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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
BrightLightTonight · 26/10/2023 10:17

How can he be earning, living with family and still using food banks? I would run away asap if I were you

Dotcheck · 26/10/2023 10:18

The only , only way this is ok is if he genuinely is happy to have meals at home/ go for cheaper days out ( ie go for a walk) etc but you insist on more expensive activities.

What happens when you both arrange a date? Does he say he can’t afford it? Do you insist on paying so you can do something fun?

Im just trying to get my head around how you get to the point of being out, in a relationship but not discussing finances

Ivyy · 26/10/2023 10:18

What happened on your birthday last year @Mydogisamentalist ? It might help with offering advice if we knew, especially as you're so anxious about your upcoming birthday

Doidontimmm · 26/10/2023 10:18

Is it you suggesting the nights out/ weekends away or him. If it’s you perhaps he feels under pressure to go and is worried about the cost and you are adding to stress of him worrying about paying for things. Maybe he worries you will leave him if he doesn’t keep up with the lifestyle you want. If my boyfriend was using foodbanks I’d certainly not arrange nights away!

Or if it’s him suggesting then yes he is taking advantage.

You need to speak to him.

Wouldyouguess · 26/10/2023 10:19

You love him, he loves the fact he found a gullible person to fund his outings. If he has no money, then he can plan for dates he can afford and not rely on you.
It just does not work, and either you finish it, or admit you will be a doormat forever and fce things won't change if he pays off the dept, he will put money aside for something that matters for him then, and it won't be you.

Throwaway0912 · 26/10/2023 10:19

Testina · 26/10/2023 10:16

Christ on a bike.

This was you, posting in May:
I paid for everything as always. The hotel, meals, activities, some of the petrol money. Pretty much everything. The morning we left we stopped in TK Maxx for a look. He treated himself to some fancy cooking utensil. Around the £40 mark

I was not joking about therapy in my previous post. Something has gone badly wrong for you that you have ever accepted this shit.
And that’s before we get to the post where you haven’t had sex in a year 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was getting bad vibes reading the OP anyway, but now with this information, I fully agree with you.

OP, you really need to get out of this "relationship" and get some therapy. There is no reason at all to put up with this. What's so scary about being single? Would you honestly rather put up with this nonsense than just be on your own?

There's not one part of your relationship that sounds worthwhile, fulfilling or even fun. How you can love this complete waste of space excuse for a human is beyond any logical comprehension. Run. A. Mile.

Original poster
Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

OP posts:
Catastrophejane · 26/10/2023 10:21

Run.

He can still be skint, but respectful of you. If he can’t afford to go out on a date, then choose something he can afford.

Also, anyone spoiling your birthdays/ important events is a major red flag.

please don’t move in with him.

OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 10:22

His arm hurt too much to write you a birthday card? I've heard it all now. That's up there with "my dog ate my homework".

BodenCardiganNot · 26/10/2023 10:22

Why is being single worse than being with someone who has no respect for you?

Testina · 26/10/2023 10:23

Is there anyone who can go on your birthday trip with you?
If not, don’t dismiss going alone. It’s really liberating when you realise that you can enjoy your own company.
Otherwise, it would actually be better to lose money spent already, than (a) lose even more money taking him and (b) spending a moment more with him.

Dumping him will be the second best birthday present you ever give yourself. The first beer will be therapy so you don’t hang on to a loser like this ever again.

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/10/2023 10:24

Another way of looking at is that right now he is not in a financial position to afford going out for dates.

A few ways to respond to this are:

  1. You accept that he can’t afford to take you on dates to restaurants, cinema etc. and he thinks a bit creatively of free or very low cost activities for when it is his turn to take you on a date. He needs to be the one who puts in the effort/organises it because it is his turn to treat you.
  2. You accept that he can’t afford restaurants and cinema etc. but you still want to go to these places and share these experiences with him so you pay when it is your turn to take him on a date.
  3. You want every date to be costly rather than free or very low cost so you accept that he can’t afford it and pay every time.
  4. You end the relationship because it’s just not working out.
Peepshowcreepshow · 26/10/2023 10:24

How can you love someone with so little self respect? Would he still love you if you were skint? Don't reduce your relationship down to slobbing in front of the TV and walks in the park if you want more. Get rid, he's clearly not going to improve.

