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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL should make the decision herself and give me a firm answer?

212 replies

HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 08:01

I'll try and keep it short.

SIL (single parent) wants to go and view a house for a possible exchange tomorrow, and DN (7 and home educated) said she didn't want to go. I said I'd look after DN. This means taking a day off work, but as I'm self employed this is do-able if necessary and I want to support SIL. So I haven't scheduled any work for tomorrow. I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning. I said this wasn't ideal as I didn't really want to take a day off work for no reason (I'm a gardener, so can't just turn up without arranging with clients in advance) so could she let me know by this evening please.

SIL sent me this reply overnight... "I'm sorry but I can't give you the answer you want right now. I won't know until it's time to leave whether DN is coming with me or not, she can't decide and we will see how she feels in the morning. You said you'd look after her so if you aren't going to stick to your word and want to go to work instead, just say so and I'll know not to rely on you again". DN doesn't have any SEN etc, but SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything. Up to her, of course, but this is making me really frustrated as whilst I'm happy to take a day off to look after DN I'm not happy to be in limbo til it's too late for me to do anything else - I'm not well off, taking the day off is a favour to SIL because I want to help her out, but not something I want to do if it isn't actually necessary. I think under the circumstances SIL should tell DN what is happening not wait for her to decide last minute. She's welcome to centre everything round the whims of a 7 yr old but it's not really fair to impose that on other people who have offered to help her!

AIBU here?

OP posts:
gemma19846 · 27/10/2023 17:57

I take it SIL doesnt work if DN is home ed so shes no idea about working to support her family. What a cheeky f*er. Id text her back saying if you cant let me know in advance then i will have to assume you dont need me and i will work as normal. Do NOT offer again

Magicmama92 · 27/10/2023 19:26

I'd respond with:
By taking time off work I'm loosing money. I'm happy to do that but it's also your responsibility to give me enough notice especially as I'm doing a favour. The rude reply you've given is not only unhelpful but not at all acceptable when you know I could be working instead.

I'd not offer again and if she asks why say because she's unreliable and you can't afford not to work if then your n again can't pick what to do.

So irritating as a mum myself I'd say to my child well your going over to stay because that's what you said initially and it's tough.

FarFarAwayB · 27/10/2023 19:41

OP, I think you are a lovely person. Please don’t lose your kind heart.

JLou08 · 27/10/2023 21:36

I like encouraging children to make their own decisions but there needs to be limits to that just like there is with adults. If I was her mum I would be saying you decided not to go and now you can't as aunt has taken time off or saying you are coming and have no choice now as Aunt is working.
I think your SIL has been very rude and inconsiderate, if I was you I'd be tempted to tell her I will not be rearranging any work for her again and making it clear the world doesn't revolve around her child.

GreatGardenstuff · 28/10/2023 07:17

Withdraw your offer. You can’t lose a day’s work at the whim of a 7yo. Your SIL is being a very choosy beggar by not confirming. I don’t thinks she’s actually doing her DD any favours pandering to her and expecting others to do the same.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/10/2023 07:42

Catastrophejane · 26/10/2023 14:17

Exactly this!

I think you’d be wise not to offer again.

my blood boils with people like this. I’m guessing as she’s a single parent in social housing (who is home schooling) she is relying on benefits?

This has clearly skewed her view and she doesn’t realise that some of us have to work for a living.

I say that as a single parent and socialist, but some people just massively take the piss!

she’s going to have a shock when DN is 18 and she’s expected to get a job.

Show quote history

You know what makes my blood boil ? Posters resorting to benefit bashing when there’s absolutely no evidence to support what they’re saying. OP clearly mentioned that there are difficult circumstances, and we have absolutely no idea what they could be. Might be a DV situation, maybe DD is disabled. And there is absolutely nothing in the OPs posts to suggest SiL is reliant on benefits or that she has never worked. You might want to try remembering that a lot of benefit claimants have worked and contributed to the benefits they rely on when things get difficult. That’s what the system is for. Making huge assumptions like this is unhelpful and divisive.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/10/2023 07:51

Catastrophejane · 26/10/2023 14:33

I’m really torn about this. I get that the vast majority of people on benefits are in difficult circumstances. But it’s people like this that give ammunition to those who think everyone on benefits is ‘lazy’.

OP said that DN has no SEN or learning difficulties.

Perhaps there’s a reason SIL can’t work, but with the selfish attitude she has shown to OP, I detect a major CF!

Many people working full time on low income quite rightly have resentment when they see people living comfortably on benefits.

I don’t think it’s wrong to question this.

