I pay for everything in relationship

[Mydogisamentalist]

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

Sleeplessinseattle234 · Today 09:33
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I do understand. But to me dinner and a cinema trip are a lot of money. If he has none I’m not surprised he didn’t want to help out”

This. If he’s having to use food banks, he very obviously can’t afford nights out. You’ve a choice to make.

So many threads like this, it's depressing. A bright, hard working woman putting up with a loser like this? What are his good points?

And seriously why is he using a FB if he lives at home with his family? I'd love to know his entitlement to FB vouchers? Presumably he is young and fit and could work a few more hours? I volunteer at a FB and it's people like this that give FBs a bad image ... I am sure people who donate to FBs expect their contributions to used a little more wisely.

If my 'boyfriend' had to use a FB I would rather give him the cinema ticket money to buy essentials rather than taking him to the cinema .

What do you get out of the relationship? Sex, company, an escort when needed socially? Are you getting your money's worth?

Well as long as you continue funding nights out and not even asking him to pay - why on earth didn't you tell him it was his turn to pay for the cinema last night? - then he can continue paying off his debts, eating from food banks, and yet still have a nice social life and nights away etc. He's on to a good thing there!

My initial question would be how he acquired these debts in the first place (and what they are for - it is things like council tax arrears, or more like credit card and catalogue debt? Also if he lives with family, yet is still relying on food banks to feed himself, how little is he actually earning?! Do you have any evidence from your relationship that once he pays these debts off he won't just build them up again?

I agree that you need to decide on if you can continue paying, or stop the nights out. My boyfriend has recently become disabled. So money is non existent (until ESA/PIP are awarded). But he does own his own house, which I stay in and when I was having building work done, it would have been a hotel if I wasn't with him. He pays for his car because and because I can't drive because of health issues, I benefit from that. It sounds as though he brings nothing to the table. It depends on what happened on your birthday and how long this will continue for.

So 6 months in to your relationship you were weeping on your birthday because he'd treated you so badly. And a year later he is taking your money so he can use his money to pay off his debts. Run away from this man-baby and find a proper adult who doesn't hide when it's his turn to pay.

I would dump him. He's a user. He wants to do nice things - cinema, trips, meals - but wants you to pay for them. He even wants other people to pay for his food, via the food bank. I really doubt he's throwing all his money at his debts.

I'd take a friend with you for the weekend.

What's the background here?

How old is he?

What debts - for what? How much?

What work does he do?

He lives with family but gets food vouchers??? You mean he doesn't get fed by his family?

Why are you doing things that cost money? You could have a really cheap meal at home - his as well as yours- and a Netflix night. Go for a walk. Free museums. Art galleries.

Has it always been like this? Why did you go on a 2nd date if so?

I'd just say you weren't compatible. There's no way I'd be wanting to pay for everything, however, when my partner has gone through 'skint' phases, and likewise when I have, we just stop doing luxury things and don't go out. Pub & cinema may not be 'extravagant' but actually is quite expensive..cinema tickets aren't cheap these days, neither is the drink&snacks they sell, and a meal for two in a pub would be around £30-£40. So I imagine that night was around £70? Which is a lot of money for someone using food banks. A weekend away is expensive too, and as lovely as it is to get away, if my boyfriend was skint I'd tell him to get me a card & cook me a nice meal. I bet he's feeling awful about the fact he can't treat you the way he wants to. Why not have date nights at home, or instead of pub and cinema..do one or the other to save money. Ask him how long he thinks it will take for him to be in a better financial place & then work out yourself if you can compromise on dates until then. X

I’m very torn because I can see both sides. I grew up with parents not having much money. Empty cupboards, not having clothes replaced quite as often as needed etc. I’m very aware that if you don’t have the money you can’t magic it out of thin air.
I do find though, that if an emergency bill comes up or if he absolutely desperately needs something he can find the money somehow. From my experiences of being skint that’s not how it worked. When I’ve been hard up in the past there were no back ups. It was go without.

He wasn’t quite as bad at the beginning but I still paid for a lot more. I have legitimate fears about this weekend because there have been previous nights away where I did end up paying for everything. Actually I don’t think he’s ever really full on treated me. He’s paid for meals out here and there but I’ve still always picked up the bigger cost. I don’t think it’s ever happened where we’ve gone out and he’s paid for everything like I did last night.

I love him. I really do and I don’t doubt that he feels the same way. I guess I really wanted him to make this birthday up to me for the shit show that was last year. I’m not feeling hopeful he’s going to do that and it’s making me sad and anxious before I’ve even gone.

I don't know how you can respect someone who hides when the bill is due.

As for last year's birthday - you should have left him that day.

