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Original poster

To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

225 replies

DearyMeThisIsSilly · 21/10/2023 12:38

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Dramatic · 22/10/2023 18:17

gooddayruby · 22/10/2023 17:04

The amount of people that genuinely believe children of that age have the ability to be maliciously manipulative is staggering. All parents should have to have to do a course on basic child brain development IMO.

Of course they can, she's 8 not 8 months. You are seriously underestimating 8 year olds if you think they can't manipulate

BertieBotts · 22/10/2023 18:24

There's a great book called siblings without rivalry which might have done useful tips? Eg I'm sure in the book it says specifically don't make an example about behaviour. Even though you're doing it in a way that would seem like it will benefit her, that might be exacerbating a sense of them being in competition. There might be other things too that you're not really aware are even happening.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 22/10/2023 18:42

She's insecure & needs reassurance. Classic Father has left behaviour.

GreenFritillary · 22/10/2023 18:57

I think what you said was real and genuine and she does need to stop it now. You were not wrong to tell her so. You can apologise for how you said it if you feel it is appropriate, but don't take it back - drum the message into both of them that families are important, people you want to be able to rely on for the rest of your lives, and the love you show each other now echoes on down the years.

Oblomov23 · 22/10/2023 18:59

I agree with Middleaged, You are massively underestimating the lost father figure.

Lookingatthesunset · 22/10/2023 19:01

JMSA · 21/10/2023 12:39

When my kids pull this nonsense, I simply reply: 'I don't have favourites. I hate you all equally.'

Grin

This!!

My three adults each think they're the favourite lol!

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 22/10/2023 19:03

Please please don't ask one child to be more like the other (ie better behaved)
It is a cruel seed to plant.
It divided my sibling and I for years.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/10/2023 19:12

My Sister was exactly like this as a child. Nothing was ever enough for her. She's still like this now that she's grown up. Horrible child, horrible adult. She's also a woman who doesn't like women.

keffie12 · 22/10/2023 19:16

DearyMeThisIsSilly · 21/10/2023 12:38

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

Perhaps you need to ask her why she says what she does when it isn't true, explaining why you are asking etc etc? That's a start communicating with her.

I understand your frustration and why you said it. However, I now think you need to rail back on this, explain why you shouldn't have said it, and ask her why she keeps saying it

I think you will get further doing that. Tell her every time she says it, you will response "You know it isn't true, so why say it?"

I say this only because you don't want her to think she can't talk to you.

The reason subconsciously she is balancing the male/female role. Your son has mummy to cuddle. She has you to cuddle, yes. However, for good reason, she doesn't have a male/daddy figure to cuddle. It seems child psychology stuff to me of gender roles.

It's not about you being a bad mom, as you're clearly not. It's about the subconscious play out of gender roles, it seems. I hope this helps. Good luck

Mumkins42 · 22/10/2023 19:23

I think I would sit her down and ask specifically what makes her feel that way. And LISTEN. Don't speak, just hear how she is experiencing it. Acknowledge the feeling and gently counteract it with examples - well do you recall that we do this or I do this. And basically ask do you sometimes find it difficult sharing me? I understand sharing can be tough sometimes. Then leave it. Don't change anything in response as you're clearly giving her enough

I always say this in my posts 🤦‍♀️ but....is it possible DD may be neurodivergent also ( like you suspect with son). ND is highly heritable and genetic so it's a possibility. You don't have to be ND of course to feel and be as you describe your daughter. It took me a while to realise my son is Autistic/ ADHD. And this description of quite intense feelings in this context reminds me of the way he can feel things. ND or not, I'd still just dig a bit deeper, listen acknowledge but don't change too much if you see no reasonable inequality in how they're treated.

katepilar · 22/10/2023 19:33

You are the adult here. Yes, for some reason she is seeking your attention and you need to find why that is that her need for attentions is so big /is not met.

Spambod · 22/10/2023 19:38

She may be attachment seeking and suffering from some developmental trauma from her childhood. If she was three when the relationship broke down and she was involved in or witnessed violence and domestic abuse then she may be profoundly traumatised by this. If a child has had experiences like this it’s always worth looking at their behaviour through an additional trauma lense as well as just normal sibling rivalry.

CostaCostaDrama · 22/10/2023 19:39

Have you ever thought your DD might also have ADHD? I was thinking that reading your post before I saw that your DS is diagnosed. Her behaviour sounds very much like one of mine who has ADHD, and who has RSD, which is strong feelings of inadequacy, thinking no one likes you and that everyone else is more loved.

HollyJollyRobin · 22/10/2023 19:49

I think you maybe need to give your son more attention and make things a little more equal between them...not only for your son's sake but also your daughter's sake...otherwise she's going to grow up thinking she's entitled and can rule the roost...which will only get harder as she gets older.

