To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

[DearyMeThisIsSilly]

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

When my kids pull this nonsense, I simply reply: 'I don't have favourites. I hate you all equally.'

Do you think maybe you need some one on one time with her? She may be noticing your emotions and other things going on and blame herself. That’s the kind of thing I did.
Im not saying you’ve done anything at all, it just may be she needs some extra special care for whatever reason. Please don’t be cross as that won’t help. Take some deep breaths and keep trying with her. Something is getting lost somewhere.

I’m in the same situation but mine are adults. It’s actually split the family, and it’s so sad and unnecessary.
no words of wisdom, just solidarity.

😂

They op literally just said she spent one on one time with the child.

I always say your both my favourites, I have a favourite boy and a favourite girl, somtimes I'll laugh and say neither you both annoy me 😅

It might help if you over-verbalise with her every single time you hug her etc, emphasise "I love hugging you SOOOOO MUCH dd!", 'DD! There you are! I NEED YOUR HUGS!" and give her bigs hugs, when she pulls the "you don't hug me" crap again remind her of the last time you hugged her hard and told her how much you loved hugging her, and just keep doing that.

I wouldn't normally do what you've done - but it will be interesting to see if it works. It sounds like she can see it's got under your skin and you're both in a toxic cycle with it. She might realise she needs to stop rattling your cage now. Or it might be genuine and you need to get to the bottom of why she's articulating this and feeling it despite the reality.

This is the thing. Clearly theres a need that isnt being met and I dont know what it is? I dont know what else I can do?

I constantly feel like an inadequate parent and like I'm failing them both and when she does this it makes me feel awful. I grew up feeling unloved and unliked and I've tried to do everything in my power to make sure my children dont feel like that. Where am I going wrong and what can I do?

This is why I'm angry now because I've been trying for so long and it feels like nothing I do is good enough?

DD gets tons of one to one time with me and my family. Me and her go swimming every week without DS, she stays up later than him every night, we do each others nails ect, when theres been school strikes I bring her along to lunch dates with my friends ect

Do you just reply ASAP without reading posts?

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP, apart from shouting at her about it lol. I'm sure she's not doing it to annoy you, maybe she's insecure.

I'd probably have a chat with her about why she feels this way, and if she continues to do it just breeze past it. 'No that's not true, I love you both equally. Would you like a cuddle' etc

4 kids here. I genuinely think it is innate in us to be very jealous of our siblings. I'm sure it's a survival technique to ensure that we all got fed and cared for.
Mine constantly ask this even as teens. I always say my favourite is the dog.
Either make it into a joke or just keep saying that you love them all the same. I tell mine it's not possible to love them anymore because I love them as big as love can be. Don't get angry at her she's just looking for reassurance and having a (probably slightly cuter due to age) little bro is a threat.

I'm sorry the same thing has caused so much upset in your family, I'm crying re reading what I've wrote because I just want them both to grow up happy people and despite trying my hardest I'm just not getting it right?

Please dont shut her down and ban her from expressing herself, however much it annoys you what she is saying. You may be a great mum and treat them equally but for whatever reason she is feeling she needs more assurance from you, there’s clearly an insecurity there and shutting her expression down will make that worse. Just keep reassuring her time and time again, keep spending the time with her she needs, keep showing your love and that you are there for her and in time she will feel more secure. There could be a number of reasons she feels the way she does and it might not be anything to do with something you do or say it could be unrelated. Just keep showing up for her.

JMSA · Today 12:39
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When my kids pull this nonsense, I simply reply: 'I don't have favourites. I hate you all equally”

Sorry to be the pooper but more and more reliable research is showing that even throw away comments like this can be pretty harmful to kids’ self-esteem and confidence.

Yeah this, and make a joke of it - next time she eg complains about not being cuddled, grab her for an OTT cuddle

You do want to get her out of it, but joking is better than loosing it, if you can. It will be more secure for her.

But anyway she’ll grow out of it.

