I pay for everything in relationship

[Mydogisamentalist]

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

I'm so sorry. He doesn't really love you though, you're his meal ticket, his convenient sex, his distraction from what sounds like a pretty tedious life.

Dump him as your birthday present to yourself.

Discuss his longer term plans for getting out of debt and finding a better paying job. Can he be doing more hours, more training or study? Will he be out of debt within a couple of years? Does he have a gambling addiction or the like?
Maybe you need to undertake cheaper dates for a while so he is not embarrassed.
If he can be motivated to talk about a better financial future it might turn out okay.
Have a nice birthday.

He sounds very inconsiderate and selfish if he couldn't even be bothered to get you a birthday card! He's unlikely to change, so you'll either have to suck it up or leave. If it were me, I'd leave; it'll be a lot less painful in the long run.

This is spades!

He's not paying off his debts if everyone else is paying for his cost of living day-to-day as well as his social life.

I'm glad that, even if it's belatedly, you understand that you are worth so much more than this, OP.

OH COME ON

I mean, a regular person would ask a friend - even if both their arms had fallen off! - to write the card for them!

Don't cry, OP. Your life is about to improve, and it's all in your power.

This ^.

I am concerned that he is even allowed to use a foodbank.

In most areas I know access to foodbanks is by letter from GP/Social Services/Health Visitor.

OP, he sounds like a scrounger, please dump him - and do it now.

Honestly, after you've dumped him, you'll be able to laugh about his pathetic excuse "my arm hurt too much to write a birthday card"! :) :)

My mum used to say there are 2 types of people in this world, givers and takers, they never mix well.
Your partner is a taker your a giver.
I gather from your post your partner is living at home, presume he pays board to parents, does that not cover his food, if so why is he using food banks, hes not in need?
What is he doing with the rest of his wages bar travel to and from work, surely not using ALL of it to pay off debts, i think there is more to this much more, secret gambler or something else.
Id say run as fast as you can.

My spottyhanky and brightlight, our posts must of crossed totally agree.

Where did you find this wonderful prince of a man and has he got a brother?

I wonder if he's using a food bank because he's a bit tight, and sees it as a clever way to avoid paying for food and pay down his debt. From the rest of what you said, I worry he thinks he's found a clever thing to do.

Yes, when you dump him you could send him a video of that motivational speaker with no arms or legs who goes around the world on speaking tours - I watch them some times when I'm feeling sorry for myself, then realise how good I've got it having all my limbs.

Poor man his arm being so sore that he can't write a birthday card!!

Unfortunately this does not sound like a long term relationship can sustain with this man... it takes more than love/attraction to keep a relationship going through the ups and downs. He is already showing you what he is about, and as you have seemingly accepted it in his eyes, he is very unlikely to improve his attitude and start paying his way. It really isn't worth it and I do think it is better to be single, than to be used. In your gut you know it isn't right or you wouldn't have bothered write a post on it. Put yourself first, he certainly puts himself first.

Start the rest of your life OP. He's not a keeper. I am surprised he doesn't hop and croak.

Oh, OP. How did you get to have such low standards for yourself? You know he's taking the piss, but you're still trying to convince yourself there's some way he isn't using you to bankroll him, with sex on the side.

You don't have to put up with this. There are much better men out there, and you deserve one of them.

The fact that she had to ask him to buy her a card makes it even worse.

Could not even be bothered to ask his mum to sign it?

Or did his jaw hurt too much?

it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

You are so not worthless but you are in a relationship with someone who is not good for you.

I would earnestly encourage you to consider why you love someone who is do so bad for you. And yes maybe some therapy is what you need right now in order to disentangle why you think you love someone who treats you like this.

This is no way to live. You only have the one life. Start investing your money in yourself , to understand why you feel like this.

You are a beautiful human being who deserves so much better. Start now treating yourself well and avoid anyone who does not treat you well. All the very best.

He said his arm hurt too much to write it

That has to be the most pathetic lie ever to avoid a birthday card.

You don’t love him, you love an idea. He’s a selfish user and you deserve better.

another person voting for you to dump him

You deserve much better than this OP I hope you see all these messages and take heed

This relationship with this 'man' will bring you nothing but pain and misery.

Why are you going on so many dates that cost money? If you do stuff together that's cheap or free it would relieve the financial pressure from you both and ease your resentment.

Is he the one suggesting these dates or is it you?

Also, RE cinema, get yourself on Compare The Market, buy a travel insurance policy for 1 day for UK for £1 or £2 and you have 2 for 1 cinema for a year. Vue tickets are very cheap if you have one of them near you. Think £5 if you book online.

I can understand why you feel like you do but I do think it's silly to expect someone who uses food banks to be paying for extravagances like nights away and cinema trips.

Seems to be not really about money, but lack of effort. Obvs if he has no money he doesn't have it. But he's not thinking of ways to make up for his part is he? He could make you something. Take you somewhere. He could cook. How hard is it?

Given your very disparate earnings and his ease at getting you to pick up the bill, I don't see much of a future.

Not being able to write in your card? Come on.

Been there, done that. Believe me it never gets better. The most you might get when you tell him it’s over is a promise that things will change, a nice treat to convince you not to end the gravy train, and then things going back to normal after a few weeks.