To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

[DearyMeThisIsSilly]

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

I wouldn't, as it'll be something else she can use to beat her brother with.

Read how to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk. It will change the dynamic of your communication and improve it.
In the meantime ask her to unpack her statements about unfairness, get it all out, every bit, every time, if you have the time, otherwise say you will do it later, and do it. It’s a good way to clear away old resentments.

You can tell her to stop saying these things and it might do the trick and silence her which will make your life easier . However if she is sincere in what she is saying keeping silent won't change her underlying feelings , it will just drive them underground making her feel more unloved and also that her feeling are unacceptable. Will she feel able to come to you with other negative or irrational feelings in the future or will she bottle them up too?

She sounds demanding and attention seeking but that's understandable. She spent her first three years in a violent home (and preverbal children are very sensitive to atmosphere and unspoken communications even if they never witness any violence). Then one day her dad left and was never seen again. He might have been a shit dad but she doesn't know that. To her he was the only dad she had and one day he left her which to the young mind equates to he stopped loving her. No wonder she is clingy and wants constant assurances of your affection.

it sounds as if you are brilliant at providing a wonderful physical environment for her but you haven't yet struck the right balance between giving her the emotional security she craves and maintaining good parental boundaries. And again, that's not surprising - you have your own history of pain and trauma to contend with as well as being the sole caregiver and provider.

I think family therapy would be really helpful for all of you but if that's not doable, read some of the books recommended on here to give you some perspective and maybe some useful coping strategies.

Please also sit down with her soon and apologise for saying she can't tell you how she feels - tell her you won't always agree with what she says or be able to fix things for her but you will always be there to listen.

Also @DearyMeThisIsSilly
How is her relationship with her brother?

Improving this could really help the situation.

After the last attack which she witnessed she came over to me and tried helping me get up and said sorry to me. He went mad because the baby was crying and then she started crying which made him angrier and she blamed herself.

I think this (as well as all the events around the DV and her father leaving her/your lives, the whole story) is very significant, I went through something similar as a child and the fear of being abandoned/blamed/making people angry/etc etc never goes away despite what people do or say.

Top tip: smother your daughter in cuddles, sniff her and go all crazy eyes and tell her you love her. She’ll either freak out and run a mile or it’ll stop her asking so frequently.
My eldest used to say ‘why is dd2 the favourite?’ Neither of them are, it was her way of having a whinge and trying to get attention.

I think it's normal sibling behaviour OP especially because younger children by default are not as independent & older ones don't remember that they had x years of undivided attention before younger one born.

Mine are regularly reminded when they come out with similar that my favourite child is whichever one is listening, doing as they are asked, helping etc in as lighthearted a way as possible to change the subject.

She'll grow out of it.

I have got this to stop - my kids are 15 and 17 now.

When they were a bit younger and one would complain about something being unfair, having accused me of loving the other more, I just replied:

YES I LOVE HIM A LOT MORE THAN YOU HE IS MY FAVOURITE

And watched them stand in shock at me having uttered something so appalling.

They realise now that it is a preposterous accusation.

It's in the actual OP

I really doubt telling an insecure child that they are hated, even as a joke, prepares them for the "wider world".

As a parent your job is to make them feel secure - not dismissed and "teased" when they seek reassurance.

@JMSA is right. Children are very literal and can take what we say as ironic humour as fact.

I used to say something not dissimilar to my D.C. over 30 years ago. Since then I have trained and practiced as a psychotherapist and realise how damaging those words could have been. Of all the many parenting mistakes I made those 'witty' retorts are the ones I regret the most.

Nice😆🤣😆🤣

I came on initially to say something about unmet needs or insecurity but as you later came on to say that she gets far more time and attention than ds, I now wonder whether she is just too indulged and spoiled.

I am thinking of the child in my class who can't bear to see someone else receiving praise. If I tell a pupil they've done something well he puts his hand up...what about me? Do you like my picture too? This particular child is definitely very indulged so just a thought.

There's a book called Siblings without Rivalry

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=siblings+without+rivalry&adgrpid=55937400631&hvadid=606338744540&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1007882&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=588131427400738466&hvtargid=kwd-59362846&hydadcr=21612_2291903&tag=hydrukspg-21&ref=pd_sl_5o40c9xo4h_e

I now wonder whether she is just too indulged and spoiled

My first thought as well.

What is she like at school or with friends - my guess would be bossy?

