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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL should make the decision herself and give me a firm answer?

212 replies

HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 08:01

I'll try and keep it short.

SIL (single parent) wants to go and view a house for a possible exchange tomorrow, and DN (7 and home educated) said she didn't want to go. I said I'd look after DN. This means taking a day off work, but as I'm self employed this is do-able if necessary and I want to support SIL. So I haven't scheduled any work for tomorrow. I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning. I said this wasn't ideal as I didn't really want to take a day off work for no reason (I'm a gardener, so can't just turn up without arranging with clients in advance) so could she let me know by this evening please.

SIL sent me this reply overnight... "I'm sorry but I can't give you the answer you want right now. I won't know until it's time to leave whether DN is coming with me or not, she can't decide and we will see how she feels in the morning. You said you'd look after her so if you aren't going to stick to your word and want to go to work instead, just say so and I'll know not to rely on you again". DN doesn't have any SEN etc, but SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything. Up to her, of course, but this is making me really frustrated as whilst I'm happy to take a day off to look after DN I'm not happy to be in limbo til it's too late for me to do anything else - I'm not well off, taking the day off is a favour to SIL because I want to help her out, but not something I want to do if it isn't actually necessary. I think under the circumstances SIL should tell DN what is happening not wait for her to decide last minute. She's welcome to centre everything round the whims of a 7 yr old but it's not really fair to impose that on other people who have offered to help her!

AIBU here?

OP posts:
Princessfluffy · 25/10/2023 08:17

Surely no big deal if a seven year old has to come along to a house viewing when they would prefer to do something else?
Assume it will be 30 mins max? Or they can wait in the car outside.

I'd save your days off work to help her for situations that really warrant it OP.

WaltzingWaters · 25/10/2023 08:17

What a completely flakey CF!
Just say what you’ve said here so it’s on her. “I’m happy to take the day off if I’m needed and would love to spend time with DN, but I can’t really afford to take the day off for no reason so will need a definite answer today”.

Though really, she shouldn’t be asking you to take a day off for something she can take her child along to!

Princessfluffy · 25/10/2023 08:18

Also how can she home school her child if she is a single parent? Doesn't she need to work?!!!

blackbeardsballsack · 25/10/2023 08:18

She is the most unreasonable person I have read about on here for ages!

Wrongsideofpennines · 25/10/2023 08:21

It's fine for niece to make the decision if that's how she wants to parent but there needs to be deadlines. So tell her that's fine as long as she decides by 10am (or whatever works for you) or you'll have to book in clients anyway.

Otherwise you can never plan anything - no theatre tickets, train journeys, holidays booked etc just incase she doesn't want to go on the day. I'm sure your SIL is happy to throw money away when it's someone else's but not her own.

ToadOnTheHill · 25/10/2023 08:22

I'd be making it crystal fucking clear that her "relying on you" isnt a privilege.

"I appreciate your position, however I have rearranged work, work which involves clients who rely on me to be reliable, therefore letting them down and rescheduling isnt possible as it makes me look flaky and risks my income. I was more than happy to lose income to look after niece, but to lose income to sit around waiting "just in case" feels really unfair. This has obviously upset us both and so I think for the sake of family relations, going forward I think it is best you rely on others. I genuinely hope the viewing goes well and that niece enjoys the viewing and that there wont he any awkwardness now that we have set out our positions."

WTLife · 25/10/2023 08:24

Just go to work. Tell your sister what someone suggested up thread. I wouldn't accept not being able to make firm plans.

Phleghm · 25/10/2023 08:24

Bonkers parenting philosophy for a home schooled child. What if the daughter doesn't want to do work, ever?!

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 25/10/2023 08:27

Another self employed person here and you are definitely NOT BU. She is being ridiculous! What a farce. The kid is 7, not 7 months old!

And that snarky last comment about relying on you! Bitch! I'd combine some of the excellent suggestions for replies you've had on here and fire back.

