To think SIL should make the decision herself and give me a firm answer?

[HauntedGusset]

I'll try and keep it short.

SIL (single parent) wants to go and view a house for a possible exchange tomorrow, and DN (7 and home educated) said she didn't want to go. I said I'd look after DN. This means taking a day off work, but as I'm self employed this is do-able if necessary and I want to support SIL. So I haven't scheduled any work for tomorrow. I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning. I said this wasn't ideal as I didn't really want to take a day off work for no reason (I'm a gardener, so can't just turn up without arranging with clients in advance) so could she let me know by this evening please.

SIL sent me this reply overnight... "I'm sorry but I can't give you the answer you want right now. I won't know until it's time to leave whether DN is coming with me or not, she can't decide and we will see how she feels in the morning. You said you'd look after her so if you aren't going to stick to your word and want to go to work instead, just say so and I'll know not to rely on you again". DN doesn't have any SEN etc, but SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything. Up to her, of course, but this is making me really frustrated as whilst I'm happy to take a day off to look after DN I'm not happy to be in limbo til it's too late for me to do anything else - I'm not well off, taking the day off is a favour to SIL because I want to help her out, but not something I want to do if it isn't actually necessary. I think under the circumstances SIL should tell DN what is happening not wait for her to decide last minute. She's welcome to centre everything round the whims of a 7 yr old but it's not really fair to impose that on other people who have offered to help her!

AIBU here?

This 👍
She's incredibly rude

Say “that’s fine. I’ve offered the time to some clients, but haven’t heard back yet. I wont be able to let you know if I’m available to babysit or not until it’s time for you to leave, so just ring then and I’ll let you know”.

I'm glad it has resolved itself. For the next (inevitable) time, sometimes no reply is needed beyond "Noted".

Brilliant !

Dear SIL
My kind intention to help you out tomorrow is withdrawn as I am not in a position to loose a days wage unnecessarily.
Happy to help in future but will need firm confirmation 24 hours ahead. Such is life in the adult world and it would be advantageous to stop being a selfish cf display this mature behaviour for the
benefit of DN.

DN can make her own decision but has to make it on your timescales. She’s not the centre of the universe and the sooner she’s learned that, the better!

This is inspired and had the situation not resolved itself I would have been very tempted to use that!

SIL really isn't normally a CF, she's a bit on her own planet at the moment due to aforementioned difficult circumstances and she is a bit batshit wet overly cooperative with her DC, but I do genuinely like her. This is kind of typical of her parenting style, just usually it wouldn't affect me so I've never been annoyed by it before!

Not being unreasonable at all!

Perfect!!

Ugh, what a horror! As if I’d stand for that! OP your to kind, I’d be replying back saying “you can rely on yourself in future then there won’t be any issues will there ☺️”

then I’d definitely take a step back from her! So ungrateful! She should be thankful you were offering to help!

She's rude and living on another planet. Don't offer again, let her sort out her own mess.

I do t know how to say it politely, so I’m just going to come straight out with it - your SIL is deluded. She can raise her child how she likes, but if she thinks anyone can afford to take a day off to ‘maybe’ look after her child, she’s not living in the real world. I’d reply saying I’ll happily look after her, but due to the nature of my work I need 24 hours notice. She’s obviously not desperate for help as her reply to you was nothing short of rude :-)

SIL is unreasonable.

Your sister in law is the one being unreasonable here. And rude frankly. I’d go back to her and say “I'm not happy at all that you are saying I’m unreliable. I am happy to take a day off work to care for X which will mean me losing £xx, as a favour to you and X. However I am not happy to wait until the last minute for a decision as I could then end up losing my income for no reason. If you cannot give me a decision tonight then please do assume I’m unavailable tomorrow.”

also she needs to woman up and parent a bit more. She could always tell her 7 year old it’s her decision but she needs to make it today and that’s final.

Your SIL is a bellend and a good life lesson for a 7 year old (other than the world not revolving around your whims) is that sometimes you have to make a decision and stick with it, to be considerate to other people.

I say this as someone who tries hard to follow gentle / attachment parenting, and it’s self centred tossers like this that give it a bad name!

The problem is, her 'overly cooperative' treatment of her child is going to result in one of those annoying people who feels free to cancel or just bail on their friends regularly as a 'better offer' came along, or she 'wasn't feeling it'.

I would never offer child care again and if asked I would refuse. ‘I have plans’ ‘I have work’ would be my response.
No thank you, not helping you out if you’re not even going to be polite and confirm one way or another.
Also children need to learn that if they commit to something and someone else has rearranged/cancelled/made special arrangements for them then they cannot let them down on a whim depending how they feel that second. It’s rude and selfish

Could you avoid her invite to engage in a row, and say something along the lines of ‘ah, ok, dn can go with you, brilliant. That’s great to hear as taking a day from work whilst fine in emergencies, isn’t ideal. Hope you both like the house’.

Exactly this!

I think you’d be wise not to offer again.

my blood boils with people like this. I’m guessing as she’s a single parent in social housing (who is home schooling) she is relying on benefits?

This has clearly skewed her view and she doesn’t realise that some of us have to work for a living.

I say that as a single parent and socialist, but some people just massively take the piss!

she’s going to have a shock when DN is 18 and she’s expected to get a job.

I’m really torn about this. I get that the vast majority of people on benefits are in difficult circumstances. But it’s people like this that give ammunition to those who think everyone on benefits is ‘lazy’.

OP said that DN has no SEN or learning difficulties.

Perhaps there’s a reason SIL can’t work, but with the selfish attitude she has shown to OP, I detect a major CF!

Many people working full time on low income quite rightly have resentment when they see people living comfortably on benefits.

I don’t think it’s wrong to question this.

Home education makes no difference to benefits. If she is able to work then she will be expected to look for work in the same ways that someone with a child in school would be.

That is a spectacularly rude, disrespectful response from her.

Funny how these ditzy CF manage to have people pleasers at their beck and call.

OP, kindly meant but you clearly can't have the greatest self esteem if you think that extremely RUDE response was anything but that.

There is nothing ditzy about that response.

It is a cuttingly rude and dismissive and most wouldn't deign to reply to it, much less be available again.

Think about how people generally treat you?

Your posts are full of excuses as to why she would treat you and your livelihood and time with such complete disregard.

We teach people how to treat us, and from her response to you, it is absolutely clear what you have taught her.

This is so rude, that I'd wonder, did she actually understand that you would be losing a day's paid employment over this or does she just think you'd be timetabling your flexible jobs so as to happen to leave a chunk of time free all on the same day that week?