For stopping schizophrenic uncle from seeing newborn?

[Emily19932]

Hi
My newborn daughters uncle (her dads brother) is schizophrenic. He has been hospitalised for the past 2 years in psychiatric ward but he is now allowed out every Saturdays under the observation of his mum. He has to be in hospital full time as his anti psychotic medication is injected. He hears voices and often talks to himself and about spirits etc.

A few months ago when he came home he pushed his mum down the stairs which put her in hospital as “the voices told him to” he also pulled a kitchen knife out on his brother again because the voices told him to. He will often talk to himself and when asked who he is talking to he will say the voices. He sent me a very nasty text a few weeks ago telling me to kill myself, I messaged him back asking why on earth he’d say that and he said and I quote “sorry that wasn’t me, the man in my head wrote that I’m really sorry I hope you’re ok”

Please don’t get me wrong I understand schizophrenia is a serious mental illness and that this is not his fault, but even so I feel like he could pose a very real risk to newborn daughter and that he could suddenly turn on the flick of a switch. When he has had episodes it’s as if he develops super human strength so if he was to do something I don’t believe his mum, dad or brother could stop him because he is so strong in these episodes and is very large stature wise.

My partner (her dad) is in the marines and he’s currently not in the country. His mum has been having the baby for the day on Saturdays. She’s recently asked if it’s ok if uncle see’s her this coming Saturday as he has day release. I’ve told her due to his past actions I don’t want him to but when or if he starts getting better I am happy for him to. He is clearly not better hence the text he sent me the other day. I am very terrified that if he is in the same place as my daughter he could turn on her and try to harm her and his mum would be powerless to stop him.

Shes told me I am being unreasonable because he’d never hurt a child, I understand that in a sane state of mind he wouldn’t harm anybody but he’s already tried to harm his family because of these voices so what’s to say these voices won’t command him to harm my baby.

AIBU?

This is the most bone-headed thing I've read on mn for quite some time.

@Emily19932 definitely don't be guilted into allowing your bil access to your child. Your mil is deluded if she thinks he definitely won't be a threat to her.

Coming from someone who has their own children and spent a very long time as an inpatient for psychosis a few years back.

No you are not being unreasonable. He sounds very unstable at the moment and unpredictable. You can always re-evaluate when his symptoms are controlled.

"Shes told me I am being unreasonable because he’d never hurt a child, I understand that in a sane state of mind he wouldn’t harm anybody but he’s already tried to harm his family because of these voices so what’s to say these voices won’t command him to harm my baby."

This is as concerning as his violence - his mum is in denial, despite having been hospitalised by him. I would be reluctant to leave my baby with her.

Bottom line, my baby would definitely NOT be going to MIL this Saturday, as BIL will be there. This would not be negotiable, the baby is not going. I would also be rethinking Saturdays as a whole, as her comments make me think that she would endanger my baby to prove her point. My trust of her would be broken.

This whole post made me feel very sad.

I think you’re doing the right thing. You’re not being judgmental and difficult, there seem to be real concerns here.

At the end of the day if he’d ‘never hurt a child’ that means he has control over his actions so why is he hurting others?

Of course this is not his fault, but honestly, what can you do? If a grown adult chooses to take the risk with their health and safety around someone who is violently mentally ill that’s up to them but obviously your baby is not capable of making an informed decision.

It’s not the right time, it would absolutely be a no from me.

I wouldn't now that he's relapsed so severely no. Fine once he's back on an even keel again.

Surprised they are scheduling home visits given his recent behaviour, doesn't sound like there's a harm prevention plan in place which goes against everything a psychiatric setting should be doing and is negligence. I guess that's for your mil to deal with but this is extreme behaviour.

absolutely no way. no chance. don't feel bad. baby's safety comes first. often loved ones don't want to accept how bad things are.

What a ridiculous comparison

Agree with pp don’t leave your child
with your MIL. What if she tells him not to come and he turns up anyway while she has Your child ?

Her saying he wouldn’t hurt a child while presumably also claiming his actions are beyond his control is a bit contradictory. Can he control his violence or not? They can’t have it both ways.

And can she tell what the voice will tell him to do next?

Even if we take her word for it what if he pushes her again and she’s holding the baby and they both get injured.

It’s a massive red flag that she’s not only suggesting this but trying to pressure you into it. Put your baby first, hold firm and don’t even consider this.

2He's never hurt a child!" bet his DM never thought he would push her down the stairs.

I don't know why you are even asking the question.
Under no circumstances would I allow my DC to be any where near this man, Particularly if you or your DH are not present.

If it were me I would actually put a stop to the mother taking care of your baby on the Saturdays. The very fact she asked the question, would make me not trust her to have him present in the home.

