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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL should make the decision herself and give me a firm answer?

212 replies

HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 08:01

I'll try and keep it short.

SIL (single parent) wants to go and view a house for a possible exchange tomorrow, and DN (7 and home educated) said she didn't want to go. I said I'd look after DN. This means taking a day off work, but as I'm self employed this is do-able if necessary and I want to support SIL. So I haven't scheduled any work for tomorrow. I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning. I said this wasn't ideal as I didn't really want to take a day off work for no reason (I'm a gardener, so can't just turn up without arranging with clients in advance) so could she let me know by this evening please.

SIL sent me this reply overnight... "I'm sorry but I can't give you the answer you want right now. I won't know until it's time to leave whether DN is coming with me or not, she can't decide and we will see how she feels in the morning. You said you'd look after her so if you aren't going to stick to your word and want to go to work instead, just say so and I'll know not to rely on you again". DN doesn't have any SEN etc, but SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything. Up to her, of course, but this is making me really frustrated as whilst I'm happy to take a day off to look after DN I'm not happy to be in limbo til it's too late for me to do anything else - I'm not well off, taking the day off is a favour to SIL because I want to help her out, but not something I want to do if it isn't actually necessary. I think under the circumstances SIL should tell DN what is happening not wait for her to decide last minute. She's welcome to centre everything round the whims of a 7 yr old but it's not really fair to impose that on other people who have offered to help her!

AIBU here?

OP posts:
cansu · 25/10/2023 09:24

She sounds rude and ungrateful. Tell her you will be working and are no longer able to help . She sounds completely bonkers and I bet she does virtually no work with her dd. If she can't make a simple decision how on earth can she parent her child.

pythonny · 25/10/2023 09:24

I moved a lot as a child under traumatic (well, to me) circumstances and all of the viewings were depressing reality sucker punches. I would have appreciated if I had been given a choice as to whether to come along, and just brought along to maybe the final few choices. So I think DN being allowed to decide isn't really the issue.

SIL's entitlement and paggro is terrible. I wouldn't want to force DN to the viewing but equally I wouldn't want to force you to wait around in uncertainty and potentially lose income unneccessarily. In SIL's case I would be very clear that it's my problem and not yours, and agree to an earlier deadline to let you know, and then figure out the rest myself.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 25/10/2023 09:26

WildfirePonie · 25/10/2023 09:19

It's half term this week.

The dd is home-schooled.

Silvers11 · 25/10/2023 09:27

Bellyblueboy · 25/10/2023 09:20

your SIL is awful and using emotional blackmail to guilt you into helping.

I would reply

’i think this has gotten unnecessarily heated. I am ofcourse always happy to help, but I had hoped you could appreciate I don’t want to lose a days work for no reason. You can rely on me to stick to concrete plans, but I can’t take a day off speculatively. I am sorry you now think you can’t rely on me, that’s not the case. But from this point on I can only take days off work to babysit if you are certain you will need me. I hope you can respect my boundary on this.’

@HauntedGusset This is the best reply of those offered. Still trying to maintain a reasonable relationship without letting SIL away with her behaviour?

Nomorelittlebabybum · 25/10/2023 09:30

Your offer was really kind. However, your SIL is totally unreasonable and has questionable parenting strategies. I would stick to what you had offered - to look after DN with notice as of last night, which you didn’t have so you are going to work. You offered to look after them and set the very fair conditions which she didn’t accept.
what about when DN wakes up at 20 and decides they would rather not get up for work, clean their house etc? Life is all about having to do tasks we would rather not

AbacusAvocado · 25/10/2023 09:31

@TheSpikySpinosaurus i suspect @WildfirePonie was subtly implying that threads started during half-term are less likely to be reliable. Lots of bored teenagers at home. Any more direct accusation would be troll hunting which is not allowed.

Deathwillbebutapause · 25/10/2023 09:32

"Offer withdrawn because of your rudeness, fuckface."

Catsfrontbum · 25/10/2023 09:33

Silvers11 · 25/10/2023 09:27

@HauntedGusset This is the best reply of those offered. Still trying to maintain a reasonable relationship without letting SIL away with her behaviour?

Show quote history

I agree. Good clear reply with your position set.

StrangePaintName · 25/10/2023 09:33

Deathwillbebutapause · 25/10/2023 09:32

"Offer withdrawn because of your rudeness, fuckface."

That has a kind of pithiness!