Her DS is a very silly impulsive little boy ( waiting for an assessment for ADHD ) who gets told off far more than she does and I use her good behaviour as an example for him and to make her feel good about herself

I sympathise with everything else you’ve posted OP, but this is awful. As someone with ADHD who was called things as a child, please don’t refer to a child who may have ADHD as ‘a very silly impulse little boy’. Don’t compare children and don’t ‘use her good behaviour as an example to him’ as this will be really confusing for him and can lead to resentment, and don’t use it for praise her - praise her for her individual things, not because of comparison. You are causing potential resentment here and long term issues. I say this as someone who has been there.

It is hard with kids of different ages. The older one is jealous of the younger one being 'babied' eg carried when their legs are tired on a walk. The younger one is jealous of the older eg being able to do more independently and stay up later.

When eldest asks why we do x with my youngest (eg stay with her til she sleeps). I say OK if you want me can make things completely equal that's fine, you will be going to bed half an hour earlier, we will be reading for 5 minutes only, and then ill lie with you for 15 min. She then realises that actually she wants to stay up later and read her book for an hour rather than having longer cuddles at bedtime. So you could try this eg tell her if she wants everything to be exactly the same then she will have to stay upstairs by herself while you have a sleepover with your son, you will have to count out the words in a song and work out how to allocate them fairly which means stopping singing in the middle of a sentence etc.

Of course it’d depend a lot on how it was said, but I’m sure most kids would take this as intended, I.e. a joke.

I really don't know what the answer is. My big sister was the same (eldest.) She always had to be the centre of attention and had to be everybodies favourite, parents and grandparents. She absolutely resented me and gave me and my brother a terrible time growing up, to the point of physical bullying. We are NC with her now, as it continued into adulthood.
She was spolied by everyone growing up as she was the first GC and got heaps of attention (we all did) The issue definitely didn't come from lacking anything.
Like I say, I don't know what the answer is, as I've had my kids in a different order (chilled out boy first) so I've not had to face it. But I'd do some research into the best way to handle it. It's awful having a big sister who resents you and gives you issues. And I know it's given my parents great pain all our lives.

@DearyMeThisIsSilly I wonder if perhaps this could be due to a widening “capability” gap between your children? Ours are similar ages and I’ve noted recently that I spend a lot more everyday life with our younger, outside of special time. It’s simply due to the fact that one still needs the occasional bathroom assistance while the other is totally independent; one can fix lunch for all of us and the other is too short still to reach everything; one can iron up his own pants and the other needs a hand doing so; basically, I’m giving poor examples but truth be told our eldest can handle independent homework and our next, although quite close in age, still needs me to read through things with him and so on.

I think what I’m trying to say is that outside of snuggling and reading and special one on one time, I do find myself prioritizing one child in a “little child” way while assuming our oldest has got it on his own, because he can.

I’m not sure what the solution is - I’ve only just realized recently that just because our older can do something alone doesn’t mean he should, and perhaps I need to make our younger a bit more independent and join our older in everyday activities he doesn’t “need” me for. And I wonder if that may be what’s going on for you here - your daughter is presumably the eldest child at home, a wonderful capable soul, your big helper, and quite a little woman, while your son may be a bit less grown up compared to where she was at his age… and she may be picking up on that outside of special times.

FWIW, @DearyMeThisIsSilly you sound like a loving and caring parent, and I admire you for being able to leave and create a new life for your children . I mean this with all my heart and I hope the best for you all.

Look this is a child who has suffered trauma at a key stage of her development. We often find that these children have learnt survival strategies I.e. she needs to be your no. 1 to feel safe, because before when she shared you with dad/baby life was very unsafe. Give her the constant reassurance she needs. Playfulness around this like you are doing with fave boy/ fave girl is great.

But ideally I would see if she can be provided with some ELSA at school, or play therapy might be available through a local DV charity if you can't self-fund give her another way to express these feelings and build relationships with other safe adults who she trusts to share her feelings with.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in January, funnily enough only became aware of ADHD traits in myself as school mentioned they thought DS had it so I started researching and was shocked to read about myself

That was said light hearted although I can see why it doesnt come across like that. He is a very silly impulsive little boy and it's one of the main things I love about him, he is so much fun to be around. Hes very funny and very loving and we get on really well.

Advice is very conflicting as it was school who said to use dd's behaviour as a demonstration for DS 🤦‍♀️

I'll reply to everyone individually soon, someone has asked if DD is bossy at school...... yes she is! She would rather play by herself than play with others who wont do as their told and play games how she likes them

Not disputing 'experts' but the expectation on some mumsnet threads for parents to be perfect all the time otherwise you are damaging your child isn't helpful. We're all still gumans and sometimes a thtow away comment/trying to unject some humour is how we get through the day. If that one comment is going to permanently damage my child then it is what is if thats what the experts say, i'm by no means a perfect parent, just trying to get through most days

Did you read the OP?