The first couple of paragraphs, I thought maybe she needed reassurance and one to one time.
And then you clarified she gets lots of one to one time and your son never does and she has the nicer clothes/toys/room.
My question is why on earth does she have nicer everything and dedicated one to one time? That sounds horribly unequal and as if you have favoured her throughout. She has a special place in you heart because she was so wanted and arrived after so much loss? What does that mean? You love her more? I think you’ve spoilt her, understandably, and she has little concept that her brother is entitled to equal to her. Perhaps a parenting course or some psychological help for you and her because she sounds quite nasty towards her little brother. I know siblings get jealous but this sounds beyond that and I suspect the roots are in that she was treasured so much and then a little rival, in her eyes, arrived.

Trust me, they're fine

God, posts like this make me so glad that I was only able to have one dc!

It sounds very difficult for you to manage, and I don't doubt that you love them equally, OP. But her perception is probably real to her, and I'm not sure that banning her from mentioning it is going to help.

As you say, there seems to be some sort of need that isn't being met. Quite how you figure out what that is, I don't know, but I don't personally think that ignoring it/insisting that she buries it is the right solution.

Personally, I think I would want to engage with her about it. Put away the natural defensive responses and actually listen to what she has to say, talk it through with her. Try to understand her point of view before trying to explain your own.

You are not a shit parent, clearly. It sounds hard. But I would not just try to make this go away. Her feelings are real, even if they are based on perceptions that are not reflected in reality.

When I've asked her about this she says it's because I use a baby voice with DS, I use the same tone with both of my kids and my pets, I speak to them all the same 😅

When I've stopped being upset I will have another chat with her and apologise for getting cross at her too. I understand shes just a little girl with big feelings but it's so tiring having to keep doing this

If I read your OP right, she was 3 when she stopped seeing her father, due to Domestic Violence, is that right ?
Could she feel insecure from those times ? Worried you are also going to go away forever ?

I think this sort of jealousy and insecurity about who you love the most, and seeking reassurance that you really love them, is a relatively common response to younger siblings tbh. Often in a child’s mind, you having other children after them implies that they weren’t enough for you, or you wanted a different / better child. Getting angry about what is, really, a pretty rational level of logic to a child who hasn’t yet developed emotional literacy, isn’t going to improve the situation.

You don’t need to feel guilty, just keep on pouring the love and affirmation in. She’s still very young, as she matures emotionally things will very likely improve.

Is it possible that she’s feeling an emotional lack and wrongly attributing that to you and her brother?

She’d have been 3 when her father left, she has no ongoing contact with him, and is possibly feeling a void. And she’s trying to rationalise that without understanding where it’s coming from. Has she ever had any therapy etc around it?

Im a single parent too and I do think that sibling rivalry is in general worse in single parent households. I think that the competition for attention is clearer (because you can literally only deal with one thing at a time) and there’s less scope for the children to have their own spaces (because you can’t leave one at home when you go to the supermarket).

My DD started saying this when she was about 8 or 9.

In the last year she's been diagnosed as autistic and she struggles with things her brother seems to find easy; having friends over, being a bit of a joker, etc.

He sort of easily takes up a bit more airtime than her. I can sometimes see her watching him jealously when he's with friends etc.

I don't know the answer but that's where it comes from with my DD. It sounds like you're doing your best to have one on one time with her though, so I don't know what else there is to do.

I asked my mum if any of us ever acted like this and she said I did more than the others 😅 which although I remember feeling like she preferred my siblings I dont rememeber speaking to her about it 😅

I've read about it and it apparently is survival thing to be so "selfish" at this age which I do understand

I generally dont get angry, this is the first time in a very long time I've gotten cross about it to her face, you are right though she does need some sort of reassurance that I'm clearly not giving her

Her DS is a very silly impulsive little boy ( waiting for an assessment for ADHD ) who gets told off far more than she does and I use her good behaviour as an example for him and to make her feel good about herself

Hes just gotten glasses which she is really jealous about as shes always wanted glasses and is devastated she has perfect vision

Love this