TripleDaisySummer · 25/10/2023 09:33

It's funny how parents like your SiL who think they're so "child led and centric" don't seem to realise the world can't put themselves on hold for their child.

This.

I'd text back okay no firm plans will work tomorrow rather than lose money on off chance of being needed.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 25/10/2023 09:39

I still find it unbelievable that there are people out there so inconsiderate and unaware of their blatantly unreasonable behaviour. Your sil is a cheeky guilt tripping cow. I wouldn't be offering to help her again

Dweetfidilove · 25/10/2023 09:40

Nah. I couldn’t deal with this level of entitlement.

Just go to work.

Original poster
HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 09:40

Not sure what half term has to do with anything? It's actually not half term in the county I live in anyway, my DC are off next week!

The problem has solved itself anyway. The house she was meant to be viewing is no longer available. The lord works in mysterious ways 🤣

Going forward I simply won't offer again. Lesson learned.

Not engaging with the benefit bashing posts etc, SIL is very nice (well, usually very nice!) and has valid reasons for needing support and for home educating. The move will hopefully make it possible for DN to get back to school and SIL back to work so I want to support her but this just felt absolutely ridiculous!

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 25/10/2023 09:45

"I'm sorry your house fell though SIL. I did not appreciate how you responded to a very reasonable request to know whether I take time off work or not. I'm here to support you but I have obligations too. I think you should reflect on how you responded and where that comes from".

Rosscameasdoody · 25/10/2023 09:47

Tell her that you arranged work around what she originally requested but that you can’t afford to miss work for nothing. And that you’re happy to help out in the future as long as she realises that arrangements need to be firm, with some notice if they change, so that you can make work plans to suit.

I suspect she realises she’s being unreasonable because the message she sent overnight is nothing short of emotional blackmail, designed to keep you on side. Don’t fall for it. If her circumstances are as difficult as you say, then she shouldn’t be messing about the one person who is trying to support her.

Rosscameasdoody · 25/10/2023 09:50

Deathwillbebutapause · 25/10/2023 09:32

"Offer withdrawn because of your rudeness, fuckface."

Short, pithy, and to the point. Well done 🤣

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 25/10/2023 09:51

dear SIL, sorry but I can't arrange my work schedule around last minute whims of anyone else as my clients have expectations of me and I need my income from them. I'd be happy to look after niece and love spending time with both of you, but I do need some notice so I don't let my clients down. As you're unable to let me know in time for me to work out my work schedule it's probably best to say I can't help this time. Let's get together soon :-)

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/10/2023 09:52

Globules · 25/10/2023 08:29

At the age of 7, you tell them if they're coming or not coming.

She's storing up a whole heap of trouble for herself later by letting a 7 yr old rule to roost.

DN is an only child I presume?

Definitely! When I was that age or younger it was either “you’re coming with us”. Or if I could stay at home with one DP or alternative, then you’re staying there. And a firm, make up your mind if you’re coming or not if I was on the fence.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/10/2023 09:52

If I’d received that snotty message I’d reply “ok, thanks, I’ll work then” and would t offer again. Bloody cheek.

TripleDaisySummer · 25/10/2023 09:52

Going forward I simply won't offer again. Lesson learned.

Glad the situation is now sorted and I'd agree lesson learnt don't offer again.

NancyJoan · 25/10/2023 09:52

WildfirePonie · 25/10/2023 09:19

It's half term this week.

Where you live, perhaps.

Turfwars · 25/10/2023 09:54

She's creating a rod for her own back tbh.
I can understand when a kid flip flops on a decision, but sometimes you've got to force them to decide and if they regret their choice, then it's a learning moment for them.

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2023 09:56

I hope you have replied in a firm but fair fashion about your reliability and fixed plans.

I’m sure she’s stressed, I’m sure whatever it is that means DN has to be homeschooled plays into the thinking/decision-making process but it was a rude message so she needs to be (nicely) told so.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 25/10/2023 09:56

@HauntedGusset Thank you for being so lovely. When it isn't appreciated that is their problem. The world needs a lot more people like you in it OP 🪷🪷🪷

Sturnidae · 25/10/2023 09:57

Oof. This isn't child-led, this is child dictated. We're a child-led HE family (I suppose we're unschoolers by popular terms, but it's often co-opted by people like this so I don't like to use it), but that doesn't mean that our children dictate our lives or others. They are welcome to decide what their own plans are for the day and have a voice in our family plans, but we don't screw others over, especially those trying to help us. She's 7, she's entirely capable to understand that her needs shouldn't supersede others.