I pay for everything in relationship

[Mydogisamentalist]

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

His lack of caring about you is contagious, and you are starting to show symptoms by staying with him. Show yourself some love and attention and get rid.

I'm reading a coming of age story atm and the dad said to his son earlier in the book, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Do you think you deserve to be treated this way?

I think you’re both in different places right now and it’s not the right time to be together unfortunately. This situation will be a nightmare and cause a lot more resentment if you live together and have a family together.

Who is it that suggests these dates? If I were struggling for money I’d opt for a home cooked meal and a movie at home, rather than spending £££ on dinner and movie out.
It’s fine if that’s something that’s important to you, but again, it’s not compatible with your boyfriends current situation. And if he is suggesting expensive dates whilst knowing he can’t contribute financially, it’s bloody cheeky of him!

He wasn’t quite as bad at the beginning ...

Of course not; after all he wasn't to know then that you'd be prepared to be quite such a mug so giving

It's not a fault to have litte money, but the thing to do is be honest and suggest low cost/free things to do, not to skulk around waiting for someone else to pay

So I'm afraid I voted you're BU - for putting up with this in the first place

@Testina
Dumping him will be the second best birthday present you ever give yourself. The first beer will be therapy so you don’t hang on to a loser like this ever again.

This ⬆

You describe yourself as feeling "worthless". Please don't let him do this to you - I have been there myself and I know it isn't easy th break free. That very feeling of worthlessness which he has instilled into you, is what makes you feel that you don't deserve any better - but you DO!

Tell him that you feel you need some time apart to think over your relationship. Take a friend on your birthday weekend - or go alone. Take some time to think about what you want out of life, and give yourself a chance to see yourself for the good and worthy person you are. The longer you are with this selfish, greedy man, the worse you will feel about yourself, and the harder it will be to break free - but if you want to retain your sanity and self-respet, you must.

Get away from him. Don't contact him, don't let him contact you - take a complete break and see how you feel in 3 months.

I'm sorry OP, it does sound like he's taking advantage. Like PP's say, cards are very cheap, cooking you a nice meal, breakfast in bed, all special things that don't have to be expensive.

If you really, really want to give him a chance then stop paying for everything. Have a chat and tell him you are worried you are making him feel awkward about you paying for everything, so from now on you are going 50/50 on everything and stick to it. No meals out unless really cheap, use the meercat 2-4-1 for going to the cinema, go for free days out, ie the beach, spend time cooking together using whatever ingredients you both have, get creative with using the most random stuff from the food bank if need be. But always going 50/50 with him on it.

See how things go after you stop buying all his treats for him.

However, I'd have dumped him after not even getting you a card for your birthday last year.

Ask him f he can transfer his share of the weekend away just now. Tell Him
you need to know what’s what as you have spent a lot of money.

Good suggestion here - and if you get nowt, go alone or with a friend.

I'm so sorry OP he's making you feel worthless. I can't believe he had the nerve to ask for a drink at the cinema! What a complete CF.

He's just using you.

You know what you need to do.

Just dump him OP.
You aren't financially compatible and he is making NO effort whatsoever. His arm hurt too much to write you a card? What a knob.
Even if he is on the poverty line he could have made some kind of effort for your birthday even without having to spend a lot of money.
When I was a student none of us had much money at all but we still managed to go out with each other and do nice things - I can remember having a picnic by the river with one boyfriend, going to a free art gallery with another and drinking tea from a thermos afterwards, vouchers to get money off at a pizza chain, video from blockbusters and popcorn in study bedroom etc.

He could be really struggling with money - paying off debt etc and having to use food banks. He could also be taking the piss - who knows? He's living at home and has a job so surely he can afford food (his parents might even be providing food) and he could reduce debt payments if he can't afford to feed himself.
Obviously if he has financial struggles he can't afford to pay for the cinema and restaurant but he shouldn't be leeching off you all the time and he should be coming up with ideas to have some nice dates with you which he plans and organizes which are within his budget.

Personally I think he's a cocklodger in waiting. It won't be long and he'll have an "accommodation emergency". He'll have a fall-out with a family member, which won't be his fault of course, and they'll say he has to leave so he'll come to you with a sob story. And there you have it - a full-on cocklodger you'll be paying for.
The next step after that will be losing his job (through no fault of his own), swiftly followed by depression which comes and goes depending on whether you have just asked him to contribute to the household by either searching for a job or doing some household chores.

Please get rid of him OP to avoid the necessity of coming back on Mumsnet in a few months to describe exactly the scenario above.

