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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL should make the decision herself and give me a firm answer?

212 replies

HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 08:01

I'll try and keep it short.

SIL (single parent) wants to go and view a house for a possible exchange tomorrow, and DN (7 and home educated) said she didn't want to go. I said I'd look after DN. This means taking a day off work, but as I'm self employed this is do-able if necessary and I want to support SIL. So I haven't scheduled any work for tomorrow. I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning. I said this wasn't ideal as I didn't really want to take a day off work for no reason (I'm a gardener, so can't just turn up without arranging with clients in advance) so could she let me know by this evening please.

SIL sent me this reply overnight... "I'm sorry but I can't give you the answer you want right now. I won't know until it's time to leave whether DN is coming with me or not, she can't decide and we will see how she feels in the morning. You said you'd look after her so if you aren't going to stick to your word and want to go to work instead, just say so and I'll know not to rely on you again". DN doesn't have any SEN etc, but SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything. Up to her, of course, but this is making me really frustrated as whilst I'm happy to take a day off to look after DN I'm not happy to be in limbo til it's too late for me to do anything else - I'm not well off, taking the day off is a favour to SIL because I want to help her out, but not something I want to do if it isn't actually necessary. I think under the circumstances SIL should tell DN what is happening not wait for her to decide last minute. She's welcome to centre everything round the whims of a 7 yr old but it's not really fair to impose that on other people who have offered to help her!

AIBU here?

OP posts:
Londiniumrocks · 25/10/2023 08:03

That’s flakey. The kid should just go. My kids go to stuff all the time that they’d prefer not to!

jiinglebells · 25/10/2023 08:04

Your SIL is being rather UR - you've offered to do a really nice thing (to your own detriment!) but it's polite and normal to confirm at least the day before you're needed, expecting you to take a day off work without confirmation you're actually needed is bonkers.

She might want to go by every whim of her child, but the adult working world doesn't go like that - DN could do with learning that asap.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 25/10/2023 08:05

I am irritated and raging for you, that's so passive aggressive. Is she used to being golden child and having family run around after her to her whims and that's why dd is allowed to behave the same?
Is it too late for you to work? She is basically telling you 'sit down, shut up and you'll do what we (dd and I) decide on our timetable).

NunsKnickers · 25/10/2023 08:05

The fact that she sent that rude message says it all really.

I wouldn't offer again.

theduchessofspork · 25/10/2023 08:05

I’ve voted YABU because it’s just bonkers to be taking time off work for no reason. Your SIL can easily take your niece, her parenting philosophy is her problem.

Why on earth are you bending over backwards for this selfish and rude woman?

heldinadream · 25/10/2023 08:05

"...I'll know not to rely on you again"
"Thank you, yes I think that's sensible. I'll know not to offer to help again and we'll leave it at that."
She's a CF OP.

FetchezLaVache · 25/10/2023 08:06

Your SIL is totally unreasonable IMO. You should either withdraw the offer (because there are consequences to her 'parenting philosophy') or warn her that you will be working and therefore DN will have to come with you and help out/sit in the van with a book. She can't expect to mess you about like that.

BitofaStramash · 25/10/2023 08:07

Your SIL is being completely self absorbed and unreasonable

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 25/10/2023 08:07

heldinadream · 25/10/2023 08:05

"...I'll know not to rely on you again"
"Thank you, yes I think that's sensible. I'll know not to offer to help again and we'll leave it at that."
She's a CF OP.

And this is best response, what does she want you to do beg to babysit? I'd bow put at the shitty response!

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 25/10/2023 08:07

Why did you offer to take the day off anyway? It's not something she needed childcare for - if she wants to move then she takes her DD to viewings or she doesn't go and doesn't get to move. Why were you offering to facilitate her ridiculous parenting and lose yourself a days wages??

GabriellaMontez · 25/10/2023 08:08

She's a Cf.

