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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL should make the decision herself and give me a firm answer?

212 replies

HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 08:01

I'll try and keep it short.

SIL (single parent) wants to go and view a house for a possible exchange tomorrow, and DN (7 and home educated) said she didn't want to go. I said I'd look after DN. This means taking a day off work, but as I'm self employed this is do-able if necessary and I want to support SIL. So I haven't scheduled any work for tomorrow. I messaged SIL last night asking what time she would drop DN off and she replied saying DN thinks she might want to go after all and she would let me know tomorrow morning. I said this wasn't ideal as I didn't really want to take a day off work for no reason (I'm a gardener, so can't just turn up without arranging with clients in advance) so could she let me know by this evening please.

SIL sent me this reply overnight... "I'm sorry but I can't give you the answer you want right now. I won't know until it's time to leave whether DN is coming with me or not, she can't decide and we will see how she feels in the morning. You said you'd look after her so if you aren't going to stick to your word and want to go to work instead, just say so and I'll know not to rely on you again". DN doesn't have any SEN etc, but SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything. Up to her, of course, but this is making me really frustrated as whilst I'm happy to take a day off to look after DN I'm not happy to be in limbo til it's too late for me to do anything else - I'm not well off, taking the day off is a favour to SIL because I want to help her out, but not something I want to do if it isn't actually necessary. I think under the circumstances SIL should tell DN what is happening not wait for her to decide last minute. She's welcome to centre everything round the whims of a 7 yr old but it's not really fair to impose that on other people who have offered to help her!

AIBU here?

OP posts:
Melodysmum12 · 25/10/2023 08:56

Wow what a self entitled idiot! How kind of you to offer to take a day off work to have her!! I’d have replied and said how lucky she is to have you on hand to have her child but if she decides to go with her mum, you could have worked for the day!! She sounds bonkers.

Quitelikeit · 25/10/2023 08:56

Just plan to go to work and if the child comes along take her with you

sadforthem · 25/10/2023 08:57

ZenNudist · 25/10/2023 08:14

How about "I have offered to do you a favour but you won't do me the courtesy of a firm plan. You said you needed me to look after DN. If you are not going to stick to your word and bring DN over tomorrow then I am going to arrange to work."

Very good reply.

alongcameboo · 25/10/2023 08:57

heldinadream · 25/10/2023 08:05

"...I'll know not to rely on you again"
"Thank you, yes I think that's sensible. I'll know not to offer to help again and we'll leave it at that."
She's a CF OP.

oh this is perfect!

alongcameboo · 25/10/2023 08:58

blackbeardsballsack · 25/10/2023 08:18

She is the most unreasonable person I have read about on here for ages!

Love a good CF story. haven't had one in ages!!

WeWereInParis · 25/10/2023 08:58

SIL has a parenting philosophy that children should make their own decisions about pretty much everything.

I'd be reluctant to look after a child brought up like that tbh.

sadforthem · 25/10/2023 08:59

Why isn't the 7 year old interested in seeing where they might be moving to ?

laclochette · 25/10/2023 09:00

Totally ridiculous of her. If you still want to help in future, you could make the parameters much clearer. Eg "I'm always happy to help with DN if I can, but due to the nature of my work, I will need the plan confirmed X number of days in advance or it won't be possible for me to make the necessary arrangements." Then it's on her to decide if she can make that kind of advance plan, if not, her decision.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/10/2023 09:03

Is she going to let the child decide on the house?

that text from her is SO annoying. I’d have to reply to it. Something like “you won’t have to worry about relying on me because I won’t be offering to help after being treated like this.”

N27 · 25/10/2023 09:04

This is one of those CF scenarios that makes the reader feel angry on the OPs behalf!! I hope you call her out on it

EveryKneeShallBow · 25/10/2023 09:04

GrumpyOldCrone · 25/10/2023 08:16

If SIL is a single parent and home schooling DN, does this mean she doesn’t have a job? Because it sounds like she has no understanding of how most people have to organise their lives (i.e. around work, in order to eat).

