To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

[DearyMeThisIsSilly]

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

I disagree, I don't think she does really feel this way. She's using it to try and manipulate her mum because she obviously knows she gets more attention than her brother. I'd definitely shut it down

How did she react when you told her that?

@DearyMeThisIsSilly Don’t be hard on yourself. I read all your pp (not RTFT) and you sound like a great mum.

My dd started feeling a bit anxious and needing extra reassurance around 8 years old (and believe me she gets loads of love and attention).

I bought a book called: Girls Stuff 8-12 by Kaz Cooke and read it with her. Girls start puberty from the age of 8 and have hormonal changes going on. I found this book really helps her. It might help your dd too.

https://kazcooke.com.au/book/girl-stuff-8-12/

How much older than your second child is she? When a second child arrives when the first one is 18 to 24 months, that can have a lasting impact. I've heard things like "it took ten years for my first child to forgive me for having my second."Not really my area, I don't do early years stuff but it's something that has been "known" for 50 years. If that is the case you can't address it head on, you just have to broken record it. "I love you both differently but equally."

Every time she says it, get her to write down the things she has done with you that day or week.

Make her read the list out aloud.

Tell her that's what she will have to do every single time she plays the jealousy card and she'll soon pack that nonsense in.

Did you read the post?

It’s pretty normal at that age unfortunately. I always say it depends what day it is and what either of you are getting up to. In serious moments I obviously tell them I love them both as much .

Sounds like RSD to me! https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd

One brother was jealous of the other. He used to literally count the veg on the plate and if the younger db had one more pea older sibling would complain he was unloved.
He’s in his late fifties now and still feels the same.

Glib and inappropriate for a 6yo to hear.

The book siblings without rivalry is a useful book to read. Also, if you can, find some space to reflect on these moments which hold up a mirror to us and show us things we don't usually see. You have had lots of insights from this thread.

Holding her good behaviour as an example to her brother mighymt be something to pull back on. Girls are often held up as an example to boys at school which imposes the expectation of good behaviour upon them while boys take up more airspace and adult attention. This is societal and ingrained and she may be railing against this.

As an aside.. does your daughter know about he big brother and the babies in between? I don't how to fix this but in some way, she might always feel the loss of the babies that came before her, in the same way you do..

Reminding her... every time... that you love her for her... unconditionally... every bone aching, ground hog day, frustrating, annoying time.. and screaming into a pillow, talking to your friends or coming on here to talk it through.

I've got a 7 year old DD and 5 year old DS.
7 year old pulls this shit all the time. I just roll my eyes and tell her I like them both the same then ignore further questioning.

My oldest son used to say this a lot and still does on occasion. I’m together with his father so I wouldn’t beat yourself up about being a single parent being the reason. In my case there was a germ of truth, DS1 was harder work in all respects: harder birth, wouldn’t feed, wouldn’t sleep, I was exhausted and to cap it all not entitled to any maternity pay. Ds2 easy birth, fed straight away, I got full maternity pay so less stressed etc etc. Now though Ds2 is a tricky secretive teenager and DS1 has come through his tricky years and is a lot easier to engage. So things can change.

I usually say something like whoever's behaving/not fighting/put their dishes in the dishwasher.

My kids have always been like this. My dd seems to want me to have zero expectations from her younger brother. She has done well at school/uni but he is different and is/will struggle, but if I even say something like ''he'll find his way in the end'' she gets annoyed, like she wants me needs me to see him as a complete loser I know it's different because she's older but I have asked her what she expects, that I have no investment in to meeting my child meeting his potential, I've asked her if she thinks I should just shrug over the difference between his contentment or distress.

I think it's because their dad wasn't around (as he was abusive and I left him) so perhaps, although I loved them both, they needed to be loved by TWO parents. I know that one parent is better than one parent undermined by a bully though, so not sure what I could have done differently.

he really struggles so I help him but I bet to DD that must not be nice to see

Well here’s part of your answer - you ask DD to help her little brother - help with shoes, crisp packets etc. She’ll receive positive attention from him and you - win win - but you do need to tackle the bossiness - she seems to be pack leader in your home. She’s taking control because you aren’t.

Get those boundries in place and she’ll feel more secure. She’s trying to look after you, what she can do instead is look after her little brother (in a child way)

Another recommendation for ‘Siblings Without Rivalry’ book.

my 7 year old is the same but I normally just reply “ my favourite child is the dog “
girls are very different to boys and I think a mother daughter relationship is very different too

She's 8.
You need to stop taking her emotions personally, and getting angry at her.
Don't take everything to heart. Make it fun "oh so you want more hugs!?" Then chase her and shower her with kisses and hugs. Respond, but don't overreact.
And stop playing them off against each other! You are just teaching them to draw comparisons.

It sounds irritating OP - you have my sympathy!

First - don't blame yourself.
It sounds as if you are careful to share yourself with them both.
However, perhaps this is something you worry about a little - and sometimes you feel defensive? (Our children read our weaknesses well!)

Children do do this 'not fair' thing with siblings. (As you pointed out - you did it too.) It is normal.

I would take her complaint as badly expressed wish to have even more of you. You are lovely and why wouldn't she want that?

When : "DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled' This might just mean 'that looks lovely - I want that too'.

Claiming that she never gets cuddled is just a way of working on you to get what she wants or needs in the moment.

Encourage her to ask directly instead. It is a good life-skill and often needed most by girls.

Reading your post it strikes me that your son is getting a different kind of affection than your daughter. It could well be that she is just yearning for the physical touch and reassurance that she sees her brother gets.

Sorry she sounds very spoilt to me

And I feel for your ds

She gets 121 with you

She's goes out with you and ds gets a babysitter

Sleepovers with you

Nails (Admitley ds might not want that)

She goes out with family

And still moans when you cuddle ds or spend any time with him

Ds doesn't get any of the above - why not

I have 4 children and make sure to treat them all relatively equally- one gets a treat another will get treated later in the week, one stays up, another stays up etc etc. ALL of the kids have mentioned and different times how hard done they are and how we treat x better (different x each time btw). They need to talk about it because it’s how they feel but just rinse and repeat. It’s head melting but I’m sure we did it as children too!

My sister is the exact same way all she had to do was bleat I WAS AN ACCIDENT YOU NEVER WANTED MEEEEEEE!! and the entire family would fall over themselves to reassure her that she was indeed wanted and loved she was everyone's favourite from both family's growing up she always had sleepovers with her family where she bemoaned that I had long hair and she didn't (her choice ffs) and other unfathomable slights even the fact that I didn't need glasses was an issue because eyesight is clearly something I can control 🙄 its unhealthy

Also I will say even as adults my family try and make it up to her my mother has literally cut me out of her will so she feels loved how I feel about it is immaterial