So, for YOUR birthday you're treating HIM to a hotel break.

Cop yourself on and for the love of God, don't let him move in with you.

I think you know the answer. If you stay with this man, he will only get worse.

His debt isn’t your problem, he should offer to pay half and just pay off his debt slower. The going to the loo/ hanging by the wall thing is concerning, that’s actually quite a manipulate thing to do.

That said, you should also be trying to find things to do them at are either cheap or free. Eating out and going to the cinema are both quite costly.

You need to move on. People have already advised. Take the advice and act on it.

An abusive ex boyfriend always disappeared when there was a bill to be paid! He also had debts. Never honest about money.

^I do understand. But to me dinner and a cinema trip are a lot of money. If he has none I’m not surprised he didn’t want to help pay.^

Not only didn't want to pay, but* asked her to buy him a drink*

There's skint, and then there's beyond cheeky. Cinema drinks are expensive. I don't let my kids have cinema drinks, they have to take a water bottle!

So, he has tonnes of debt, lives with family so minimal rent, and he still doesnt earn enough to pay for things. LTB, he will drag you down. Sounds like a complete waste of space.

Christ I hope he is mind blowing in bed because you have yourself the makings of a cock lodger OP! Get rid.

YABU to be in a relationship with a man who can't pay for himself. Does he have no pride?

And the story of your last birthday - well, you don't need a lot of money to make someone feel special so the fact he put no effort on tells me all I need to know

He's a taker and you're being a mug. Take a mate with you for your birthday instead.

Dump. He is tight. It won't get better. Birthdays will be disappointing. Christmas gifts from the garage. If you move in together you will see him as a cocklodger before too long.

hwclan has it:

Personally I think he's a cocklodger in waiting. It won't be long and he'll have an "accommodation emergency". He'll have a fall-out with a family member, which won't be his fault of course, and they'll say he has to leave so he'll come to you with a sob story. And there you have it - a full-on cocklodger you'll be paying for.
The next step after that will be losing his job (through no fault of his own), swiftly followed by depression which comes and goes depending on whether you have just asked him to contribute to the household by either searching for a job or doing some household chores.

This is absolutely the way the script will go.

😁

Please do not stay with this man, it will lead to either emotional and/or financial ruin for you.

I stayed with someone like this (although it started much better than this). When we moved in together it only got worse. After two years he'd lost his job (but didn't tell me), I found out when there was absolutely no money forthcoming for rent etc. He even started selling my stuff when I was at work and I thought he was working - stuff he didn't think I'd miss, DVDs/CDs etc. Even when I found out I was still prepared to work on the relationship.

He eventually cheated on me and it gave me the kick up the arse I needed. I was left in thousands of pounds worth of debt funding a rubbish relationship where one person couldn't be bothered.

Please do not make the same mistake, it will rob years from you.

How far off is he from paying off his debts? He either must be close or he has huge amounts. I’d be a bit worried that he’s managed to get so much debt, but I’m sure you’ll know by now if the reasons for him having it are a concern and whether it’s likely to happen again or not. I think it’s good and sensible that he’s paying them off, but it shouldn’t be at your expense. I’d be worried that once this is established, that this is how it will be for the remainder of your relationship.

Have you met his family? Are you sure he is not already married/living with someone/got squads of snotty kids?

Would explain why he doesn't have any money & needs foodbanks.

He’s using you and it’s eaten away at your self esteem.

You have a leech. Remove it.

Seriously, OP, dump him. The story about the birthday card says it all. As PP have said, he could have put a bit of thought into cheaper/free things to do that shows he cares about you, but he's content to let you arrange and pay for everything. Even if he's the handsomest, wittiest man on earth, that attitude makes him a very unappealing boyfriend.

Talk to him about it. In a proper relationship you should be able to discuss sensitive issues like money. Tell him you feel like he's using you and taking you for granted and that you too have financial restraints.

It's good that he's getting out of debt. But when I did that, post uni, I was given the advice to hold back a set sum of money each week (these days the equivalent would probably be about £20-£25 and use it exclusively for treats. That would mean, for example, he could bring some nice food and wine over to yours and cook for you one night, or pay for cheap cinema tickets.

He should also get imaginative at finding ways to entertain you and be responsible for fun nights out that cost very little. He could sign up for ticket services that paper the house when shows aren't selling. You just pay about £4 booking fee per ticket and can see some good things. Or Vodaphone deals on free cinema tickets and dirt cheap festival tickets. It's OK to be poor but you have to be inventive at creating fun dates and appreciative of your richer partner, or the romance will die.