To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

[DearyMeThisIsSilly]

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

I think that I’d try addressing the feeling and ignoring the comparison and see if that helps.

Dd: you love ds better than me, you’re always hugging him
You: I love you to the moon and back. Would you like a cuddle?

I don't think shutting down her feelings and telling her she isn't allowed to express them will actually change how she feels. Now the feelings will just fester inside and may make her turn against you and her brother even more since it is only her 8 year old mind and her own lived experience that will shape her feelings.

Your right I shouldnt of shut her down. I'll be speaking to her shortly, I dont want it where she cant express herself to me, or feels like she cant, I'll apologise for that

I just wish I knew what it was that makes her feel like this so I could fix it

I like this strategy. Could be very effective.

🤣

She'll grow out of it op. My eldest used to say it too about his brother. I also used to respond in the same way as @JMSA 😁

I can understand it will be tiring for you op to keep responding to it if you have feelings invested. Such as feeling that every time she says it it is an attack on your parenting, that you haven’t done a good enough job, that you are sad she doesn’t feel love etc.. However if you are able to take those feelings out of it, can see that you are an amazing parent and that her need for reassurance is her personality and not connected to anything you have done I imagine it will be much easier for you to respond and give her what she needs.

Are we not just raising a generation of over sensitive, needy and offended people by not even being able to make a joke.

Awww chill and ignore they all go thru this faze the quicker you all ignore the quicker it stops been there with 2 oldests don't worry about it. You sound the exact same kind of mum as me and I have 4 your doing great 🙂

I think she's just doing it to manipulate you so you keep giving her the extra one on one time etc.. Siblings always compete for parental attention. Make sure that you treat them both equally though - sounds like DS may think DD is the favourite as he gets older!

She has nicer things because she takes care of her things where as DS breaks nearly everything he has and has drawn all over his walls, ripped the wallpaper down ect and I havnt replaced the things hes broken ect,

I love them both equally. She has a special place in my heart because my first DS was premature and died 2 hours after he was born and I had 3 miscarriages after him. Then I was diagnosed with PCOS so never truly imagined I'd be able to carry a baby full term and it survive.

DS was a surprise. I wasnt planning on him and never expected him. He was a lovely lovely surprise

When he was born I made sure she wasnt left out. DS fed every 2 hours so was a high need baby for months, when the baby was crying and DD needed somthing I would say to the baby " just hold on a few minutes, I'm just doing A,B,C with DD" I never dropped her to tend to him immediately ( I didnt leave him crying for long ) but I made sure she knew and was aware that she was still just as important to me

I can only recommend reading the book ‘siblings without rivalry’. It’s helped me lots so far (new to the sibling game admittedly as I have a newborn and 4 year old).

Every time she makes a statement like this she gets your undivided attention...WIN!

Even when you shouted at her under provocation... WIN!

You say she has a nicer room with nicer things in it than her brother...WHY?

Are you subconsciously compensating her in some way for something?
You say she was much wanted, and much waited for.. has this influenced your parenting?
I understand that she is very precious to you, but so is her brother and just because he is not demanding he shouldnt be in the background... I am exaggerating the context here to make you think about it.. I am not saying he is in any way 2nd or neglected.. far from it, you sound like a great Mum.
Maybe just smile and say..silly thing.. I love you both... and move the concersation on...
See how she reacts when you dont make a fuss over her comments.

Sorry Op, I think YABU. I can see how it’s annoying and unjustified. But I think you always need to keep the lines of communication open with kids.

So yes, deal with it each time and point out to her that it isn’t so. But you can’t put a blanket blocker on it ever being mentioned - it’s going to make it fester with her, and make her think it is true.

So no, don’t change what you’re doing with both kids, and don’t start pandering to any unjustified moans. But I don’t think you can say to a child about anything “never mention this again”.

I get that it’s annoying and frustrating but parenting is annoying and frustrating a lot of the time.

I agree with this, and feel very sorry for your son, the more so the more of your posts I read. He gets less materially, less emotionally, less of your time and attention and you hold your sister's good behaviour up to him as an example of how he should behave. And you think he's content and just wants the odd hug from you?

Consider that he actually wants, and needs, more but knows he has competition and won't win because his sister will just complain louder and you feel too guilty that you're upsetting her. You need to make things more equal, for your son.

Maybe just smile and say..silly thing.. I love you both... and move the concersation on...
See how she reacts when you dont make a fuss over her comments.

This i think.

Dont reward her for it but don’t close communications.

She was 2.6 when I left but I doubt it's because of her father.

I never lived with her father while shes been alive ( moved into my own property after he assaulted me whilst I was pregnant with her ) and he didnt spend much time with her at all. He saw her for the occasional family event so he could pretend to be a Disney dad

He is DS's father too and he saw DS twice in one year, thats how little contact he had with them

I'm actually worried for your DS.

I have 3 dds. If they ever asked who is your favourite I said "you are!" After years of saying "I love you all equally." They all get the same answer.

Reiterate that you don't have favourites, that you cuddle them both the same. I don't think you need to keep entering into long discussions about it. The part about turning the TV off and trying to make him move seats stood out quite a bit for me - sounds as though she's trying to exert control over her brother all the time and that needs to be stopped. If you stick to being fair and equal ("your brother was watching that, when it's finished you can choose, there is no space there, you can sit the other side" she'll get the message?

Despite what I’ve said above, I also do think you’re overcompensating for her moans and that it sounds as though ds needs more attention if anything

OnAir
Are we not just raising a generation of over sensitive, needy and offended people by not even being able to make a joke

Possibly. Just posting after listening to reports on Radio 4 and BBC last week. Personally, I’d imagine it’s age dependent. Saying something like that to an under 8, say, I can easily see could be potentially harmful. A confident teenager, I agree would probably understand it as the joke it is.

I think that some kids feel sibling rivalry more than others.

My middle child is the one who was constantly comparing to her siblings who never went through half of the jealousy that she felt. She is an adult so fine now but I didn't stop giving the other 2 what they needed too. I think it's pretty sad that you've done had one on one days with your ds.

@ExtraOnions @DearyMeThisIsSilly interesting . I saw the OP and thought this sounds like a little girl who has experienced trauma.

I don't say this as a trauma expert but I grew up in a home with domestic abuse which I witnessed and experienced directed at myself as well as my mum and I was like your daughter as a little girl in some ways. Always needing extra reassurance that I was loved. And very obsessive and clingy about it too. although as a young child to some extent my mum did indulge this a little I was stonewalled or yelled at by my parents if I tried to articulate how I was feeling as I grew older and ended up self harming and struggling with attachment and with eating disorders . I did and up in treatment as an adult for Borderline PD and Complex PTSD. I also struggle with OCD which means intend to hyperfixate on things so would ask for reassurance constantly and became quite demanding as a child due to it .

I'm not saying this is how your child will end up, it seems as though the abuser has left the home at least and you do seem to really love her but I'm concerned that there is a root of trauma lingering .

it may be her feelings are irrational she is safe now and very much loved but that doesn't mean she isn't feeling them . Feelings can lie to us but I doubt very much she is saying she feels something when she isn't . And if she is faking it for attention well that also can be a trauma response needing trauma based therapy.

She is old enough that you can sit with her and let her come up with the solutions on how to resolve some of this. Ask her what should I do whn you ask for a cuddle? What should I do when brother asks for a cuddle? Go through the various scenarios and let her give you her thoughts on how this should be managed 'fairly'. It will give you a lot more insight into her thinking and it also gives you a reference point for when she gets upset - you can say this was your solution, your idea - remember.