Show quote history

I’ve worked in welfare for a lot of years and I don’t know anyone who lives ‘comfortably’ on benefits. OP has indeed said that there is no SEN or learning difficulties but she hasn’t said if there is other disability. What she did say, and the benefit bashers have clearly missed it, is this:

Not engaging with the benefit bashing posts etc, SIL is very nice (well, usually very nice!) and has valid reasons for needing support and for home educating. The move will hopefully make it possible for DN to get back to school and SIL back to work

I think it’s also quite possible that there is a DV situation here. And I do think it’s wrong for posters to introduce the topic of benefits if not directly relevant, because otherwise, as this poster rightly said, it’s none of anyone’s business. It’s just an excuse for the benefit bashing that’s becoming depressingly common on MN.

lilmadmel · 28/10/2023 08:35

“That’s ok, I won’t rely on you to appreciate when someone is bending over backwards and putting themselves out to do you a favour in the future” 😂

Tiredandgrumpy31 · 28/10/2023 08:57

Wow I think your SIL sounds incredibly entitled. Fine, she wants to let DN make the decision but she is a parent who should be teaching DN about boundaries, timescales, consideration for others. As a parent, she needs to say ‘It is your choice whether you come or not, but you have to decide tonight so that your aunt can make arrangements not to work’. I think the worse thing is then turning it around on you to suggest you are being the one who is unreliable when you are going out of your way to help.

qwerty123454 · 28/10/2023 09:18

No good deed goes unpunished

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 28/10/2023 09:22

HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 15:04

SIL really isn't normally a CF, she's a bit on her own planet at the moment due to aforementioned difficult circumstances and she is a bit batshit wet overly cooperative with her DC, but I do genuinely like her. This is kind of typical of her parenting style, just usually it wouldn't affect me so I've never been annoyed by it before!

You’re a better person than me, I wouldn’t message anyone again who was so rude to me.

letloz · 28/10/2023 09:55

I appreciate wanting to give her child the chance to make a decision, but giving them that right, it should come with the responsibility that we all have to sometimes have to make a decision in advance , and stick to it. She shouldn't expect the world to go on hold waiting for her child's decisions. So no YANBU.

Shuzzazall · 28/10/2023 15:29

I genuinely fear for this child’s future when they realise the rest of the world will not revolve around their every whim/ ‘feeling in the morning’

don’t enable this rubbish OP!

society is built on mutual respect, favours and reciprocity. This behaviour is none of these things….

good luck!!

loserssaywhat · 28/10/2023 18:59

I haven’t read the entire thread but I think your Sil is ludicrous to allow the whims and notions of a 7 year old to dictate how this plays out. I would try to rearrange with your clients and go to work. Ridiculous.

junbean · 28/10/2023 19:02

If she's wanting to let kids make decisions that's fine, but part of decision making is timeliness. I also let mine make decisions but if they don't hurry up I'll make it for them. She's being very disrespectful towards you and I personally wouldn't watch DN at this point no matter what.

Greenpolkadot · 28/10/2023 19:08

Your sil is a cf.
Your dn can't make up her mind so make it up for her.
Your a grown woman with responsibilities, you don't attendance to the whims of a kid

MagicFarawayTea · 28/10/2023 19:45

She’s a passive aggressive cheeky fucker.

PeppermintPaddy1 · 28/10/2023 19:47

No, no, no people. The correct response is "hey, no worries" and then make no further replies. It doesn't actually address the nonsense SIL is spouting, and leaves her entirely in limbo. Perhaps then she will understand how irritating it is. OP, it is not reasonable to facilitate other people's thoughtlessness. OP go to work.

Winnipeg23 · 28/10/2023 20:03

I'd keep my distance from now on. She's not a good person to have around. Let someone else be her good Samaritan and get the royal run around.

Bloom15 · 28/10/2023 20:27

ZenNudist · 25/10/2023 08:14

How about "I have offered to do you a favour but you won't do me the courtesy of a firm plan. You said you needed me to look after DN. If you are not going to stick to your word and bring DN over tomorrow then I am going to arrange to work."

Yep!

What a rude cow! And her child rearing 'philosophy' will result in a brat

LalaPaloosa · 28/10/2023 20:30

No good deed goes unpunished…

wildwestpioneer · 28/10/2023 20:47

I know the situation has resolved itself but your SIL was being very unreasonable. If she pulls something similar I'd make the decision for her, I'd have said to her that because she can't tell you what's going to happen you've accepted work so will be taking it as you can't really afford to take time off for nothing.

As you said, lesson learnt and don't offer next time

AllyArty · 28/10/2023 21:18

She a selfish piece of work. Don’t allow yourself to be at her beck and call. I know of v few aunties that would schedule a day off for a niece or nephew for a non emergency situation. You offered to help out of kindness. What does she expect you to do if, at the eleventh hour, your presence is not required?

DoughBallss · 28/10/2023 21:44

She’s not taking the decision away from her daughter she just needs to give her a deadline it’s really not that difficult. She is being very unreasonable

What a waste of time and money having a day off if she does decide to go, surely anyone would understand that?

Tandora · 28/10/2023 21:52

Wow your SIL might be the rudest , most self absorbed and entitled parent on earth!! (And there’s a lot of competition 😂). So angry on your behalf OP. You sound generous and supportive and this is how you are treated?! Outrageous.