OMG! a little innocent child, I wouldn't have him anywhere near her. I am sorry if that upsets the MIL, or I am showing a complete lack of understanding, but your priority is your child. You would never forgive yourself if anything happened to her.

A few years ago a friend was married and the DH had schizophrenia, he was taking his medication, they had a new borne son .One evening she walked into the bedroom and he was standing at the window holding the child out the window. This was a long time ago and I still remember the incident.
She pleaded with him to bring the child back in. Fortunately he did, he said he heard voices. They separated following that incident.

Oh hell no, keep your baby home from your MIL from now on, her judgement is awful. Babies are so vulnerable, newborns especially. Keep your baby safe, you don't owe the MIL or anyone else an explanation as to why or need justify your decision.

@bjrce that’s a horrendous story, I’m glad she managed to save her baby and herself.

I had an incident with a friend where he was chanting and making unearthly noises that he thought were from God once I was in his house. I was frozen in shock but when he said he felt God wants him to strip naked I had to put a stop to the trance/ritual. Thankfully he let me go and I did feel sorry for him as he was clearly hearing voices not from God, but it made me very wary of anyone who doesn’t have a consistent record of having their schizophrenia under control.

I agree the priority is the child no matter who it offends. The risk is too great if things go wrong.

Just what the actual fuck? Cancer doesn't make people push their mothers downstairs. Cancer doesn't make someone pull a knife on his brother.

Absolutely unequivocally totally no no no no no
I would not want this person within 200 miles of my baby.
Don't let anyone dictate to you or say yabu.
You are not

Hi there

My brother is schizophrenic and although hasn't had violent tendencies for a while does have extreme paranoia and hears voices. I do not believe he would ever harm my children but when he was at his worst I would not have allowed him to be near them, and even now, when he is medicated and in an "ok" place I wouldn't allow him to be left alone with them.

If it is any comfort though, when he is with them in a family setting, they actually bring him a lot of joy and he's very gentle towards them. But does get overwhelmed when there's lots of crying and noise, so any visits are usually quite brief.

I love my brother dearly, but my children come first. YANBU.

This.

No, but I would if someone with cancer had tried to stab their brother, pushed their mum down the stairs and told me to kill myself for no reason because voices told them to.

If you posted in a few weeks that the uncle hurt your daughter the response would be: well you knew he was unwell why did you let him near!

i personally would not let him near at all and I work in mental health, especially if his diagnosis is command schizophrenia. Which it sounds like it is if he is doing as the voice says! Stick to your guns your daughter is more important than your relationship with anyone.

Why is she having your baby on Saturdays ? It would be a no from me whilst he’s still so unstable . Could you visit him in the hospital so there would be staff / more people supervising .

Disagree. They would need a sizeable team of strong adults around. The average man could overpower an older woman - I assume his mum isn’t super young compared to him /and another woman ie. The OP.

Also OP said this :

“When he has had episodes it’s as if he develops super human strength so if he was to do something I don’t believe his mum, dad or brother could stop him because he is so strong in these episodes and is very large stature wise”

Seems far too risky, sometimes women just need to say no and not he railroaded into “be kind” which can have catastrophic effects for all. I’m sure the brother would be horrified if he harmed the baby too so it’s a bad idea all around.

Maybe you should look after your baby yourself on Saturdays from now on. It sounds like your M in law has enough on her plate. You can still visit at another time

No YADNBU. As you say once it’s under control and your partner is back in the country then maybe some supervised visits could start but definitely not while he is showing some very strong signs that he’s very unstable.

And I personally would not trust your MIL to respect your wishes on this- I’d bet good money that if you keep sending your DD then her uncle will “just happen to pop by” for some reason. She sounds like she’s minimising it and saying he’s never hurt a child before is little comfort. I would be surprised if he was in regular contact with kids plus there’s always a first time. I think I’d find an excuse to stop unsupervised visits with your MIL too- isn’t there a swimming class on a Sat you now want to do? She can of course visit you at your house any time, so long as you are there.

Not a hope in hell would I let this man see my child.

@Pccleaner what an odd response! Cancer doesn’t pose a threat the same way schizophrenia does.
@Emily19932 I would keep your baby away until his meds are controlling his mental health properly

The babies needs need to come first. He should have no contact at all. It’s not in the baby’s best interests. Your mil has unsafe boundaries if she thinks this is ok and I would seriously reconsider letting her look after the baby in case she puts her at risk. On another note he sounds very risky to be out each week and this should be urgently reviewed before he kills his mother or actually stabs someone.

YANBU, I think a video call would be the best option, it’s not his fault but it’s just too great of a risk to take and you have a duty of care to your child.