To think SIL should make the decision herself and give me a firm answer?

[HauntedGusset]

I'll try and keep it short.

SIL (single parent) wants to go and view a house for a possible exchange tomorrow, and DN (7 and home educated) said she didn't want to go. I said I'd look after DN. This means taking a day off work, but as I'm self employed this is do-able if necessary and I want to support SIL. So I haven't scheduled any work for tomorrow. I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning. I said this wasn't ideal as I didn't really want to take a day off work for no reason (I'm a gardener, so can't just turn up without arranging with clients in advance) so could she let me know by this evening please.

SIL sent me this reply overnight... "I'm sorry but I can't give you the answer you want right now. I won't know until it's time to leave whether DN is coming with me or not, she can't decide and we will see how she feels in the morning. You said you'd look after her so if you aren't going to stick to your word and want to go to work instead, just say so and I'll know not to rely on you again". DN doesn't have any SEN etc, but SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything. Up to her, of course, but this is making me really frustrated as whilst I'm happy to take a day off to look after DN I'm not happy to be in limbo til it's too late for me to do anything else - I'm not well off, taking the day off is a favour to SIL because I want to help her out, but not something I want to do if it isn't actually necessary. I think under the circumstances SIL should tell DN what is happening not wait for her to decide last minute. She's welcome to centre everything round the whims of a 7 yr old but it's not really fair to impose that on other people who have offered to help her!

AIBU here?

I'd just say sorry this doesnt work for my job. And if I felt annoyed I'd say I can't give you the answer you want either because I won't be available tomorrow as I'm working.

Also to add that parenting style sounds bonkers.

I’m all for being child led, but there needs to be natural consequences because that’s the real world.

In this instance if you don’t make a decision other people will move on and make their own decisions- offers don’t stay on the table forever.

This parenting style is going to bite her on the arse in a few years!
OP, i would not offer to help again. YANBU

"I've booked the day off to look after DN tomorrow. I can reverse that if you let me know by 6pm. Please bear in mind that if I use up a day's holiday tomorrow, that's one less day I have available in the future, so I'm more likely to have to say no to helping another time.

‘I’ll know not to rely on you again’.

op: okay, great, good luck tomorrow, better get organised for work!

If your SIL is keen that her child makes all her own decisions as and when she feels like it, then it's up to SIL to manage the obvious pitfalls that come with that, not you. It's absolutely fine if that's the parenting style she prefers, but she's being unrealistic to expect other people to facilitate it for her.

To be honest, I don't think your SIL should have asked you to take time off work to provide childcare for her in a situation where childcare wasn't actually necessary in the first place. If she had to attend an appointment to which her DD couldn't accompany her (eg a sensitive/potentially upsetting medical appointment or something like that) then of course it would be OK for her to ask for help. But asking for childcare that requires you to take a day off work, just for something her DD clearly could do but just doesn't want to, was unreasonable in the first place. You were more than accommodating to your SIL and it was really kind of you to agree to look after your DN in the first place.

If the kid does come, give her Coco Krispies and Prime energy drink for lunch. Say it was child-led.

Jesus Christ! Your SIL sounds stone mad!
Its very nice that you want to offer her support right now.

But she's heaping a whole load of problems for herself with that "Golden child" down the line! She'll really need your support then, with her passive aggressive texts.

She's all for working around the child and obviously no problem being rude to whose who actually want to help her. Her views are really skewed!

Perhaps, She should try actually "parenting" the child because it will end up badly - particularly around the 12-14 age!

What's she teaching her child? That other people's time doesn't matter!

I try to give my child choices where possible but not when it impacts somebody outside of our household. That's so rude!

@HauntedGusset It sounds like your SIL is certainly having a difficult time, and I sympathise with that - but it also sounds like she's making things even more difficult for herself by letting her seven-year-old call the shots all the time.

You're clearly a very supportive and thoughtful person for your SIL to have in her life, and I hope she comes to realise and appreciate that sooner rather than later.

There's being supportive and helpful as opposed to being taken for a mug. The sil is totally out of order here.

This. Or maybe adjust to "I'll know not to offer to lose a day's pay again and we'll leave it at that twatface"

I'm serious about the day's pay thing, you should point out what you'd offered to sacrifice.

I hate people like this, where do they come from?

Well, this will be an important part of your SIL's way of teaching her child that decisions have consequences. If DN is unable to decide until tomorrow morning, it means she no longer has the option of being looked after by you.

Personally, I would text now and say, as a decision hasn't been confirmed, you'll have to take work on.

That reply from her is just awful. She does not appreciate you or understand how your job works. It is disrespectful and I would withdraw my offer now.

That's really rude!
She wouldn't see a moment of childcare from me ever again after that. You reap what you sow -she said she won't rely on you again so hold her to that.

Wow that is an awful reply from her! The entitlement!

I would say: no problem, thanks for letting me know. I have decided to go to work tomorrow. I'm sure you understand xx

OP was asking if she should ask for a firm decision, not whether or not she should babysit her niece.

That’s not for you, or any other strangers on this thread to decide. OP has stated that there’s extenuating circumstances that meant she offered to babysit. Those circumstances are none of our business, and we need to respect that.

Glad it resolved itself.

Yes, lesson learned and you would be completely reasonable to not offer again if it means giving up paid work to do so.

You did a nice thing by offering but her attitude was not ok.

I'm aghast. I think you should explain that you don't mind taking time off to help, but not if she's just not going to turn up, because you'll lose money for nothing. I'd go to work and never offer again.

I'm sorry but this is completely out of order from your SIL. If it was me, I would not take the day off and let her deal with it since she can't respect and appreciate that you would be taking a whole day off just in case the DN doesn't want to go. She has her parenting style, fair enough, but that doesn't have to impact on you.

YANBU at all

You are not the unreliable one; your SIL is, and she's raising a nightmare

Well yes, poster is speaking about her own experience, not yours or anyone else's,🤣

Horribly rude of your SIL. You are completely reasonable in needing confirmation in advance so you can plan your work day and commitments. Even someone who doesn't work would prefer to know in advance, so they don't waste their day! You didn't even press them to confirm until the day before! I'd be letting SIL know that if DN decides not to come to yours in the morning, you'll have cancelled a whole day of work for no reason. Madness.

That's pandering to the SIL and niece though, the SIL seems to be ruled by the whims of her child and can't/wont make firm arrangements, hopefully the OP will not offer again, let SIL deal with the child she's raising.

SIL is doing her daughter no favours. Like you, she has to commit to either taking the child or not. Having made arrangements you're stuck - just make sure you have an arrival time set.

If DN doesn't arrive by that time take yourself off and temporarily block her number.

Explain to SIL that if she can't commit, neither can you. Your time is valuable.