I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.
He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…
Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!
Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.
This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.
I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.
I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?