To think SIL should make the decision herself and give me a firm answer?

[HauntedGusset]

I'll try and keep it short.

SIL (single parent) wants to go and view a house for a possible exchange tomorrow, and DN (7 and home educated) said she didn't want to go. I said I'd look after DN. This means taking a day off work, but as I'm self employed this is do-able if necessary and I want to support SIL. So I haven't scheduled any work for tomorrow. I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning. I said this wasn't ideal as I didn't really want to take a day off work for no reason (I'm a gardener, so can't just turn up without arranging with clients in advance) so could she let me know by this evening please.

SIL sent me this reply overnight... "I'm sorry but I can't give you the answer you want right now. I won't know until it's time to leave whether DN is coming with me or not, she can't decide and we will see how she feels in the morning. You said you'd look after her so if you aren't going to stick to your word and want to go to work instead, just say so and I'll know not to rely on you again". DN doesn't have any SEN etc, but SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything. Up to her, of course, but this is making me really frustrated as whilst I'm happy to take a day off to look after DN I'm not happy to be in limbo til it's too late for me to do anything else - I'm not well off, taking the day off is a favour to SIL because I want to help her out, but not something I want to do if it isn't actually necessary. I think under the circumstances SIL should tell DN what is happening not wait for her to decide last minute. She's welcome to centre everything round the whims of a 7 yr old but it's not really fair to impose that on other people who have offered to help her!

AIBU here?

If I received that message back I would withdraw my offer......pick one of the replys above .she is very inconsiderate of you.

Btw, if she did want to give the child the genuine choice, she just needed to set the appropriate deadline for that choice - ‘DN, it’s OK to decide later today, but I need to know by 6pm’.

Setting the time for the choice to be made is her responsibility, and she set the wrong one by thinking it’s OK to say on the morning of.

I think benefit bashing like this is really unpleasant. You have no idea what the difficult circumstances OP has described as applying to SiL actually are. My nephew is autistic and SiL has had no choice but to take time out from work to home school him because the LA are having difficulty placing him, and if you’d read any of the numerous threads on MN from parents in similar circumstances, you would know it’s pretty common. Benefit fraud isn’t as prevalent as the Tories would have you believe, and benefits in general are designed for ‘difficult’ circumstances. You might want to remember that the next time you’re tempted to make similar comments.

Why do people feel the need to benefit bash without knowing a single thing about circumstances ?

None of your business! She may be a disabled parent for all you know. I'm severely disabled (& widowed) and unable to work and I home schooled my child for 6 months earlier this year.

(Before you make a cocky remark, I had no choice as her school closed and there were no spaces locally)

She was really rude. The right reply would have been to acknowledge it was inconvenient and say if you wanted to arrange work, she understood.

I’d have to say something.

You clearly missed the part about the difficult circumstances that apply here. Might be worth reigning in the judgement, as we don’t know what those are.

@HauntedGusset
Your sil still needs to know what she did is not acceptable.

Yes! She is being very unreasonable!

You were being supportive and kind to offer OP, she was being rude and entitled expecting you to wait around for them just in case dc needed a babysitter. I wouldn’t be so quick to offer in future and let her work it out for herself.
At least this is sorted for now.

And to correct an earlier poster, you don’t get benefits for home educating. If a home ed parent gets into a situation where they need benefits they are treated the same as any other claimant.

Why can’t dn, if she is expected to make her own decisions, Judy make the decision.

Whilst it is nice to keep your options open, when it involves other people then you need to decide what you are doing. Other people are not just going to wait around for you to make a decisions. People have their own lives to lead.

Whilst giving children decisions to make at a young age is a good idea and more people should do it. I think the decisions should be kept small and age appropriate. When it comes to making a decision which will cost someone a days wages then that isn’t a decision you can have a 7 year old to make.

If you do ask the child and they have decided then that decision has to be stuck with

A lesson on making a decision and the consequences are a good lesson to be learned

Learn from this situation and don't offer again unless SIL is prepared to compromise on her parenting style !

There is child centred parenting and there is lazy parenting. This is the second.

It's perfectly possible to give choices to 7 year olds. You just need to include part two. Up-to-you darling, but Aunty Claire needs to know by 6, or she can't take the day off and you will have to come with me.

Just make her a exsil.

I'd so it this time to keep the peace - but inwouldnt get involved again if that is SIL's response. I think you did a nice thing and were reasonable, but giving DN thr choice up until it is time to go would pass me off. But lesson learnt and don't offer again.

Id message back

I have no issue with sticking to my word and taking care of DN, my issue is wasting a day off work when I could be earning money whilst you leave DN to decide. Let me know by 1.30pm if you do need me or not, then I can rearrange my customers accordingly. Whilst I very much want to support you, its being made difficult by your own actions.

You are lovely, OP, and I think it's great that you wanted to support your SIL since she and your DN have been having difficulties. Your SIL needs to try to see things more from other people's perspective, rather than focusing just on her and her child's perspective, but maybe that's difficult for her right now if there are reasons why she is stressed and she has limited free emotional bandwidth atm.

While I agree with giving children some autonomy and choice in their lives, I think we can take this to extremes since the reality is, even as adults, there are lots of things we just have to do and that's tough. A few months ago, for example, I ended up having to go to hospital with my baby at the worst possible time (DH was out of the country for work), and so my 5yo spent the entire evening until after 11pm sat in hospital with me waiting for the baby to be seen and treated with nothing very much to do, and then had to go to school the next day. It was grim and obviously less than ideal, but sometimes we all have to do things we don't like and make the best of it.

Yes, that was very rude of her - if she's usually very nice, hopefully it was just a blip due to stress!

Dear SIL, I offered to lose a day of paid work to do you a favour. You are messing me about. You'll just have to take her with you I'm afraid.

I think @Bellyblueboy
response is the best or even more restrained one.
Probably your SIL just snapped under all issues: maybe there is a resistance towards moving from DN , at 7 she can be very vocal, and generally moving is very stressful, and it seems they are going to a popular location which makes it more difficult. Plus home schooling is not easy either.
So I would let it one go, you are definitely not unreasonable.

Your SIL is a prick

You are a very nice family member. I wish I had more family like you. Your SIL is rather taking the piss.

That is an unbelievably passive aggressive reply from your SIL. I'd be tempted to tell her to go f* herself tbh.

Yanbu. Fine if she wants the daughter to make her own decisions but she needs to let her know that there’s a deadline for making a decision as it affects you and your plans. Ie “decide in the next 10 minutes so that I can let aunty hauntedgusset know if she needs to take the day off work to look after you”. It’s common decency, especially when you’re prepared to put yourself out for her.

Wow!

I would say something like-

I understand you are going through a difficult time and I’m trying to help, I’m still happy to look after x if you can let me know tonight.

If that’s not possible I will make arrangements to work as I can’t afford to take the day off.

If you don’t want to rely on me on the future that’s completely your choice but just to be clear I’m happy to help if I can.