals and cinema tickets. Those things are luxuries.

I don't think you are unreasonable for getting tired of paying for everything. I do think you're unreasonable for thinking you can date someone who has to use food banks to survive without that having an impact on the relationship, though. If you choose to date someone who lives on the poverty line, you need to accept that they can't pay for extras like cinema trips and that unless you're prepared to pay, you won't have those sorts of dates.

However - if you suspect that he's using a food bank when he doesn't genuinely need to, and is just doing it to save money rather than because he'd go hungry without it, that's a very different matter! If you think he's got more money than he claims and could actually manage well enough without food bank support, but is just using a food bank so he can pay off his debt faster rather than because he'd go hungry without it, then I'd dump him on those grounds alone.

I think hes with Op for a freebie .
He goes to good banks for a freebie.

He’s just a taker .
If people are handing it out he’s taking it!

Americano75 · 26/10/2023 11:18

Give yourself an early birthday present and dump this fucking user because believe me, the longer you stay the angrier you'll be with yourself when he dumps you once you've outlived your usefulness. Trust me on this.

MsRosley · 26/10/2023 11:18

Another poster called him a parasite. That's it, exactly. He's a parasite. Treat him like a bad case of fleas and get rid of him asap.

Iamnotalemming · 26/10/2023 11:19

It doesn't sound like he makes you happy. You don't have to spend a lot of money to make an effort for someone you care about. It does sound like he is taking advantage of you to improve his own financial situation.

Why not take a friend or family member on the weekend away instead. Or go on your own. It will give you time to think about whether this relationship is doing anything for you.

Gillypie23 · 26/10/2023 11:20

Get rid of him. He's using you as a meal ticket.

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