For stopping schizophrenic uncle from seeing newborn?

[Emily19932]

Hi
My newborn daughters uncle (her dads brother) is schizophrenic. He has been hospitalised for the past 2 years in psychiatric ward but he is now allowed out every Saturdays under the observation of his mum. He has to be in hospital full time as his anti psychotic medication is injected. He hears voices and often talks to himself and about spirits etc.

A few months ago when he came home he pushed his mum down the stairs which put her in hospital as “the voices told him to” he also pulled a kitchen knife out on his brother again because the voices told him to. He will often talk to himself and when asked who he is talking to he will say the voices. He sent me a very nasty text a few weeks ago telling me to kill myself, I messaged him back asking why on earth he’d say that and he said and I quote “sorry that wasn’t me, the man in my head wrote that I’m really sorry I hope you’re ok”

Please don’t get me wrong I understand schizophrenia is a serious mental illness and that this is not his fault, but even so I feel like he could pose a very real risk to newborn daughter and that he could suddenly turn on the flick of a switch. When he has had episodes it’s as if he develops super human strength so if he was to do something I don’t believe his mum, dad or brother could stop him because he is so strong in these episodes and is very large stature wise.

My partner (her dad) is in the marines and he’s currently not in the country. His mum has been having the baby for the day on Saturdays. She’s recently asked if it’s ok if uncle see’s her this coming Saturday as he has day release. I’ve told her due to his past actions I don’t want him to but when or if he starts getting better I am happy for him to. He is clearly not better hence the text he sent me the other day. I am very terrified that if he is in the same place as my daughter he could turn on her and try to harm her and his mum would be powerless to stop him.

Shes told me I am being unreasonable because he’d never hurt a child, I understand that in a sane state of mind he wouldn’t harm anybody but he’s already tried to harm his family because of these voices so what’s to say these voices won’t command him to harm my baby.

AIBU?

A person's cancer doesn't make them a threat to a baby. Schizophrenia that isn't totally under control does...

Perhaps you could set up a video call, so he could see the baby but wouldn't be in a position to be able to hurt her?

Cancer doesn’t cause people to push others downstairs or threaten them with a knife. What a stupid comparison.
OP, never mind anyone else’s feelings, trust your gut and keep your child safe.

YANBU - if he seriously injured his mum to the point of hospitalisation and pulled a knife on someone recently, then it would be reckless to have him spending time with a newborn imo.

He's physically a danger to others, regardless of why.

No yanbu his mum may say 'he wouldn't hurt a child' so is she saying he can control who he hurts and what he does.
And 'whattaboutery' use of cancer, really annoya me! Do many cancer patients push people downstairs or pull a knife on them because the cancer told them too?!

are you joking?!! It’s actually insulting that you’d compare the two. Have you actually read the op?!!
op he is clearly very poorly controlled and mentally unwell at the moment. I read the title and expected to tell you YABU but I totally agree with you. His mums argument is ridiculous- “he’d never hurt a baby”, well I’m sure HE doesn’t intend to hurt anyone but his illness unfortunately means that he does. When he’s more stable, THEN he can meet the baby.

YANBU.

He is proven to be dangerous, and you shouldn’t be guilted into putting you baby into dangerous situations.

Comparisons with other illnesses, which don’t make people dangerous, are irrelevant.

Hard no from me. It's not worth the risk, and especially if your DH is not around to help protect the baby from him JUST IN CASE anything should happen. It's not his fault, but you cannot put your baby at risk like that.

No. It’s just not safe, and that’s a shame but it’s a fact. Imagine if something did happen. Also this is the baby’s dads mum, he can help to communicate this, surely? Don’t feel for keeping your baby safe.

Don't be ridiculous. 🙄

I would say it's a high risk situation. Not because your uncle has schizophrenia or hears voices but because there is a history of recent violent behaviour. I would be inclined to seek advice from his psychiatrist on the ward and would consider him seeing the baby but discussing with him beforehand that he needs to be maintaining a safe distance and won't be allowed to hold the baby.
Usual risk precautions would have to be made, like you not being alone with him in a room, all risky objects being removed and you staying close to the door with another adult present.
It's possible to manage this situation without exposing yourself or the baby to risks, it would just need a lot of planning.

Of course you're not unreasonable -- you're open for him to see your baby when he's in a better place, his drugs regime is working, and he feels more stable. You're not saying he never will see his niece at all.

In your shoes, I wouldn't be letting your daughter go to her grandmother for the day on Saturday any more, both because she will have enough on her hands if she has a seriously mentally-ill adult to look after, and because I wouldn't trust her not to put your baby in harm's way. Can the baby go to her a different day instead, when your BIL is not on day release?

Yes, if the person with cancer had history of unprovoked violence. Which some people with brain cancer indeed have.

No I wouldn't be ok with this and I wouldn't leave my child in the care of their DGM/my MIL if I had any concern that they'd ignore my wish on this.

(And the cancer comparison is absolutely ludicrous!)

His recent violent behaviour makes it a non-negotiable. Not a risk worth taking.

Your baby - your decision. It would be a hard no from me. However I would agree to a video call.

If his cancer was causing him to push people down stairs and threaten them with knives, yes.

100% no. You have a duty of care to protect your daughter. Your MIL doesn't get a say as she has different priorities which she's clearly in denial about.

YANBU I wouldn’t leave my baby with your MIL on the Saturday at all. He is being released under her supervision so will have her hands full already. She was serious assaulted in recent months. She cannot have your baby with BiL is in her home simple as that. I wouldn’t take my baby to visit either until his medication was much more controlled and his risk less. He’s on a one day a week release this isn’t a mild situation. He’s shown serious symptoms as recently as the last few weeks. Don’t put your baby at risk.

The fact that she asked this question, then argued with you!, is a real red flag. It's pretty clear that somebody with proven current, uncontrolled violent tendencies shouldn't be around helpless children.

If you don't 100% trust her to abide by your answer, I'd stop the unsupervised visits. She's shown very, very poor judgement and I wouldn't be handing over my baby.

If the cancer meant they pushed people down the stairs and drew knives on them, then yes, I suspect she would

What a stupid comment.

Someone ill with cancer is not having violent outbursts what a ridiculous thing to say.

Hard no - and to be honest I'd be very wary of her looking after your child now, as her judgement isn't quite there. It's really sad, but that's how it is.

I would encourage your husband to open up the discussion of whether he should be coming home at all, is your mum being honest about what's been happening with his care team?

What a stupid, and offensive, analogy.