To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

[DearyMeThisIsSilly]

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

I do think this fad for not 'shuting down' kids is a bit much, and frankly unhelpful for many children. Obviously you notice and you listen but when you, as the parent, have really had a good long hard think, and really considred things as OP has done, as well as obviously listen to the child for a long time repeat these things we seem untrue, then the child has been listened to enough.

To feel safe sometimes kids just need adult to be the adult and say enough now. Maybe, out of jealousy rather than anything real, the older child does feel insecure. Maybe the route back to being secure is to have her mother tell her she is secure in uncompromising and certain terms. Well done OP for doing so!

I am sure OP feels guilty enough (and that will make her constantly reassess her thoughts I am sure, we're not talking unthinking parenting here) without being accused of shutting down her child.

I hope this owrks OP. and someone else's suggestion about over-vocalising your hugs and time with her is a very good idea also. You don't want her growing up thinking that the way to get assurances is to whine or be overly needy or to emotionally blackmail people. That won't help her relationships with her family and friends in future either.

Top answer. I’ll be stealing “the dog is my favourite” when mine get older 😂

If it's any consolation my 2 do it too. I've also banned saying things are unfair. If they complain the other person gets double/more/all of it depending on what they complain about. I welcome them asking for something the other one has asked for and got. But 'she got a sweet and I didn't' when the child complaining hasn't asked for a sweet yet gets short shrift. 'Can I have a sweet too please?' Obviously gets them a sweet too.

You love X more than me usually gets a 'I love the fact X isn't whinging at me right now' response.

I tried this with my grandma as a 7/8yr old about my younger brother. I'd obviously got on her last nerve and she gave me an exasperated "I'm done with this" or similar and stormed off the the greenhouse for a while...

I'm 30 now and I still remember it as a defining moment 😂 I don't think she loved me any less and I have no idea what prompted me to be annoying about it as a kid but I did learn the lesson that adults are people. They can get annoyed and upset just like kids.

Always a stick in the mud

YABU
Your daughter is expressing her feelings. Whether you feel they have merit or not those are her feelings and you have just invalidated them. Not just that but told her in rather a mean way to not say it again. She may not want to share other feelings with you incase you get angry at her again.
She is 8. I was a teenager and thought my younger sister was always getting special treatment.
Just like you can’t help feeling frustrated and mad about what she is constantly saying she can’t help feeling what she is feeling. The difference is she is 8 and you are an adult.

I would apologise to her for getting angry and explain that you get frustrated.

I too am experiencing a split in my family I never ever saw coming and I am heartbroken, I’ve 3 daughters and 2 of them have chosen not to have anything to do with me at the moment. It’s so so sad considering last Xmas 15 of us were all together for the first time ever… I still wake up every day not knowing “why” that’s the hardest bit.

There's so much DD in the post and virtually no mention of your DS. Except to reassure us that your DD has everything nicer, better cooler than DS. You also don't mention any special one on one time with him either. I think the balance has to change and your DD has to learn that loving them both means spending equal time with both of them.

💯 %

Behaviour is the outward expression of emotion. It also always has a function. What is her behaviour getting for her? More attention/treats/etc. while this is working for her, she’ll keep doing it. To complicate matters she will be very likely to have trauma from seeing the assault and it’s aftermath. Her security and the person who gave her safety was threatened. So it’s not surprising that she behaves in this way. Family therapy would be good if you can pay (or try Relate). Think about how you change the story- how do you show you love her without giving her the power to have her brother excluded?

I suspect that there are a number of things at play - the childhood trauma leading to some insecurity, the age/ability difference, normal sibling rivalry, but I also wonder if another factor might be that you and your son both have ADHD and if that somehow she feels that bonds you and your son in a way that she isn’t a part of. Ironically, you are both neurodivergent so she is the one who feels ‘different’. I wonder if you feel that you understand him and his way of thinking more so that her and her way of thinking, and she picks up on that. Just something to perhaps consider. You sound like you’re really doing your best as a mum so I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it.

Or try this

I think I might use this answer too. My DD1 (14) still accuses me of favouring DD2 (11). Maybe I’ll start saying that my favourite is one of our 3 cats, humour might succeed where reassurance that I don’t favour DD2 hasn’t.

She sounds very challenging yanbu I'd get sick of that.

I think I might use this answer too. My DD1 (14) still accuses me of favouring DD2 (11). Maybe I’ll start saying that my favourite is one of our 3 cats, humour might succeed where reassurance that I don’t favour DD2 hasn’t.

Perfect example of where reassurance does not work. All this ‘discussion’ just leads to more of the same and sometime La we need to nip it in the bud and allow them to focus on other things they get praise for.

Can’t see an adult asking the boss ‘who’s favourite’

I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

Tell her this

Your little girl is hurting, whatever the reason that hurt is real.

Maybe she doesn't care about the clothes, toys and room.

She might not ask for a hug, it doesn't mean she doesn't want one.

It’s not a you thing.
Its because she has to share you.
My ds9 told me the worst day of his life was when we brought his sibling (dd5) home from hospital and could we take her back.
Is your dd neurodiverse?
Unfortunately, I have no advice. Your dd has to get used to having a sibling & just keep reassuring her that she is loved in equal measure x

Sorry, seen that she has witnessed something that a child shouldn’t. I didn’t read all the pages

I agree entirely. By taking what the child says as gospel and trying to "fix" it you are basically saying they were right in what they were saying. In this case the DD is getting far more attention than her brother so she isn't right that he gets more. But by validating her it'll only cement her feelings.

My older sister was always very envious of any attention my mum gave me - so my mum gave her more attention. My sister is not a particularly nice person now, she's still demanding and thinks she always right and we don't have a close relationship.

If your oldest is getting more attention is your youngest losing out.

Maybe she's inherited narcissism from her father.

Or perhaps the DV came at the time she also had to process your DS entering her life, and she's been affected in some deep psychological way that's meant she's struggled to ever get over the sibling rivalry?

I also wouldn't shut down outlets of expression though. Internalisation of these feelings could be harmful. Maybe just ask her why she doesn't seem to be able to feel happy for her DB when he's doing something he likes?

I hope you're doing OK now though - what you must have been through is horrible to think of. I'm sorry to refer to it candidly, I just think you never really know how children can respond to trauma.

I can see why you would pop and tell her to shut up about it.

Yes she should feel free to express her feelings but how about you tell her that every time she feels she hasn't had as many hugs, she should just come and help herself. No complaining,just solve the problem by coming for a hug.

Also I would turn the tables every now and then in a fun way. Crumple on the floor and say something like, so weak, need DD cuddles to function, please help!

Finally I would ask her how she would ensure the one on one time remains fair for DS.

I do something simular as a PP.
My kids will do the who do you like best etc.

I choose their dad or the dog and never either of them or tell them I dislike them both equally.

I also got the question off my youngest if you only had one of us, who would you choose. He would always be the one to instigate these conversations.
I honestly pointed out his brother as I didn't get to choose which kid I had 1st, his brother was conceived and born first...if I never went on to have a 2nd child, he would be the one I didn't have lol.
But, I did want him & we had him - he is 10 mind so old enough to understand.

I'm not a molly-coddler AT ALL - but she's only 8. There's clearly something going on in the background here (even if it's just an underlying sense of neediness/inability to express) and it should be taken seriously.
If its not resolvable by explaining to her and making sure she has her fair share of attention (which it sounds like you do) - you need to go and find some therapy for her.

I have adhd and often felt like this as a child. Do you think it could be rejection sensitive dysphoria? https://adhdinchildrensupport.com/adhd-and-rsd-in-children/