StellaAndCrow · 26/10/2023 10:25

OP it's not you that are worthless. It's him. I had the same issue in the past, was upset my boyfriend didn't get me a card, told him - he went and got one from the local shop and signed it "from [name]" - ermm, thanks??

It's him that's not good enough, not you. Sorry you're upset. Bin him off and do nice things yourself or with someone else.

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/10/2023 10:26

Cross posted with your last post. He made no effort to even get you or make you a birthday card! LTB.

thedevilsgift · 26/10/2023 10:27

This is simple. If you are happy to pay for everything, keep seeing him. Or if you are happy to see him but just hang out without paying to do stuff, keep seeing him.

If you are not happy with either of these, leave him.

If he genuinely can’t afford to do the stuff you want, it is unfair to expect him to pay to accompany you. You either end it, or do different free stuff with him.

GabriellaMontez · 26/10/2023 10:28

Have you seen evidence of his big debts? What are they from?

Do you realise that you're paying them off for him?

Why? He's a young man in work, living with family...

And he doesn't even buy you a birthday card.

RUN.

StellaAndCrow · 26/10/2023 10:28

My current boyfriend also doesn't have much money, but chooses and writes lovely cards with meaningful words, makes me happy in many little ways. Buys me little things cos he's thought of me. And that's lovely.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2023 10:29

Don't marry him or have joint accounts with him

DMNet · 26/10/2023 10:29

Please value yourself. It must be hard for him not having money. But what is needed is an open chat about what you can and can’t do and how to budget and still lead a loving and full life.

Him sneaking off to the toilet when it comes to paying for tickets is just such cowardly and unattractive behaviour.

He does not respect you. OP you deserve better. Please don’t be another woman wasting a life with a loser.

MinnieL · 26/10/2023 10:29

If he’s using food banks and has no spare money then he genuinely cannot afford to date/be in a relationship. I don’t know why he’s in a situation where he can’t reciprocate the energy that you’re giving him. I’d leave. Sounds like my ex and I when I was 17

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 10:31

He sees you as a meal ticket.

Stop paying for him, see how fast he dumps you.

MinnieL · 26/10/2023 10:32

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

Now that’s just pathetic. You can be broke and still make an effort. You can get a lovely card for £1.49 in the bloody Card Factory! He’s not even trying and you deserve better than that surely? I hate this guy and I don’t even know him. I have a feeling your birthday this year will be another disappointment

towriteyoumustlive · 26/10/2023 10:33

Being broke doesn't mean you can't out effort in.

Effort costs nothing.

He could arrange a picnic, nice walk, star gazing etc...

This man is not a keeper. I'd be getting rid!

YourDiscoNeedsYou · 26/10/2023 10:34

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/10/2023 10:24

Another way of looking at is that right now he is not in a financial position to afford going out for dates.

A few ways to respond to this are:

  1. You accept that he can’t afford to take you on dates to restaurants, cinema etc. and he thinks a bit creatively of free or very low cost activities for when it is his turn to take you on a date. He needs to be the one who puts in the effort/organises it because it is his turn to treat you.
  2. You accept that he can’t afford restaurants and cinema etc. but you still want to go to these places and share these experiences with him so you pay when it is your turn to take him on a date.
  3. You want every date to be costly rather than free or very low cost so you accept that he can’t afford it and pay every time.
  4. You end the relationship because it’s just not working out.

I think this is great advice. Being poor doesn’t make anyone worthless. If you’re poor enough to get referred to food banks, eating out at fancy restaurants or expensive cinema trips (cinemas are megabucks these days) is probably not on the agenda.

it’s very difficult for random readers to know his motivation, or the nuances of the situation, but it’s obvious you are feeling resentful about the imbalance and that’s never going to improve. I think you can both leave this situation with dignity and realise you both lead different lifestyles and want different things.

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