I don’t think I’d want someone to ‘rely’ on me if they had no understanding of my circumstances.

I think this answer has it. I’ve lost count of the number of times people have assumed I can just pop over and do something or just run someone somewhere in the middle of the day because I work for myself at home. She is an ignorant CF.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 25/10/2023 09:06

Gobsmacked she even gave the 7 year old a choice.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 25/10/2023 09:06

Your SIL is a CF and I wouldn't be offering to help again.

ItsThatTimeAgainXmas · 25/10/2023 09:07

Princessfluffy · 25/10/2023 08:18

Also how can she home school her child if she is a single parent? Doesn't she need to work?!!!

Really? Don't you know that's what benefits are for? According to some of the UK anyway.

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 25/10/2023 09:08

What on earth.

She expects you to be at her beck and call for a child when you are doing a favour .

No way.

You should have immediately messaged her and said no problem you sort out your own childcare if she doest want to go.

Juni11 · 25/10/2023 09:12

YANBU - your SIL is being completely self-absorbed. Out of interest, does she work? I imagine not and therefore doesn’t see the problem with a wasted day of annual leave. Your niece is so young, no blame on her but your SIL is doing her a disservice by allowing her to think the world will revolve around her.

MaggieFS · 25/10/2023 09:15

That's so rude! Of course YANBU. I hope you replied and said "hahaha that's so funny, of course I can afford to take a day off and do nothing when I was trying to be helpful. I guess DN will be going with you then".

shockthemonkey · 25/10/2023 09:17

For the tone of her text alone I’d tell her to get stuffed. And I wouldn’t be offering help again, in any form really.

Gymmum82 · 25/10/2023 09:18

I wouldn’t want her to rely on me for childcare with that terrible style of parenting.
Kids have to do what kids don’t want to do sometimes. That’s life. It’s life as an adult too. She’s going to be raising an entitled self important adult.

Id have replied that unfortunately that doesn’t work for me as I have to work to earn money. So If she doesn’t know if she needs the childcare then I’ll assume that’s a no and go to work instead and she can sort herself out

WildfirePonie · 25/10/2023 09:19

It's half term this week.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 25/10/2023 09:20

HauntedGusset · 25/10/2023 08:10

I offered because there are some difficult circumstances (that I'm not going to detail) around why they need to move. I was trying to be supportive!

And you were very supportive!

Bellyblueboy · 25/10/2023 09:20

your SIL is awful and using emotional blackmail to guilt you into helping.

I would reply

’i think this has gotten unnecessarily heated. I am ofcourse always happy to help, but I had hoped you could appreciate I don’t want to lose a days work for no reason. You can rely on me to stick to concrete plans, but I can’t take a day off speculatively. I am sorry you now think you can’t rely on me, that’s not the case. But from this point on I can only take days off work to babysit if you are certain you will need me. I hope you can respect my boundary on this.’

BodegaSushi · 25/10/2023 09:21

'I offered to have her IF SHE'S NOT GOING. I have to take a day off and lose income for that, and I'm happy to do it for her, but I'm not taking a day off if it's not needed.'

Outliers · 25/10/2023 09:22

Don't make people's burdens your own

LookItsMeAgain · 25/10/2023 09:22

Bellyblueboy · 25/10/2023 09:20

your SIL is awful and using emotional blackmail to guilt you into helping.

I would reply

’i think this has gotten unnecessarily heated. I am ofcourse always happy to help, but I had hoped you could appreciate I don’t want to lose a days work for no reason. You can rely on me to stick to concrete plans, but I can’t take a day off speculatively. I am sorry you now think you can’t rely on me, that’s not the case. But from this point on I can only take days off work to babysit if you are certain you will need me. I hope you can respect my boundary on this.’

This is probably the most diplomatic and least incendiary of the responses if a relationship with this person is to continue past this one event.

Best of luck to you OP deciding how to proceed.
It's not going to be easy.