EthelMcUnready · 22/10/2023 19:49

Me too ~ or say the cat is my favourite 😉

Thisisnotlikehim · 22/10/2023 19:50

HRTFT but sorry you experienced DV op. That must have been hard. Amazing you have got out of that. Sounds like you are doing such a great job of parenting alone and putting so much work in. I can imagine it might push buttons and feel awful when it feels not enough for DD to feel loved.

With your DD it might be that there is an insecurity there from very early on in her life. While you were dealing with all the crap from DH there may have been stuff that left her with an insecure attachment. Watch the ‘still face’ experiment to see how infants respond when parents look blank. I don’t know you but have worked a lot with mothers who have experienced DV and it’s left it’s mark in the family.

I think your DD is voicing something quite profound here. She probably doesn’t understand it but just gets a feeling that she needs acknowledging. Her pain is real, even if her thinking is faulty. She’s feels it so strongly that any reassurance is like you trying to convince her that it’s sunny when she can feel the rain on her skin. It’s like a sieve and however much love you pour in it just flows through.

It is not your fault, nor her fault. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job but don’t underestimate the impact of DV on children. They don’t have to see or hear anything for it to impact in subtle but profound ways.

My advice would be to sit down with her and talk to her. Apologise for getting cross. Ask her if she really feels that you love her brother more. If she is able to say yes then don’t try and change her mind. Just let her know that you know that that feeling must be really horrible for her. Really empathise. Once she feels really heard, then let her know that you know that you love her just as much but you understand that she doesn’t feel that yet.

May be tell her an age appropriate story of how badly you wanted her and how joyful it was to have her. if you feel you can do it sensitively and without it crumpling you, let her know that life was tough early on and you were sad. Let her know that she might have noticed that when she was really little and felt like it was her fault but it wasn’t. Having an understanding of where her feelings might have come from could help you both to make sense of it all.

Let her know that for now the two of you will have to see things differently. You know how much you love her but she has your permission to not believe it yet. Let her know you will try and be more obvious. Tell her every time you do something because you love her. ‘I’m folding your clothes - because I love you’ I’m cooking you tea because. Etc etc. you can be playful with it. There is a lovely book called ‘Love Rituals’ that might give you some ideas.

If any of this feels really hard and upsetting then I’m really sorry. Getting some help with it might be good.

Im not sure if this will resonate or not. I don’t know you or your history so I might be well off the mark, but this is very very common and none of it is your fault. You are doing amazingly by the sound of it!! Lovely that you have sleepovers downstairs - I might steal that idea!

ManchesterLu · 22/10/2023 19:51

I always felt my younger brother was favoured when I was younger, I was a lot like your DD and my mum was a lot like you.

The difference is, the older I've got, the more I've felt it was true, and the more it's been shown.

Redditchcycler · 22/10/2023 19:52

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/10/2023 12:47

JMSA · Today 12:39
**
When my kids pull this nonsense, I simply reply: 'I don't have favourites. I hate you all equally”

Sorry to be the pooper but more and more reliable research is showing that even throw away comments like this can be pretty harmful to kids’ self-esteem and confidence.

Can you link to the research?

Louiseeee · 22/10/2023 20:01

you sound like your doing everything right OP. It could all stem from her dad leaving, someone close to her she saw a lot to suddenly not being in her life anymore and she’s just asking you questions like this for reassurance that you will always be there for her.

Curlewwoohoo · 22/10/2023 20:04

My 8yo daughter is also like this about get 6yo brother! Maybe it's an age / gender dynamic.

BorrowersAreVermin · 22/10/2023 20:14

Now we're grown up my mum will often remind my brother and I that we'd count things like the amount of chips and peas on our plate and accuse her of favouritism towards the person with more.

Ducksurprise · 22/10/2023 20:14

Apologies as I haven't rtft or all your replies I just wanted to post to this as it caught my attention.

Her DS is a very silly impulsive little boy ( waiting for an assessment for ADHD ) who gets told off far more than she does and I use her good behaviour as an example for him and to make her feel good about herself

Could she be worried you only love her because she is good and if she wasn't good you wouldn't love her, but you love DS even though he isn't always good?
Making her feel good about herself because she is good, isn't making her feel good about herself as it is the behaviour not her person if that makes any sense at all. Please this is not in any way a criticism, parenting is tough but in my own experience I've found what I thought was showing love/building them up had different consequences.

Ducksurprise · 22/10/2023 20:18

junbean · 21/10/2023 17:37

This is an irrational and heartless response to a child. If you respond to her in anger now whatever will you do when she's older and in even more complex situations? Go to therapy, get a grip. You are the adult. You are responsible for her needs. You keep treating her this way and she won't ever feel comfortable coming to you for help.

Fuck off is it. OP has taken the time to post on here to get opinions, has realised that there are different ways to deal with it and has said she will have another chat with her dd about the topic and talk about why she responded as she did.

Parenting is a learning curve, the only crap parents I've met are those that think they do everything correctly first time, and they tend to be the people that are quick to post unhelpful and critical words.