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Original poster

To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

225 replies

DearyMeThisIsSilly · 21/10/2023 12:38

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

OP posts:
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gooddayruby · 21/10/2023 17:09

Validate her feelings always, just don't validate any bad behaviour.
'I'm sorry you feel that way, that must be really hard to constantly have a feeling that you're not good enough or loved enough. I love you both so much, can you try to have a think and maybe write a list of ways I can show you I love you?'

BestZebbie · 21/10/2023 17:27

Is it that she misses being younger? You take her out with your friends, paint her nails, she gets to visit family alone as she is older.....but maybe she is anxious about that and sometimes wants to just be a little girl/your baby again?

junbean · 21/10/2023 17:37

This is an irrational and heartless response to a child. If you respond to her in anger now whatever will you do when she's older and in even more complex situations? Go to therapy, get a grip. You are the adult. You are responsible for her needs. You keep treating her this way and she won't ever feel comfortable coming to you for help.

Ididivfama · 21/10/2023 17:57

Worddance · 21/10/2023 12:42

They op literally just said she spent one on one time with the child.

Show quote history

Well maybe it’s not quite working. Time to talk this through at least, obviously it’s coming from somewhere.

Doublerainbow23 · 21/10/2023 17:58

I do feel quite sorry for your DS. Your DD clearly gets lots of one on one time with you (weekly swimming, dates etc). But you don't say DS gets the same? Why on earth not? They should have equal one to one time. DS is only 2 years younger. And not tending to DS when he was a baby straight away because you didn't want DD to feel pushed out?! Surely it's absolutely normal and healthy for sibling to wait whilst you feed baby?

It comes across that you've created a situation where DD feels entitled to all of your attention and love all the time, and is then resentful when she sees DS getting any. I think you need to work to unpick this now or their longterm relationship might not fare well.

cansu · 21/10/2023 18:07

Just repeat in a slightly brisk way that you love them both equally. Then move on. Ithink getting annoyed or giving it lots of attention are both bad ideas. She can say it but you will disagree mildly. She will get bored of it.

cansu · 21/10/2023 18:10

I remember a pupil saying this to me about her mum. I happen to know it was untrue if anything the parents gave those girls too much and allowed them to manipulate them dreadfully with these claims. The same behaviour occurred at school with crocodile teats whenever the child did not get their way or perceived that a friend was getting something they wanted. It caused awful friendship problems.

ImustLearn2Cook · 21/10/2023 21:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FarEast · 21/10/2023 21:45

She’s 8. There is something going on that makes her feel uncertain of you.

Don’t expect an 8year old to understand your adult rational explanation - that’s not how it works for an 8 year old child. Try to have some empathy for her. Because otherwise it really does look as though you have a favourite.

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/10/2023 02:15

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Oh for goodness sake. I posted this because a pp after my post referred to your dd as 6 and I didn’t check properly. I reported my own post because I don’t have the edit button. Mumsnet hasn’t deleted it yet. I wish I had the edit button 😡

Oblomov23 · 22/10/2023 03:03

She's clearly got some issues, because all your previous reassurances haven't satisfied her. I think a real honest age-appropriate strong chat is needed here.

And why is she hurting ds? This is not ok. Why on earth have you allowed this to continue? Angry

Oblomov23 · 22/10/2023 03:04

"my favourite is the dog." Grin

WandaWonder · 22/10/2023 03:38

If it is like this now and your line is 'I don't want to hear it' and pretending everything is OK how will it be in the future

Pretending there is nothing wrong won't make it go away

Teapot13 · 22/10/2023 04:36

Have you tried saying something like, “it makes me sad/worried when you say that because I love you so much. What can I do to help?” I think telling her off won’t help in the long run, although I’m sure it’s annoying because you’re obviously addressing the situation as best you can. Also—how is the sibling relationship? I think fostering a good relationship for them might help?

SD1978 · 22/10/2023 04:42

It sounds like jealousy- because she gets so much, she can't see her brother get anything. I would start to be fairer- so far it sounds like she gets everything her way, every time, and is rewarded with 1-1 time with you and extended family- and now can't cope if this isn't the way it is. I'd be punishing more for behaviour towards her brother, she doesn't get to always sit where she wants, do what she wants, be the only one with 'dates' with you and your family. I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like something is lacking, but that she's being quite selfish!

givemeasunnyday · 22/10/2023 06:01

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/10/2023 12:47

JMSA · Today 12:39
**
When my kids pull this nonsense, I simply reply: 'I don't have favourites. I hate you all equally”

Sorry to be the pooper but more and more reliable research is showing that even throw away comments like this can be pretty harmful to kids’ self-esteem and confidence.

Oh for goodness sake!!!

Nothankyou22 · 22/10/2023 06:12

My son occasionally says this but he is autistic and doesn’t like a cuddle apart from at bedtime, where my daughter would cuddle all day, so the way to make him feel wanted is to show interest in what he likes, play his console with him, show interest in what he talks about.
We all have different love languages

Lougle · 22/10/2023 06:41

Do you ever talk to her about those feelings? It sounds like you're stuck in the 'feeling hurt and unappreciated that she has those feelings given all that you do' stage. Perhaps if you can put that aside and acknowledge that her feelings are real, she might be able to move past it.