Oh come on, don’t be such a fool.
He’s a grown man, working, and living with family.
He does not need to use a foodbank!
I’m well aware that debt can take up disposable income, but there are ways to restructure debt.
He is choosing to use a foodbank, to avoid spending his own money.
To me, that’s exactly the same as stealing from a charity collection at work.
Foodbanks are charities for hungry people and he taking that food away from them.

Just as he takes your money away from him.

Just how many red flags do you need? He ruined your birthday a year ago and you’re still paying for this scam artist.

Take the money you spend on him and put it towards therapy for you on why you’re so desperate to have a boyfriend that you’re accepting this. That will pay you back many times over.

I bet last year he broke up with you just before your birthday so he didn’t have to buy you anything

He is a cocklodger who isn’t actually lodging with you yet
but if he did nothing would change and you would have to pay for everything

I assume he is on benefits if he uses the food bank - you have to be to use them don’t you?

It sounds like he is using you to pay off his debt, which is not fair.

This would majorly give me the ick especially as he ruined your birthday early in.

I think you probably know deep down it's not right and you should end it.

OP he clearly cannot afford the lifestyle you want to live so I’m not sure what you expect? Seems like you knew this from the start so you have walked into this with your eyes wide open.

He is taking advantage of you whether wittingly or unwittingly, but he is not in a position to financially contribute to your relationship so you have a decision to make, you either:

1. Stay with him and accept that you always pay for everything, or start living the life that he can afford (sounds shit to me), or
2. End it now whilst it’s relatively simple (you don’t live together, have a child together, have a home together).

I know which one I’d choose and chalk it up as a good lesson learned.

But allowing your partner to pay for everything whilst never even offering isn’t?

Tell him you are a bit pinched financially and are going to have to stop all non-essential expenditure for a bit, so no meals out, no trips to the pub or cinema......see how he reacts. Will he be happy staying in with you?

What kind of things he "absolutely desperately" needs does he manage to find the money for?

Also, why are you so poor at communicating with each other? You have paid for everything to do with your birthday so far and are now sitting stewing about what he may or may not pay for over the weekend? Ask him/tell him for goodness sakes! If he gets the hump because you expect him to pay for the meals, coffees etc while away then you hopefully have time to bin him from the weekend and go with a friend instead.

As for loving him, can you explain why? What is he bringing to your life? I don't mean to be cruel but your expectations seem to be set very low.

“I love him. I really do and I don’t doubt that he feels the same way”

Why on earth wouldn’t you doubt him?

How old is he and how did he end up in such a dire situation? Living with his parents, loads of debt and using food banks?

I don't think he's in a position to be in a relationship with anyone. I think he needs to get his shit together and get himself back on his feet without sponging off others before considering a serious relationship.

I've been in your shoes before except he moved in with me. Contributed very little, kept quitting jobs, borrowed money for petrol, phone top ups etc, but somehow managed to have money for the pub with his friends. I paid for everything when we went out because if I didn't then we'd never go out. I even organised and paid for a weekend away for my 30th. He had saved around £200 and took me shopping on my birthday to pick a gift and paid for dinner on my birthday but I paid for everything else.

He was 6 years older than me in his mid 30s. I did end up resenting him and it started loads of arguments. I'd be out working all day and come home to him on his dressing gown, watching Netflix and eating sweets all day. He ended up leaving because in his actual words "I don't want the pressure of being in a relationship". 🤣

I'm now married to someone who is just as ambitious as I am and earns similar money. It's like night and day and feels like a proper partnership not a parent and child relationship. I know there's more to life and love than money but I think you do need to be in similar positions in life for it to work long-term.

I will say, I had serious self-esteem issues at the time which I worked on and had therapy for. Maybe worth spending a bit of time working on yourself if you're happy to accept this in a relationship I'd say you probably have some self-esteem issues.

How can this relationship ever work .

Moving in together? Are you completely mad? No, OP, find someone else and let him parasite on someone else. Wave him goodbye and good riddance.

Christ on a bike.

This was you, posting in May:
I paid for everything as always. The hotel, meals, activities, some of the petrol money. Pretty much everything. The morning we left we stopped in TK Maxx for a look. He treated himself to some fancy cooking utensil. Around the £40 mark

I was not joking about therapy in my previous post. Something has gone badly wrong for you that you have ever accepted this shit.
And that’s before we get to the post where you haven’t had sex in a year 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can make someone feel special on their birthday without spending a lot of money.
Did he try to do this last year?

e.g. write something nice in a card, make you breakfast, make you feel loved and special?
I get the feeling that your feelings about your birthday last year relate to more than his lack of money.