"I'm happy to rearrange work to look after dn, but only if its a firm arrangement, I can't afford to take time off for nothing."

spitefulandbadgrammar · 25/10/2023 08:10

heldinadream · 25/10/2023 08:05

"...I'll know not to rely on you again"
"Thank you, yes I think that's sensible. I'll know not to offer to help again and we'll leave it at that."
She's a CF OP.

This is perfect. Don’t put yourself out for this insane woman.

Yazzi · 25/10/2023 08:10

I would reply
"Unless it's an emergency, yes you are correct to decide you cannot rely on me to take a day off work on the 50/50 chance my niece will decide to come over. You can always count on me as reliable for plans confirmed at least 2 days in advance."

Beat her at her own pass agg game!

Original poster
HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 08:10

I offered because there are some difficult circumstances (that I'm not going to detail) around why they need to move. I was trying to be supportive!

OP posts:
jedwardscissorhands22 · 25/10/2023 08:10

Just to go work op. I wouldn't be losing money for this CF. If she decides she needs you to babysit reply 'sorry as the arrangements weren't confirmed I had to work instead, next time I need definite notice as I can't risk taking time off for no reason'

Then never offer again. It's all well and good letting her dd have freedom of choice but not when it inconveniences other people.

theduchessofspork · 25/10/2023 08:11

GabriellaMontez · 25/10/2023 08:08

She's a Cf.

"I'm happy to rearrange work to look after dn, but only if its a firm arrangement, I can't afford to take time off for nothing."

It is for nothing anyway.,

The SIL can easily take her daughter

Maddy70 · 25/10/2023 08:12

Just day you have booked clients in now. She will have ti take dn

LookItsMeAgain · 25/10/2023 08:12

Do you mind me asking why the relative she is directly related to (not sure if that is your brother or hers) isn't taking the time off to watch their niece?
I think I'd have to respond that any future arrangements like this should be made directly with that relative and this was a kindness you were offering her and her daughter and you won't be extending such offers going forwards. It will be up to her to arrange with that relative instead.
If they aren't available for her - tough shit.

Planesplanesplanes · 25/10/2023 08:13

heldinadream · 25/10/2023 08:05

"...I'll know not to rely on you again"
"Thank you, yes I think that's sensible. I'll know not to offer to help again and we'll leave it at that."
She's a CF OP.

A great reply.

theduchessofspork · 25/10/2023 08:13

HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 08:10

I offered because there are some difficult circumstances (that I'm not going to detail) around why they need to move. I was trying to be supportive!

But that’s got nothing to do with it. They don’t need a babysitter.

The SIL can still take your niece. Your niece having a whim and your SIL being appallingly entitled isn’t a reason for you to loose a days pay.

ZenNudist · 25/10/2023 08:14

How about "I have offered to do you a favour but you won't do me the courtesy of a firm plan. You said you needed me to look after DN. If you are not going to stick to your word and bring DN over tomorrow then I am going to arrange to work."

StrangePaintName · 25/10/2023 08:14

Just go to work, OP. Your job can’t wait for the whims of an indulged child. And explain tartly to SIL just why she’s being entitled and unreasonable.

RandomButtons · 25/10/2023 08:15

Wow, she’s shown you how much she values you. I’m also self employed and so many people don’t get it. You can’t just shift stuff around last minute.

No more offers to help where you have to take a day off. It’s your livelihood.

GrumpyOldCrone · 25/10/2023 08:16

If SIL is a single parent and home schooling DN, does this mean she doesn’t have a job? Because it sounds like she has no understanding of how most people have to organise their lives (i.e. around work, in order to eat).

I don’t think I’d want someone to ‘rely’ on me if they had no understanding of my circumstances.

Dacadactyl · 25/10/2023 08:16

I suspect these "difficult circumstances" around why she needs to move are all of her own bloody doing. Jokers like her get themselves into trouble and think it's everyone else's job to get them out of the hole they've dug for themselves.

I'd text back "OK no worries, I'll be working instead."