AnxiousAcademic · 22/10/2023 07:00

my daughter went through a phase of saying these exact same things - around age 8-9 (she’s now 10 and she hasn’t mentioned this in months now). Like you, I took it personally - what was I doing wrong to give this impression to her, why couldn’t she see all the things I did for her. My son is 4 years younger than DD and so needed more help with things, so was struggling to tell my daughter how helping son wasn’t about giving him more attention etc. it would trigger my own insecurities being a full time working mother and worrying I wasn’t doing enough for her. I’m not a single parent. My husband was a stay-at-home parent at the time, he never received any of these comments - they were just about me. I took it badly at first.

however, me and my daughter talked a lot about her feelings around this, and together over several months I found that she does know I love her, she was just testing me for reassurance. Trying to push me away to see if I came back. I also found that telling her what I loved about her helped (not just a general, ‘i love you’ but also add on why - provide more reasoning. The one that made the biggest different was when I told her, as my first born, that she made me a mummy, how could I not love the one who made me a mummy and made me the person I am today- that is something specific only to her. I also told her, that whatever she does to me, says to me, feels about me etc, I will never stop loving her. She seemed a little surprised at first, almost like this was the first time she realised my love was unconditional?

there are other practical things we’ve implemented too. When we do something together, just us two, I make a point of saying it’s ‘mummy-daughter time’ excitedly (out of sons earshot of course), so that she clearly knows I’m excited to spend time 1-on-1 with her. So I make more feelings and enjoyment towards her more obvious, and say it to her, so she’s no doubt in her mind.

I do a similar approach with my son now too.

It’s hard to make each child feel special individually, but my daughter really needed this reassurance, I still don’t know why, or where it all originated from, but it only took a few months of minor changes really and a tweak in how to reassure her, to help.

Talapia · 22/10/2023 07:33

I'm sorry for your previous losses. K think she probably has a subconscious awareness of how much you 'needed' her when she was born. As she now has a younger sibling she probably does not feel as needed as she once did and needs constant reassurance to validate that she is needed.

I would talk to the school, I think this is more seek rooted and linked to your previous losses. It's amazing what children pick up on, even if it is unspoken. They also can then misinterpret what they have picked up.

Chat with school and ask guidance from them .

Limonatamum · 22/10/2023 07:40

Honestly, the way you wrote that out isn’t full of love. ‘Sick to death’, ‘SHE’, ‘nasty’, ‘constantly complains’. Is there a potential she could be picking up on these thoughts of yours?
Is it worth thinking about what her love language is, does she need more words of affirmation, reassurance Etc? Not just ‘love you’ but ‘I love how funny you are, you are so great’. Or ask her to come sit with you and cuddle for extended period of time eg tv (that she doesn’t have to ask for).
essentially, your post was calling out her actions as being annoying, I would think about why your child isn’t feeling loved enough instead and how you can go ott on making her feel loved

gooddayruby · 22/10/2023 17:04

The amount of people that genuinely believe children of that age have the ability to be maliciously manipulative is staggering. All parents should have to have to do a course on basic child brain development IMO.

Ididivfama · 22/10/2023 17:12

Limonatamum · 22/10/2023 07:40

Honestly, the way you wrote that out isn’t full of love. ‘Sick to death’, ‘SHE’, ‘nasty’, ‘constantly complains’. Is there a potential she could be picking up on these thoughts of yours?
Is it worth thinking about what her love language is, does she need more words of affirmation, reassurance Etc? Not just ‘love you’ but ‘I love how funny you are, you are so great’. Or ask her to come sit with you and cuddle for extended period of time eg tv (that she doesn’t have to ask for).
essentially, your post was calling out her actions as being annoying, I would think about why your child isn’t feeling loved enough instead and how you can go ott on making her feel loved

Thank you! Surely once you’re over your anger you feel worried about how she’s feeling? Being annoyed at your child doesn’t sound very caring.

Mariposista · 22/10/2023 17:36

Doublerainbow23 · 21/10/2023 17:58

I do feel quite sorry for your DS. Your DD clearly gets lots of one on one time with you (weekly swimming, dates etc). But you don't say DS gets the same? Why on earth not? They should have equal one to one time. DS is only 2 years younger. And not tending to DS when he was a baby straight away because you didn't want DD to feel pushed out?! Surely it's absolutely normal and healthy for sibling to wait whilst you feed baby?

It comes across that you've created a situation where DD feels entitled to all of your attention and love all the time, and is then resentful when she sees DS getting any. I think you need to work to unpick this now or their longterm relationship might not fare well.

Absolutely this. She is being allowed to rule the roost and has been pandered to.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 22/10/2023 17:50

me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly ... if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS ... I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?
Why do you treat them so unfairly?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room

Why does she?

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things...
What are the consequences when she hurts him?

She sounds like a selfish brat. You should be treating both dc equally.

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