Or send her the link to the thread but maybe not wise for future relations ... she sounds like she'd be on NetHuns anyway.

rainbowstardrops · 25/10/2023 08:28

How rude of her!!! This child is going to have a shock coming to her if she's brought up to think she can be flaky and everything revolves around her.
Why didn't your SIL sell it to her that it'll be exciting to see her potential new bedroom etc?

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/10/2023 08:29

Sounds like a real shitshow, home educating my arse! Letting the child rule the roost just a recipe for disaster

Globules · 25/10/2023 08:29

At the age of 7, you tell them if they're coming or not coming.

She's storing up a whole heap of trouble for herself later by letting a 7 yr old rule to roost.

DN is an only child I presume?

LittleMissUnreasonable · 25/10/2023 08:35

It's funny how parents like your SiL who think they're so "child led and centric" don't seem to realise the world can't put themselves on hold for their child. She's raising her daughter to think her decisions come above everyone else and everyone else can just put their life on hold to wait for her to make her mind up. Good luck when she hits her teens...
I did laugh at the message where she said "I'll know not to rely on you again". Sure you'll be devastated to not have to take a days holiday to wait for a 7 year old to make her mind up.... The entitlement is baffling

Iwasafool · 25/10/2023 08:35

I'd learn my lesson and never offer again.

Worddance · 25/10/2023 08:36

What a selfish sister raising a selfish child. I'm surprised you made the offer knowing what they can be like.

Notquitegrownup2 · 25/10/2023 08:40

You have been incredibly kind taking a day off work to support your sil, at a difficult time. Just this once I'd let this go, even if it is a total pain for you. Her dd may well be playing up, picking up on the vibes of the difficulties at home. Your sil might not want a stressful drop off before viewing the property, and may be taking the line of least resistance here.

But her message was incredibly rude. I would let it ride, just this once - but be much more careful about taking time off in the future.

TimeForACider · 25/10/2023 08:41

What a cow your SIL is!! I most definitely wouldn’t be rushing to do her any favours in the future after that. How do some people have the knack of turning things around and painting themselves as the ‘victim’ when actually they’re the cheeky fucker. Beats me 🤷‍♀️

Hankunamatata · 25/10/2023 08:45

Urgh sound shard work but guessing not entirely unexpected with her whole child led ethos. Could u go with them to view the house if the dc wants to go at least won't feel like a wasted day

diddl · 25/10/2023 08:46

I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning.

Tbh that's when you should have said that that wasn't convenient for you & you would make a decision & that was that you would work.

dicedicebaby · 25/10/2023 08:49

YANBU, that would really annoy me.

Personally, I'd text her tonight and say you want a decision so you can plan your day, and if she wants to cut her nose off to spite her face by losing your support going forward, that's on her.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/10/2023 08:50

I would just go back and say

hi xxxx sorry you feel so snarky about my offer, however as you know I agreed to take the day off to help, however if you don’t need the help I don’t need to take the day off, as really i can’t afford to loose the money on the whims of a 7 year old. And as you know i can’t suddenly turn up. I agree with you that it’s probably best you don’t rely on my support moving forward.

job done

and I agree a 7 year old shouldn’t be dictating

AdoraBell · 25/10/2023 08:51

YANBU.

MeridianB · 25/10/2023 08:52

You gave her a really generous offer. SIL is now taking the p*ss. Who on earth thinks it’s OK to mess around with someone’s livelihood on a whim? So decide for her and tell her you’ve booked work.

“SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything.”

This is a great way to do absolutely zero parenting and then neatly pass the responsibility and blame for everything onto a 7yo. This child deserves better!

Ithouught · 25/10/2023 08:52

Exactly what jedwardscissorhands22 said.
I must remember this myself in future!

Moobootoyoutoo · 25/10/2023 08:55

Massive assumptions on my part which is never good, however I get the distinct feeling this is a homeschooling parent that is choosing to do that as they 'don't believe in the system'

Until it comes to state subsidised benefits, including house swaps

Really hope I'm just narrow minded and wrong.

Op, lovely of you to offer and sorry your kindness has been repaid this way

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